Friday, February 4, 2011

The season rubs me wrong

I can't explain it. It's just been on our fridge for 22 years.
More good news. I now weigh less than I have have in years. YEARS!

Possible side effects include a mood that makes me unfit for human consumption. All non-fat Greek yogurt and no pie makes Lisa a dull girl. Cranky, too.

My complaints are first world and if I had a lick of sense, I'd be embarrassed to release them like rancid toots into the blogosphere, but that's the thing - I've reached that place where I don't much care. Like how I said toots instead of farts? My mother passed gas. MathMan's mother let out air. I toot. Like there's a horn up my ass or something. Were anyone around, they'd say I had something up my ass, but since I'm alone, let's just declare it a bad metaphor and get on with the bitching, shall we? (Language warning. Unfiltered, uncensored, unedited.)

AT&T. If the calls aren't sketchy, they drop. And that business with the Broadband Link Error when I'm surfing ****? Buzzkill. Way to ruin a moment.

Assholes. In general. And there's really no nice way to tell someone to fuck off, is there?

Long sleeves. My hands are in water a lot. Water inevitably runs up my sleeves. Wet sleeves? I could live without them. The other day Sophie came into the kitchen where I was scrubbing the hell out of some pots and pans who hadn't done anything wrong.  "Where's your shirt?" she wanted to know. She's at that age where parental nudity is anathema. To her, we are Never Nudes. In answer to her question, I explained preventative stripping.

The cats. The staring must stop. They cannot be hungry all the time.

Time. Too scarce. Too easily wasted on things that don't matter.

My skin. Am I fourteen or eighty?

How the people I live with don't seem to recognize that when my butt is in my chair and my fingers are tapping away, it's a bad idea to just start talking to me. And umbrage that I wasn't paying attention? Blow me.

Guilt. I'm sick of dragging you around, you useless trunk of horrors.

Memory. I love you. I hate you. I need you. You're a curse.

Information about publishing. I love you. I hate you. I need you. You're a curse. And this bullshit about the gender imbalance in publishing? Fuck that.

When the media grabs a phrase they think is clever or hip and they proceed to pound the ever living shit out of it until you want to do an Elvis on your television and then take a bite of a peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich.

The fact that there aren't any new Foyle's War episodes to watch.

The fact that I forgot to listen to the Decemberists live in studio tonight on The Spectrum. Yeah, it'll be rerun, but I'm still annoyed.

Me. Myself. And I. My own worst enemy, critic, obstacle, excuse and enabler.

That's it for me. I'm going to have some ice cream and then whine about being cold.

Your turn. What's up your ass?
(Good catch, Holly!)


  1. Remind me to come help you wash the dishes one of these days. ;o)

  2. Nothing as bad as what you've been going through, but there's something pollinating around here (flora porn, don't you know), and Very Soft Tissues are my friends. And the mucus is apparently fighting with my brain. And winning.

  3. What's up my ass?

    There seems to be a bit of code on some web-sites which my modem doesn't like. I click on the site, it starts to load and then the modem goes into reset mode. A lot of people probably don't notice but as I usually have a radio station running on another tab, the contact there is broken and I'm left in sudden silence. And if my daughter is chatting with someone with her netbook (connected over W-LAN), I also hear a squeal of protest from that quarter. It takes around a minute for the moronic machine to assure itself that everything's all right and re-establish contact with the virtual world.

    I think it may have something to do with the Flikr feeds that some people have on their sites. Like you.

    It's one of those annoying things in life which bug me just below the level of annoyance which might actually provide enough motivation to get off my ass and do something about it. Instead, I bitch about it.

    And then the laid-back, zennish part of me whispers that it's good to have things to bitch about. If life were perfect it would probably be unbearable ...

  4. My biggest pet peeve - people who insist that I am doing something wrong with my life, because I do stuff I enjoy. Since you've broken the "f"-barrier, I am going to indulge.

    Who the fuck died and left you in charge of my life? Seriously, mind your own fucking business. If, as you seem to suggest, I am not doing things YOU think I should be doing, I will be the one paying for it, not you. So please, when I want someone's stupid opinion on my life, I will request it. Otherwise, shut. The. Fuck. Up.

    Oh, and bite me, too.

    That other people claim they are "too busy" to do stuff they enjoy is really sad. I'm supposed to not do stuff I enjoy out of some weird solidarity in their passive-aggressiveness? Sorry. Again, bite me. I'm economical in my use of time, prioritize, and surprisingly enough, disciplined in my use of time. I get far more done that way. If others haven't learned time management skills, I don't have the energy or patience to teach them.

    What's up my ass? Not much now. Thanks for letting me vent.

    Love you.

  5. At what point did I become my parents, or more my grandparents, and insist on the tooting as well? WTF difference does it make? I'm waging a manner war with my 5 year old that I don't even believe in.

  6. I'm better today but yesterday sucked moose cock.

    My kids are the exact same way about seeing me naked. I like to remind them, on occasion, that they did, in fact, come out of my vagina.

  7. If you need to add some more phrases for cuttin' one lose (another one there) I worked with a family that called it letting out the bad wind. They talked about a lot of stuff I should have remembered but it was the bad wind that stayed with me. Well, you know what I mean.

  8. "How the people I live with don't seem to recognize that when my butt is in my chair and my fingers are tapping away, it's a bad idea to just start talking to me."


  9. You reminded me of something I learned as a kid.

    Beans, beans the musical fruit
    The more you eat, the more you toot
    The more you toot, the better you feel
    So eat beans at every meal!!

    Ain't nothing up my ass and I have colonoscopy pictures to prove it!!

  10. Lately it's been being the little brother at 61 years old. My brother and sister go ahead and make decisions and call me later.

  11. The usual. Struggling with the urge to tell a couple co-workers to stop being so frakking anal and realize that the world as a whole not only doesn't care if someone uses a hyphen instead of an en dash, most people planet don't even know what an en dash is.

  12. What's up my ass? When people - even people who are fantastic writers - use you're instead of your.

    I have an absurd, out-of-all-proportion-to-the-severity-of-the-offense sensitivity to misspellings and grammatical errors these days. I am considering therapy.

    Love ya, toots! You're the best.

  13. well, lisa, i am happy to hear you're eating greek yogurt, isn't it the most deliciously surprising surprise? i adore it with honey, used liberally.

    swear all you want, you've had a rather hellish week. my ears aren't delicate and i'm the worst in the house so never do i apologize...i am 'expressing myself', if not artistically then with gusto with my mouth. not my ass...going to move on from that part of my body, i have none. xoxo

  14. These two lines:

    "Guilt. I'm sick of dragging you around, you useless trunk of horrors.

    Memory. I love you. I hate you. I need you. You're a curse."

    cracked me up. I'm going to reuse that idea of the useless trunk of horrors.

  15. Well I have to say I am all over this preventative stripping thing. I think we should advertise it and start a movement.

    CONGRATS on the weight loss! Sorry it's making you Ms. Crankypants (note: hard to be a crankypants with no pants, ergo, preventative stripping finds another venue)

    Sorry to laugh at your complaints, but if you don't want me to, you really shouldn't present them in such a funny manner.

  16. Well, girlfriend, am I ever so glad I stopped here today!

    I just finished writing about the biochemistry of depression in my journal and really, REALLY, needed to hear the Decemberists, a new group to me, but one I will seek out.

    I am in empathy with your post. What kind of ice cream are you eating, by the way?

  17. No, they will not stop staring, and yes, they CAN be hungry all the time.

    Love this post. Congrats on the weight loss. Good luck with the skin. Enjoy that ice cream!

  18. My husband, the IRS, the fact you aren't published yet so I can buy your book, the fact I have to put up with people at all, and snow.

    Oh, I like the Decemberists, but could they refrain from EVER playing "The Rake" again. I HATE that song!

    Meanwhile this ear candy has been dripping in lately:

  19. Reading this post made me laugh out loud--for that, thanks! I hate wet sleeves too.

    Your comments make me laugh as well:

    My kids are the exact same way about seeing me naked. I like to remind them, on occasion, that they did, in fact, come out of my vagina.


  20. Oh, and another thing, did you know that women fart more than men do? It's true! We have more gas. Also, if your farts smell bad you are eating bad things and need to stop it. If your farts are just noise mostly than that's perfectly okay. Just thought you'd like to know :~D

  21. I feel in a similar state of mind. WINTER is up my ass! I need it to end already. Today I went out on my deck, slipped on a patch of ice, and landed face-first in an icy pile of snow. No permanent damage, luckily.

    And I so identify - I DETEST it when water runs up my sleeves.

    Congratulations on the weight loss though! I've been doing Weight Watchers for a couple of weeks now and am down about 4 lbs. You will be an inspiration to me to keep me on track.

  22. Complaints? More of the first world (or is this second?) variety:

    We get mail 4 days a week if we're lucky. Since the post office is closed on Saturday, it takes them all of Monday to sort.

    Our high speed broadband internet service cuts out regularly which means I write every comment off-line.

    Netflix streaming often doesn't - worst in the last 20 minutes.

    Being too easily distracted from drawing board when a snack or a walk or tea is mentioned.

    Snow. I don't think I like it over the long term.

    Then again, there's a lot to be said for heavy duty rubber gloves.

  23. Ever since moving out of the same country with the inlaws and forgetting to give them my new number or email, I really don't have much up my ass.

  24. Winter should kiss my ass, and I'm also not crazy about the wet sleeves. I also get irrationally angry when I shock myself on a door handle.

  25. Big posterior pains in the ass- major exploitation wagewise @ the workplace.

    No show delivery guys or contractors.
    Wish *I* could bill *them*!

    The Nielson phone survey people. They have called me about 20 most inconvenient times recently & we are on the no call list.

    This old house. Home is where the repairs are.
    Currently dealing with Pandora's electrical circuit box. No such thing as "$imple repair$".

    People who drive 1 foot from my bumper on the damned freeway. Go read your freaking driver's manual! Most accidents are born of driving too closely to the car in front of you.
    Am I more sensitive to this topic because my husband was double rear ended on the freeway & his car was totaled in Nov of 2009?
    You betcha.

  26. my husband just woke me up on a saturday morning instead of letting me sleep UNTIL i woke up on my own.

    i haven't ran in too many days. i'm going today no matter how fucking cold it is.

    and i would just like to say that as i read this and got to the word toot, my immediate thought "awww lisa uses the word toot like me." but then you went on about toots and farts which be-stilled-my-heart. with a 2 and 7 year old, we have much talk on toots and farts and even poop. my husband always calls me out on calling them toots, "They're farts!" he says. My favorite line of his? "Fuck that toot shit!"

  27. Congratulations on the weight loss!

    Things that are...up my tail right now:

    1. Child: I realize that you have been sick and have been unable to Use All of Your Words in the past week. This doesn't mean that you need to use them all TODAY.

    2. Well meaning people that think I can only learn about God if I read John Piper. He's boring and I don't understand him. I'll stick with my standards, thanks.

    3. Auto-editing myself to save job/face/spouse. Especially when my brain is all but demanding that I issue vast "Pockets full of BITE ME" to people all around.

    4. Pretty much everything else. I'm ready for Spring, and for the urge to exercise and be healthy to return to me.

  28. Congratulations on the weight-loss, Lisa. That is a wonderful achievement!

    I'm also "my own worst critic, enemy, obstacle, and enabler." (Great line, by the way.) I wonder sometimes if this is true for everyone. But then maybe the challenge is to become our own best friend by the time we leave? I'd say you're on the way there, especially as you continue to stand up for yourself and claim your space to write and your right to express yourself honestly.

    Oh, and I do understand about the water getting under the sleeves. (No dishwasher -- well, unless you count moi.) But this is the season for layers. A t-shirt under the sweatshirt works wonders. ;)

  29. I've been losing weight, as well. Being cut off from the former endless supply of junk food at work helps. So does getting more exercise.

    On the other hand, in a few weeks, I officially enter the ranks of the "long term unemployed" and I am starting to freak a little. Working is highly overrated, but that paycheck is addictive.

  30. LOL! Oh Lisa, I missed you. :) I'm glad to have come back to your blog again...sorry I've been away!

  31. P.S. We have AT & T internet, too...and that damn Broadbank Link Error totally blows!! It happens too often, and it's annoying as hell.

  32. What's up my ass? Today it's income taxes and the incredible number of forms needed (some logically braided, with numbers needed from each before the other can be completed). About eight hours of work for a family of five with no complex investments - just a small home business (that only took 30 minutes to produce a balance sheet from scratch) and two kids in college. Criminitly!

    But it's done. And the bottle of whiskey I positioned in plain view the whole time encouraged me (even though, now that I'm done, I don't feel like any whiskey - it was the principle, a reminder of the whiskey rebellion - that was about taxes, too).


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)