Friday, May 20, 2011

Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn

One last kitty photo before we go.
Because there just aren't enough photos of cats on the internet, that's why.
Not to sound too crazy or anything, but the idea that the world is ending this weekend doesn't sound so bad right now. Talk about the solution to a lot of my headaches. Now's the time for life's accounting. Let's see...

All of my children are alive, have never seen the inside of juvenile hall nor starred on Sixteen and Pregnant. I consider my work as a mother a success. I did all the things society demands. I drove on the right side of the road. I graduated college, got married, had children, bought a house, and car, went into consumer debt and got a subscription to cable television. I never descended into squalor, never lived on the dole I didn't invest in first, never let the terrorists win at badminton or stab my Sunday School teacher with safety scissors, never peed in anyone's drink, gave anyone the stinkpalm or made a molehill out of a mountain. I never met a sweet I didn't like or a man I wouldn't try to charm. Overall, I'd say I was a pretty good person by American standards. Sure, there were issues with religion, The Pledge of Allegiance and my unladylike snorting derision of nationalist attempts to make me wear a ridiculous flag lapel pin to show my love of country, but by and large, I didn't fare badly.

Of course there are regrets. Oh so many regrets, but on this momentous occasion, I'm not mourning the things that have passed, but those things that will never be....

I never kissed Clive Owen on the lips. Or got to the top of the Eiffel Tower, floated in the Dead Sea, had champagne and strawberries in a sunny meadow, drove an Aston-Martin, made my first million, served with the Peace Corps, published a novel, shared a kiss in front of the Trevi Fountain, identified all the constellations, met the President, read War & Peace, joined The Mile High Club, had a diamond ring, figured out what's wrong with my laptop's disc drive, exacted revenge, gained an appreciation for the music of Steeley Dan, mastered painting the nails on my right hand,  felt confident when I read poetry, regained my French fluency, scratched that itch, quenched that thirst or satisfied that hunger.

But now it's too late for all that. I'm just going to sit here in my bedroom lawn chair and wait for the end and think of all the things I did do - good and bad.  The Queen will be in her counting house counting out the karmic currency. And she commands you to have a wonderful weekend, such that it is. Careful when the looting begins. You know how those nonbelievers can be.

P.S. The new diet starts Monday.

What are you doing this weekend besides running around in circles and screaming? What are you glad for? What do you regret? What did you leave undone?


  1. Have missed a lot of the hoopla regarding "end of the world" this weekend. Been living in a "war zone" here in Cullman, AL -- after the EF4 tornado that hit my neighborhood. Kinda feels like the end of the world, but lucky I only had roof damage. Many homes were destroyed, just terrible. Still didn't make me religious though!

    As for what I'm doing this weekend -- relaxing at last. Most of my repairs are done, and other than the continuous noise from work crews, I'm good.

  2. I'm not sure what time the Rapture begins. I am having friends over for dinner. I don't think they are believers. As for the children, I don't think any have been baptized or born again. I guess we will be left in peace to enjoy our smoked chili. If only the devout are taken up, then the only place in town to loot would be the Christian Science Reading Room. I doubt there's much to take there but a few worn magazines.

    Hope your weekend is wonderful.

    Hmmmmm. Now I'm wondering if the Rapture includes flooding. Lots of rain here.

  3. We are hosting a birthday party (postponed from last weekend while my better half & I were recovering from some damned infection. I coughed up stuff that looked like it previously starred in a Ghostbuster movie.) It will be Saturday, so if my sister-in-law suddenly disappears then I know that we're in trouble.

    Your list of regrets reminded me of some of mine. I've never been skydiving, never flown a plane, driven a car at Talledega, joined the Mile High Club or played Caligula in a movie.

    BTW, I might be able to help you with your laptop hard drive.

  4. Kim, the Rapturists say that it will commence at 6PM local time tomorrow. So if you get up on Saturday morning and learn that New Zealand, Japan and Australia haven't had massive earthquakes and zombie infestations, then there's probably been a rain delay. Or something.

  5. Reading your post, I was reminded of this!

    That so many people in a country which regards itself as the most progressive and advanced in the world are prepared to even entertain the thought of believing in such religious crap astounds me, as a European observer, again and again.

  6. I'm pretty sure Jesus is not going to pop in and yank up a bunch of the misguided faithful into the air, but you are all invited to tea at our place afterward to celebrate if it happens. I think our version of Christianity is "idolatry" since we worship God with the aid of images and tradition and other old-fangled ideas, rather than just worshiping the Bible as one is meant to do. Too bad, because I hear the tea is better in heaven.

  7. I'm planning to keep an eye on the neighbor - if he's Raptured, I'm taking his car.

  8. Terrorists prefer lawn darts.

    I refuse to answer any of your questions on national security grounds.

  9. IMHO, the truly annoying ones, you know the ones that are positive they'll be raptured, won't be raptured!!

    The guy that started this also predicted the end in 1994. Guess recalculated his math and figured out he was off by 17yrs!! He claims it is exactly 7000yrs after the flood. But,but,but I thought they say the world is only 6000yrs old, does not compute!!!

  10. Sorry, didn't mean to use logic in such an important matter as the end of the world!!!

  11. I have a weekend of weeding and mulching ahead...maybe I should put it off until Sunday, end of the world and all.

  12. So I bequeath to you the following:

    The top of the Eiffel Tower
    A float in the Dead Sea
    A kiss in front of the Trevi Fountain (although it might be from me but I swear you'll never forget it)
    The reading of War & Peace
    Membership in the Mile High Club
    A Diamond Ring (and as an added bonus I'll throw in the emerald ring from my last marriage)
    The resolution of my last four disc drives
    The appreciation for Steeley Dan but it won't help because I lost it within minutes of having discovered it
    The confidence to read ANYTHING written by Ogden Nash in front of 500 people
    and lastly The Scratching of Multiple Itches (but I warn you, there will always be more).

    I THOUGHT I was going to be looking up at the stars (or murky clouds) in the Blue Ridge mountains in VA on Saturday night by myself in front of a fire outside of a tent but if I don't get rid of this raging cough that's going to have to wait a day or two.

    Funny, I just posted the first 73 words of that song on facebook and I'm waiting for people to fill in the rest. :-)

    xxoo Alecto

  13. ah crap. I need to mow down the front meadow before I leave anyway before the neighbors start burning crosses in my front yard.

  14. Actually the Rapturists are right in that there will be a Rapture and that they will be selected and drawn to the heavens. Of course as soon as they hit the vacuum of outer space they will be flash-frozen dead.

    Meanwhile, GOD will return to Earth, proclaim something about ridding the temple of rats and cockroaches ... one of those parable things I suppose.

    I then expect GOD will give us a wink and say, "Party On!"

  15. Oddly enough, I consider my work as a mother a complete and utter failure! Hard to believe. I know, right?

  16. so i have this huge project (website content) for a client that they asked to get by saturday so that they can edit it by monday and now i'm all depressed because i may be spending my last days writing website copy. do you think they'll understand if i ask for lengthened deadline in case the end of the world does happen? i'd much rather be waiting for it out in the sun with a good book and my kids playing at my feet than sticking them in front of spongebob while i'm holed away in my office. what to do, what to do

  17. STUFF! The world has ended five, six times, for me anyways, and I just keep waking up... now is that screwed up, or what!!!

    //What did you leave undone?//

    I have to call Nancy.... I think she still has my High School class ring and I thought, you know, if she really wasn't using it for anything, she could give it back.

  18. ... and Rapture??? isn't that a kind of bird or something??

  19. Depends if it rains or not. If it doesn't, I'm going out with a nicely mowed lawn.

  20. When I awaken on Sunday morning, I will just be glad that I didn't run up my credit card bills because I always said that if I knew exactly when I was going to die, I would do that. Just charge away giddily. No.

    There was a silly woman at work today who I was unfortunate to have to ride an elevator with...alone. She wore a button that said that the world was ending and she would give Jesus a hug from the rest of us.

    I smiled when she pointed to her button and said, "Can you maybe give him a french kiss from me?"

    She edged away from my sinner self. I can't tell you tempting it was to just invade her space. Instead I just looked at my shoes and smiled when her floor came and she bolted out of there like I had head lice.

  21. There is a dinky little Scottish festival on Saturday, here locally. If the world ends on Saturday, I'm making my exist w live bagpipe music. ; >

  22. Damn, you are on a solid roll this week, aren't you? But of course if the end is coming tomorrow I guess that's just as well. What I've read about the current prediction is that the rapturous will be raptured on May 21st and then come Oct 21st not just the world but the entire Universe will end. Heck, where will all the ceo's, bankers and politicians go then?

    But I can't go tomorrow because there are things I need time to finish. That masterpiece I'm trying to paint likely won't be ready by October either so they can just put the whole deal on hold a while longer.

    One thing I'm glad of among a few other things is having met you.

  23. Right now, my cat Scooter is paying way too much attention to the hockey playoff game that's on my TV. That's about as much rapture as I expect to see all weekend!

  24. I dreamed that "Sheldon" shoved his tongue down my throat last night.

    I reckon I can cross THAT off my list.

  25. It's Sunday and the world looks pretty much the same as it did yesterday. Oh, except for the laundry pile. I put if off, thinking it pointless. Serves me right for getting caught up in the hoopla.

  26. "I never published a novel."

    The world didn't end so you need to change that to "I haven't yet published a novel" - I saw that pitch over at Betsy's

  27. Lisa, wonderfully said. Oh, and the never having "scratched that itch, quenched that thirst or satisfied that hunger" is an affliction common to creative people and thinkers, and is a GOOD thing. If you satisfy all those things, then what's the point? It's about moving forward, always. And if there's no reason to move forward, then the world might as well end.

    I spent yesterday, the last day of the world, on a patio on Queen Street West, with my two favourite gals in the world, my daughters, drinking buckets of Coronas, eating Tex Mex and talking in the sun. The would could have ended and all would be okay. xo

  28. I love how the existence of this crazy cult's billboards are supposed to somehow convince us that it "must be true." Ridiculous. Yet, my daughter (Jewish) and her best friend (Baha'i) were watching the computer clock anxiously at 6pm, just in case the world did end!


And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)