Some of the Goldens are on Spring Break so here are a few snatches of conversation from the week.
MathMan to me: If you're going to parade around in that Bazinga! shirt and nothing else, you're going to have to satisfy my Pon farr.
Me: Dear lord, I now know what Pon Farr is.
MathMan: I can't believe you didn't know before. But now you're wearing a Bazinga! shirt. You'd better know.
Me to MathMan: Do you know what profligate means?
MathMan: Is this a quiz?
Me: No, I'm serious. Do you? I sort of know, but not really.
MathMan: It's not a math concept, you know that, right? I don't do words. I do numbers. Wait - maybe it's in this story I'm reading.
Me: What story is that?
MathMan: Hang on, I'm scanning.
MathMan: Nope, nothing in this baseball story about Minnie Minosa that mentions profligate.
Nate to me: Mom, do you really think this note from you with a frowny face is going to motivate me?
Me: Okay then. How about I motivate you by retelling the story of how you tried to hide and poop at the park when you were three?
Nate: Nope, the frowny face will suffice.
Sophie via phone call: I have a question, but it's probably going to be a no.
Me: Then why ask?
Sophie: Because your no doesn't always stick.
Me: Shit. I mean shoot.
Sophie: I knew what you meant, potty mouth. So can I spend the night with......?
Me: Fine. Why the fuck not?
Me to MathMan: Did you like the blackberry mountain pie?
MathMan: You couldn't tell? Oh, haven't you been in the kitchen lately?
Sophie: Are we going to do anything fun during this break?
Me: I'm reading. It's fun.
Sophie: That's not what I mean.
Me: Okay, now I'm reading and eating another Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. If you don't think that's fun, you need your head examined.
Sophie: Other kids get to take vacations.
Me: I know. But a book is like a vacation.
Sophie: Can I have a Peanut Butter Egg?
Sophie: When I'm a fat, unhappy adult, you can blame yourself for teaching me that food equals fun.
Me: Consider it material for your memoir.
Sophie: First I'll have to discuss it with my therapist.
Me: Awww.....now that's my little writer....
Chloe via phone: Mom?
Me: There's no one here by that name.....
Me to MathMan: I'm testing the theory that a 45 year old woman in reasonably good health can live on Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs for a whole week.
MathMan: Are you also tracking the methane levels in this room because........?
Me: What band was Richard Ashcroft in before?
MathMan: Narrow down before for me.
Me: We used to listen to them on XRT in the 90s, maybe the late 80s.
MathMan: Well, that narrows it down. It sounds like Oasis maybe.
Me: Everything sounds like Oasis to you.
MathMan: I'll google it, shall I?
Me: Yes. And while you're at it, google profligate. I still haven't managed to look it up.
Chloe via text: Mom?
Me via text: No one here by that name.
MathMan (waving his phone at me before answering it): Will you please answer your daughter? She's about to have a meltdown.
Me: Meltdowns come from your side of the family. You take this one.
MathMan: What will I get in return?
Me: I'm a Republican now. I don't negotiate, motherfucker.
MathMan to Chloe via phone: Hi, Chloe. Mom's a Republican now...(pauses)....okay, I'll tell her.
MathMan to me: She says she's calling Grandma to tell her you're a Republican now.
Me: Fuuuuuuck. I'll take the call.
MathMan: Well, it's Monday. Can I assume that fit you just had will take care of the week? And what was that fit about anyway?
Me: I wish I knew. PMS? The fact that you jerks are home on break and getting underfoot?
MathMan: From the looks of the chocolate wrapper debris in the trashcan, I'm going with PMS.
Me: I hate you sometimes.
MathMan: Alrighty then. I'll talk to you in a week. (walks out of the room backward and slowly without taking his eyes off me)
Me: I am not cleaning up after these kids anymore. Let them live with the consequences of their lazy selves.
Nate to Sophie: I give that declaration about a day and a half.
Me: Just for that, I'm raising the stakes. I'm not doing your laundry. You can do it yourselves.
Nate nudges Sophie and raises one finger and mouths "One day."
Nate to MathMan: Why is Mom out there doing all that mowing and stuff?
MathMan: Remember when you were little and we called you Mister Energy?
MathMan: You are your mother's son.
Nate: Can't we just take her to the park and let her run around in circles until she wears herself out? It used to work for me, didn't it?
MathMan: Do you want to mow and rake?
Nate: Point taken.
MathMan to me: So how did that call go?
Me: Well, she said they got an overwhelming response to their ad, but at least I got a phone interview.
MathMan: That's excellent!
Me: Yep. One second I'm standing at the kitchen counter clipping the ends off soy sauce packets to see if I have enough of them for the pork chop marinade and next thing you know, I'm in the middle of an impromptu phone interview with one of the coolest museums in Georgia.
MathMan: And all the while you're wearing nothing but a sports bra and some sweats.
Me: My verbal ninja skills were freed up by a lack of clothing.
MathMan: You weren't yourself on that call, were you?
Me: Of course not! That would be madness.
Are you being yourself? What are you wearing?