Monday, April 11, 2011

Adventures in Real Parenting: Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it

Rihanna has a song title S&M and the lyrics are pretty much what you'd expect...

Feels so good being bad (Oh oh oh oh oh)
There's no way I'm turning back (Oh oh oh oh oh)
Now the pain is my pleasure cause nothing could measure (Oh oh oh oh oh)
Love is great, love is fine (Oh oh oh oh oh)
Out the box, outta line (Oh oh oh oh oh)
The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more (Oh oh oh oh oh)
Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me
Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

There's more, but you get the idea.

This song gets a lot of play on my youngest daughter's favorite XM satellite radio channel 20 on 20 and it came on while we were in the car - just the two of us - on Saturday afternoon.

"Mom, what does S&M mean?"

Oh, fiddlesticks. I knew this was coming.

"Well, it's a sexual reference. I assume you gathered that."

"Well, duh."

"Fine. Do you want me to tell you then?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

"There's no need to be hostile. I don't care if you are twelve."

"Fine. Will you please tell me what S&M means?"

"Okay. Well, the S stands for sadist and the M stands for masochist. Do you know what those words mean?" Oh hell, why hadn't I changed the station to Radio Classics. We could be listening to some nice wholesome crime on Dragnet.

"Yeah, go on. Tell me what those words mean. Please."

Ten minutes later....

"So that's it. One likes their sexual pleasure with pain and the other enjoys doling out the pain." I took a deep breath and waited. I glanced over at her. She looked a little pale as she stared straight ahead.

"Too much?"

She took her own deep breath. "You know, I didn't really need to know about the existence of nipple clamps.  You could have just said kinky sex."

"Yeah, but kinky implies a value judgment and there's nothing wrong with..."



"You're doing it again."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. How about we listen to some Dragnet?"

"Yes. God, yes."

Do you over-explain things? How do you know when it's too much? What's kinky anyway?

If she's seen the video, then I think she knows. I do believe I was being tested to see what I know.


  1. It could be worse. I ran across this anecdote online a while back:

    "This happened 16 years ago, when I was 14.

    "Hearing some strange noises from behind my parent's door one afternoon, I got a little concerned. I knew what sex was and even what it sounded like. If I had heard those kinds of noises I never would have walked right in their room without knocking. It was more along the lines of snapping gum or clapping hands randomly.

    "Curious, I walked in, and got the shock of my life. Mom was handcuffed, bent over a footstool; leather collar on and a ball gag in her mouth. Dad was in a leather vest... um... behind her, and using a riding crop on her back.

    "Mom saw me right away and looked horrified, but Dad was a little too... busy... to notice my entrance. I didn't say anything. I just backed out of the room and shut the door.

    "Mom and I had a Mother-Daughter talk shortly after that."

    I'm thinking that M-D talk was more awkward than yours by several orders of magnitude.

  2. This post reminds me of the time a friend of mine was asked to explain what a 'Dirty Sanchez' was to a waitress. After he told her what it was she turned beet red and told him to never speak to her again.

  3. That conversation was hilarious! I've had to answer sex questions for my son. Thankfully, we've never discussed nipple clamps!

  4. Well, at least she asked you instead of google. I have to work very hard to give age appropriate explanations of sensitive parts of life (genitals, abuse, violence, death, alcoholism) when Pip asks, since he's only 2. I imagine that I will over explain when the kids are older.

  5. Hahaha. I was going to say she's one lucky kid to have such an honest, forthright mom who speaks to her like an adult...on the other hand, the fact that she heard her mother say "nipple clamp" kind of ruins my theory.

  6. I don't know why, but that "value judgement" line just cracked me up.

  7. I would have up and died as a child before having that conversation with my mom. Actually, I don't think I could've...I'm pretty sure Betty has never heard of nipple clamps in her life. She'd have left it at kinky.

  8. I clearly remember when our cupcake, at age 6 or so, suddenly realized that adults use sex for recreation. She was horrified. She's never looked at me the same since.

  9. I am guilty of not explaining a single thing. They seem to have figured everything out, but I wouldn't know as I don't ask and they don't tell.

  10. And that is why your kids are so well adjusted - you're honest. ;)

  11. I'm impressed (quoting a Rihanna). Love the conversation. I love it more when I think I don't ever have to have those conversation with my kids... ever. Did I say, "ever"? Yeah, as in never ever............................ever.

  12. I'm tucking this away for when I need it...hopefully not for a couple dozen years...

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  14. What's kinky, anyway?"

    "Kinky", is using a feather...

    "Perverted" is using the whole chicken.


  15. I love that you can do this. Were you always so honest, or as a mom did you grow into it.
    The furthest I've gotten is telling my son it's a penis not a wenis. He is five mind you, whips it out, and says this part or this part.
    I say that part, now put that thing away!
    Lisa, there will be a time that a tall woman shows up at your house and says I will reach anything in any grocery store for you, but you need to give me lessons. Now.
    That will be me.

  16. Oh my. I think you sound like a good mom. I particularly like it that you identified a value judgment. Your story reminds me of a time, many moons ago, when my parents had a couple over and my sister and I were, per our parents' inclusiveness, part of the living room discussion. The couple was wondering what to name their new dog, and since we had a dog named Sgt. Pepper, getting a prompt from an album seemed like a good idea. So, my sister or I grabbed the "Hair" soundtrack and began making suggestions from the song titles. When one of us said, "How about 'Sodomy'?" the grown-ups didn't make a big deal of it -- simply groaned, nixed the idea, and inspired us to keep pitching suggestions...

  17. Here is Julia Sweeney's hilarious story about talking to her daughter about sex:

  18. Ha! You go, girl!

    Yes, indeedy do, I totally over-explain things. My kids run so fast, you'd think I had just threatened them with a sharp blade.

    My definition of kinky? That's hard one. Tee hee.

  19. OMG, you make me laugh, Lisa! And you'll never regret being honest with her. Well, until the day that she asks if she can borrow you're nipple clamps. Some things, you just don't share.

  20. Bet that's on the next edition of Kidz Bop.

  21. Although I don't envy you at all I'm sure you're up to the task of getting Sophie the information required. That you can be so funny and loose is a marvel.

    Now wouldn't it be nice if the government would just leave teachers alone to get on with their jobs too?

  22. When Nooze asks those questions, I look at her pointedly and ask if she really wants the answer.

    So far, I have only "over-shared" that I like being naked with her dad. That was punishment for being a chatterbox after I told her to be quiet TWICE.

  23. And since you were driving, I can only conclude you managed to carry on this conversation while you were sober?

    Braver (and funnier) woman than I am.

  24. Right after she hears "Hold Still Little Girl" She will be coming to have another conversation with ya if you are lucky.
    I get the most serious kick out of you lady.

    If I ever see the words "Butt Plug" on this blog I am going to choke to death.
    Somehow, I see this as a serious possibility.

    Hugz, Busted

  25. I still think of my teenagers as children. When my daughter turned twelve, I threw a box of Kotex at her and made for the door. I don't want any of us to know any of THAT about each other.

    Thank god I'm not the only parent. If sex ed were left up to me, those kids would be reproducing like bunnies.

  26. Chicken.

    I embarrassed the shit out of my little girl, she had no idea daddy knew about these things.
    Tampons, heavy duty,? Tampax?

    Panty liners?

    The poor little thing turned green, apparently Daddies aren't supposed to know about these things.
    Damn well better to be able to talk to yer little darlin's up front I say.
    They will get over the shock and look at you in a different light when the "other" stuff comes up.

    There is a limit to what you can say or ask, I found it but hey, she knows she can talk to Daddy if the Aunts or Mommy ain't around.

    Actually, the boy was harder to talk to in the long run.

  27. You know, I've heard the song, not paid much attention to the lyrics...nothing new.
    My kids have been begging me to stop over answering for years. I do the same thing, asking if they really want the answers. I'm sure when I finally got one teen to answer she was having sex and using condoms it was difficult, but seriously, I had been preaching come to me, talk, we'll get more BC...oy!!! Mine never ask about our sex life.....they are probably afraid!!

  28. Never walked in on your parents going at it, I presume.
    That would be us now.

    Damn good too.

  29. Vividly told, as always.

    In our house there is a saying that, "Daddy goes too far." It means that I will press explanations, humor, and details at least one layer further than anyone wanted to hear. Sometimes I get laughs from Dearest - other times I get a well deserved kick under the table. Either way, I can't stop myself.

    As for the sexual explanations... We also have a saying in this house, "You're not old enough for that." It's applied to the two oldest members of the family as often as to the younger members. We all have different tolerances and appetites for things gruesome, scary, or explicit, and we have grown relatively good at knowing when we are going to cross someone else's line. Or when a book, movie, TV show, etc. is going to disturb one of us (even if it had been perfect for another).

    But I still cross those lines more than the others (and my shins can prove it). And I generally get to do most of the explanations on sexual slang, concepts, innuendo, etc. - because they almost always entail describing things to the point of surprise or even shock, and I'm more comfortable with that...

  30. OK Steve, you have been officially honored as an Ornery Bastard.


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