Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down


Some of the Goldens are on Spring Break so here are a few snatches of conversation from the week.

MathMan to me:  If you're going to parade around in that Bazinga! shirt and nothing else, you're going to have to satisfy my Pon farr.
Me:  Dear lord, I now know what Pon Farr is.
MathMan:  I can't believe you didn't know before. But now you're wearing a Bazinga! shirt. You'd better know.

Me to MathMan:  Do you know what profligate means?
MathMan: Is this a quiz?
Me:  No, I'm serious. Do you? I sort of know, but not really.
MathMan:  It's not a math concept, you know that, right? I don't do words. I do numbers. Wait - maybe it's in this story I'm reading.
Me: What story is that?
MathMan: Hang on, I'm scanning.
Me: Well?
MathMan:  Nope, nothing in this baseball story about Minnie Minosa that mentions profligate.

Nate to me:  Mom, do you really think this note from you with a frowny face is going to motivate me?
Me:  Okay then. How about I motivate you by retelling the story of how you tried to hide and poop at the park when you were three?
Nate:  Nope, the frowny face will suffice.

Sophie via phone call:  I have a question, but it's probably going to be a no.
Me: Then why ask?
Sophie: Because your no doesn't always stick.
Me: Shit. I mean shoot.
Sophie:  I knew what you meant, potty mouth. So can I spend the night with......?
Me: Fine. Why the fuck not?

Me to MathMan: Did you like the blackberry mountain pie?
MathMan:  You couldn't tell? Oh, haven't you been in the kitchen lately?

Sophie: Are we going to do anything fun during this break?
Me: I'm reading. It's fun.
Sophie: That's not what I mean.
Me: Okay, now I'm reading and eating another Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. If you don't think that's fun, you need your head examined.
Sophie: Other kids get to take vacations.
Me: I know. But a book is like a vacation.
Sophie: Can I have a Peanut Butter Egg?
Me: Sure.
Sophie: When I'm a fat, unhappy adult, you can blame yourself for teaching me that food equals fun.
Me: Consider it material for your memoir.
Sophie: First I'll have to discuss it with my therapist.
Me: Awww.....now that's my little writer....

Chloe via phone:  Mom?
Me:  There's no one here by that name.....

Me to MathMan: I'm testing the theory that a 45 year old woman in reasonably good health can live on Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs for a whole week.
MathMan:  Are you also tracking the methane levels in this room because........?

Me: What band was Richard Ashcroft in before?
MathMan: Narrow down before for me.
Me: We used to listen to them on XRT in the 90s, maybe the late 80s.
MathMan: Well, that narrows it down. It sounds like Oasis maybe.
Me: Everything sounds like Oasis to you.
MathMan: I'll google it, shall I?
Me: Yes. And while you're at it, google profligate. I still haven't managed to look it up.

Chloe via text:  Mom?
Me via text:  No one here by that name.
MathMan (waving his phone at me before answering it): Will you please answer your daughter? She's about to have a meltdown.
Me: Meltdowns come from your side of the family. You take this one.
MathMan: What will I get in return?
Me: I'm a Republican now. I don't negotiate, motherfucker.
MathMan to Chloe via phone: Hi, Chloe. Mom's a Republican now...(pauses)....okay, I'll tell her.
MathMan to me: She says she's calling Grandma to tell her you're a Republican now.
Me: Fuuuuuuck. I'll take the call.

MathMan:  Well, it's Monday. Can I assume that fit you just had will take care of the week?  And what was that fit about anyway?
Me: I wish I knew. PMS? The fact that you jerks are home on break and getting underfoot?
MathMan: From the looks of the chocolate wrapper debris in the trashcan, I'm going with PMS.
Me: I hate you sometimes.
MathMan: Alrighty then. I'll talk to you in a week. (walks out of the room backward and slowly without taking his eyes off me)

Me:  I am not cleaning up after these kids anymore. Let them live with the consequences of their lazy selves.
MathMan nods.
Nate to Sophie: I give that declaration about a day and a half.
Me: Just for that, I'm raising the stakes. I'm not doing your laundry. You can do it yourselves.
Nate nudges Sophie and raises one finger and mouths "One day."

Nate to MathMan: Why is Mom out there doing all that mowing and stuff?
MathMan:  Remember when you were little and we called you Mister Energy?
Nate:  Yeah.
MathMan: You are your mother's son.
Nate:  Can't we just take her to the park and let her run around in circles until she wears herself out? It used to work for me, didn't it?
MathMan: Do you want to mow and rake?
Nate: Point taken.

MathMan to me: So how did that call go?
Me: Well, she said they got an overwhelming response to their ad, but at least I got a phone interview.
MathMan: That's excellent!
Me: Yep. One second I'm standing at the kitchen counter clipping the ends off soy sauce packets to see if I have enough of them for the pork chop marinade and next thing you know, I'm in the middle of an impromptu phone interview with one of the coolest museums in Georgia.
MathMan: And all the while you're wearing nothing but a sports bra and some sweats.
Me: My verbal ninja skills were freed up by a lack of clothing.
MathMan: You weren't yourself on that call, were you?
Me: Of course not! That would be madness.

Are you being yourself? What are you wearing?

32 comments:

  1. Love love love these conversations! You made me giggle over and over and over!

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  2. The interesting thing about the word profligate is that it can mean recklessly extravagant (the more usual meaning) -- or, immoral in a more generic sense.

    I am currently in Texas, watching the news and despairing about the budget hijinks. I was wondering if I would find commentary here. You are one of my favorite sources for mordant analysis of American political fuckwittedness.

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  3. Speaking of Bazinga, did you watch tonight? I think your family needs to test how fast gossip travels.

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  4. Hi! I tried being very patient and the page finally opened on my S L O W dial up...lol! I just wanted to be able to post on your blog! :)I love your family conversations! lol Lots of fun to read! I hope the phone interview got you the job at the museum! :) After almost three years of unemployment I got a job at a party store 2 miles from my house...I just started and after barely 15 hours of work over a three week period I was given a key today and told that I open the store and work ALONE monday from 10am-3pm. I'm freaking out because I am the nervous type who thinks everyone is coming in to rob the place! :( Good luck in your job hunt...either the economy is getting better or the store owners were really desperate! :)

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  5. A week in the life, classic.

    Favorite line: "Okay, now I'm reading and eating another Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. If you don't think that's fun, you need your head examined."

    Beautiful, and funny as hell.

    -Lyra

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  6. Oh, geez, and late in the night, I forgot. I hope the museum comes through!!!!!!

    -Lyra

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  7. Can I be anyone else? And I am wearing a towel ;~)

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  8. Right now I'm wearing underwear...... it's 4:18 in the morning, what else would I be wearing.

    You know, typing Pon Farr doesn't give it justice. You lose the wonderful old Vulcan lady dialect. Funniest line of the whole story - "She says she's calling Grandma to tell her you're a Republican now." "Fuuuuuuck. I'll take the call."

    This is the Lisa I know and love.

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  9. Pale pink cotton night gown with eyelet yoke and tiny satin ribbon. Very Southern Grandma.
    But that's only because I haven't taken a shower yet. Generally, my morning internet attire resembles Liberality's. And there's coffee - more entirely authentic self.

    Love Reese's eggs. Sorry about the methane.

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  10. Okay. This is a play. You know that, right? You've got yourself the core of one of the funniest stage productions ever. Flesh it out, insert STAGE LEFT and STAGE RIGHT wherever you think acceptable, and get thee to a theater company NOW. Or, if you want, hand it over to me and I'll do it.

    You R-O-C-K.

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  11. Please, let me live in the Golden household. I'll be good. I mean, bad.

    And no, I'm not being myself: I'm wearing scrubs.

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  12. I haven't laughed so hard in... well maybe ever. This is brilliant. Chuck the novel and the memoir, and write a freaking screenplay! (No, no, don't chuck anything!!! Just write a screenplay next.)

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  13. You *talk* to your family? Weirdo.

    No, & no panties.

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  14. Ha. Sophie cracks me up.

    I'm wearing ill-fitting jeans a tan/pink/brown shirt from Target circa 2007. Also a beautiful stone/wire bracelet made by a local artist, which I thought I'd lost on my bus commute this morning. Fortunately, I found it on my office floor, so crisis averted.

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  15. You should do a What are you wearing? Friday feature. I am wearing many articles of clothing, a silk flower in my hair, and my sleeping baby on my chest.

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  16. An interview! More chocolate!

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  17. It's quite an amazing and raucous environment you reside in, isn't it? My life is quite monastic compared to yours - except for Friday and Saturday nights when the drunk student partiers hit the halls. Now that it's Spring they'll be out on the streets too.

    I'm wearing my green rubber habit in case they knock on the door and invite me to a céilidh.

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  18. Where do I begin?
    So funny.

    And yes, a book can be a holiday.

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  19. Nooze's Spring Break is the week after Easter. Can I please send her to your house for a week-long field trip?

    It'd be like camp, with British comedies and more swearing.

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  20. Oh, I almost forgot...

    I'm decked out in boxer shorts and a ratty t-shirt, with my hair in a wild bun. [I need a haircut.]

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  21. Your conversation with Nate, the frowny face, and him pooping in the park when he was three - was my favorite conversation you had!

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  22. My ex told me pon farr was some sort of Star Trek thing. Maybe involving a sword of some sort, so when I saw it was a dessert, I decided he was as much of an idiot as I thought :)

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  23. //
    Are you being yourself? What are you wearing?//

    I keep wanting to be someone else... but no one will trade!!

    Ha! My clothes just wear me down...!!!

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  24. i always, always come late to this party. i need an email subscription (that was me dropping a hint).

    good luck with the phone interview!
    amyg

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  25. Lisa. Let me just say-you are awsome!

    And yeah, being just me, whoever that is! Me in a night gown on a Sunday at 9:00 A.M.

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  26. Love this post. I knew it was going to be good when you had the lyrics to Bittersweet Symphony. This is one of my favorite songs. And any woman who tosses back Reese's P-Butter Eggs is a friend of mine. I remember Jonesing for chocolate and squirting Hershey cholate syrup into my mouth standing in front of the refrigerator. My mouth didn't touch the container, I did have small children and was thinking of hygene!

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  27. Good luck with the museum. That would be great.

    And this:

    Sophie: When I'm a fat, unhappy adult, you can blame yourself for teaching me that food equals fun.

    I love Sophie.

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  28. Mom? There's no one here by that name ...

    Oh, I do remember school vacations!

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  29. Which self?
    The at home self is so boring re clothing that you can predict the jeans and T-shirt OR jeans, T-shirt and flannel shirt by a look at the thermometer.
    The work self (in front of customers or jetting around the country) is happiest in a suit with a different color waistcoat and a bowtie.
    The artist is happiest in the red beret (the "weird hat" as one young neighbor clled it) and denim jacket.
    My inner imaginary self might be wearing a cape like Svengali and a mustache that would get stares and silence any bar I entered. And boots other men might kill for.

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  30. Oh - and the two things that made me laugh hardest in your post this time were the reappearance of the word profligate, and the three way conversation with Chloe about you becoming a Republican... I laughed and collapsed against the computer screen.

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And then you say....

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