Friday, June 24, 2011

A Little Less Bob and Emily, A Little More Rob and Laura

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I used to wonder why my parents took separate bedrooms after all the kids moved out of the house. Not to share too many of their secrets, but I think it had something to do with the fact that Dad worked different shifts and he snored in a way that made Fred Flintstone's snore sound charming.

I think the first real shift happened after they realized the waterbed was a huge mistake. Funny how when MathMan and I were first married, my parents offered us the use of their room during our visits. Meanwhile they retired to my and my brother's former bedrooms. What I remember most about trying to sleep on that waterbed with a bedfellow was repeating the phrase "We must be doing it wrong because I do not understand the appeal."

At least my parents got a decent night's rest. Unless, of course, they heard the shouts of "I'm hanging ten!" because we were newlyweds, after all.

No matter, my parents discovered the joy of sleeping alone again and they never turned back.

Now I understand. I love my husband. I love being close to him, I love a before sleep cuddle, but I am so ready to have my own bedroom, or at the very least, my own bed. Our mattress is in desperate need of replacement and when there is finally enough money to purchase one, I'm proposing we go with the Rob and Laura Petrie twin set.

Just imagine, no fighting over the covers, no sheets being pulled all cattywampus by someone who likes to cocoon himself, no hot breath on your neck, no garlic laced burps, no chest hairs tickling your back, no playing Did You Do That? or Dutch Oven. No tangled limbs, no elbows up the nose, no fussing about who is sleeping in the middle of the bed while someone else is relegated to a tiny corner of the mattress and look, I made an outline like at a crime scene to prove it!

I could even wrestle with my pillows on a sleepless night without waking my darling. Hell, when I'm really having trouble sleeping, I could watch TV or read without leaving the bed or without having someone give me the mole-eyed grumpface and heavy sigh routine.

This idea has promise. We'll be better rested. We can place the beds side to side with a swell little table between them just like the Petries and burn extra calories jumping from bed to bed. I haven't done that since I was a kid. We can push the beds together when we feel like it or play eenie meenie miney moe to decide which bed will be that morning's playground. Yes, I said morning. It's how we roll in the hay.

Speaking of - the last couple of mornings I've awakened to find MathMan's pillow over my face. After a brief struggle, I realized that it wasn't a murder pillow, it was an abandoned pillow. Nevertheless, it's a rough way to start the day and I'm not completely convinced that he wasn't as some point holding that pillow in place. When I confronted him about it he looked away and whistled. If my cartoon symbolism is up to snuff, that means a he's lying.

There's also the issue of MathMan's limbs which seem most content when draped over me, pinning me to the mattress so that I can't shift without waking him and if I wake him, we're likely to have that tiresome conversation again about why don't we try sex at 3a.m. instead of 7a.m. all the while some of my body parts are tingling not because of a happy rush of blood, but because they've been deprived of circulation.

MathMan is never satisfied with my response that I don't do anything well at 3 a.m. so I try to distract him with humor. "You don't want me to just lie there and giggle, do you?"

"Couldn't you work in an occasional 'Oh, god, oh, god?'"

"At 3a.m.? You must be dreaming."

"If I were dreaming your panties would be off already."

Maybe I should start snoring.


  1. Hell, I want my own apartment.

  2. Ah. My parents, who were married for 59 years and who would still be married but for that unfortunate death thing, started doing separate bedrooms in the late '70s, when my brother moved totally out and Mom took his bedroom for a sewing room/kip. Dad continued to sleep in the master bedroom and had quite a collection of Time magazines piled up.

    They both snored, but I think it was being able to watch their own TV shows well into the night. (I should ask.)

  3. I suggest you start by first using one-person tents in the back yard. To save space in the bedroom, dump the mattress and get two hammocks ... mosquito netting is optional.

  4. I'm still chuckling from the Hang 10 comment. You are so funny.

    Listen, if a separate bedroom is good enough for the Queen, it's good enough for this Duchess.

    (FYI, did you know that separate is the most commonly misspelled word - I googled to doublecheck my spelling and found this

  5. Love sharing my king sized bed with my husband, hairy chest and all. What I want is my own bathroom!!!

  6. What about that crazy sleep number bed? :)

    I always lust after the day, it will be mine.

    I may write a Tempurpedic poem....hmm...we'll see.

  7. "We must be doing it wrong because I do not understand the appeal." ZOMG, I almost peed myself woman! ;)

    I finally got my rss thang to work correctly and look who I find again! What was old is now new. ;p

  8. Oh, and speaking from personal experience..separate rooms have an appeal that twin beds do not..peace and quiet!

    Although on nights when my back is killing me I can still hear him snore..from way, down the hall. Yes, he snores that loud. ;p

  9. Puddles snores and tosses, and I snore (in a most lady like way, I'm sure). Unless the bedrooms are separated with land mines and razor wire, there's no rule against fraternizing with the enemy during waking hours, if you know what I mean.

  10. First off, that was a hoot. My fun reading for the day ...

    I'm with MSB -- I need my own apartment. If my husband breathes too loud, I have to move to the other room. I used to just tough it out, but since the menopause has hit, I just lay there getting pissed.

    No sleep + being pissed off = bad household joo joo.

    We recently staying in a hotel and he started snoring. I poked and elbowed him enough times, that he got pissed this time. "What the HELL! What do you want me to do? Sleep in the fucking hall?!?!"

    The hall works for me.

  11. Damn, Lisa, why do I read you at work? The boss just came by while I was snuffling back a giggle.

    Drew snores too. If I touch him or try to roll him over, he always--and I mean always--turns into this groping octopus-creature. And his aim is unerring.

    In the morning, he'll swear he remembers nothing. Uh-huh.

  12. We slept in separate rooms for a while right before we slept in separate apartments for a while longer. Nowadays we're quite comfortable together in our queen size bed.

    You made me laugh a couple of times reading this one.

  13. I am told that ****I*** snore. Ok but the husband snores too. We do the blanket wrestling as well, I am accused of doing the take all the blanket in one rollover move action, while he has kicked me in the knee or ankle, very sensitive pain zones for me.
    My friend told me she had a king sized bed to herself before she got married. After she got married she had the terrible realization that she would have to share the king sized bed... she was so used to hogging the entire bed for herself.
    Lucy & Ricky had twin beds too!

    After a while the thrill does seem to fade.
    He's super gassy
    She tosses & turns all night

    That "All night long" tune/meaning changes with time, Eh?
    Thanks for the laughs!

  14. Chachi thinks that I require less space because I'm short. Add a 50# Catahoula into the mix and I have even LESS room.

    On the bright side, I'm getting some great abs from straining to stay ON the bed.

  15. Not even going to go with the classic 'one of you sleeps on the couch?' You're so postmodern.

  16. Yep. Yet another reason why I'm single.

  17. The Old Lady and I or is it me and The Old Lady currently are sleeping in separate beds. Can no longer hear each other snore as the beds are over 1100 miles apart. What I'd like to know is why two queen size beds can be so different?? On one there is no problem, on the other I'm on the edge of the bed with no room to turn around. While writing this I think I figured it out. It's got to do with climate, where there's a problem is a cooler climate and it may come down to the attraction of body heat!! Where there isn't a problem, if we were too close together we'd be stuck together with sweat!!

  18. I am SO with you re the bed. We have a full sized bed and while we aren't, either of us, large sized people...we are WAY too cozy for my taste. We even have a huge old house with not one but TWO guest rooms and both have their own bathrooms! Plus..a pull out sofa in the basement rec room. (Actually I may get rid of this because I have full recall of what I used to do on the pull out sofa in the basement with my bf in hs and Liv is nearing her teen yrs...)

    My problem is Bing. She claims that she loves the whole sheband of sleeping and waking together. Personally, I'm with you. It is overrated and we can do all that foreplay shit in one bed and then physically SLEEP in our own beds....

  19. i completely agree after as long married as we've been...just tell me how you convinced him because mine seems to think we may dry up and blow away if ever we were to commit such a sin as to ponder the SEPARATION of sleeping quarters. xoxo

  20. This post is great. When I was young, I couldn't understand why couples wanted separate beds or separate bedrooms. Because I wanted to be enmeshed with my lover! Spoons forever!

    After marriage, I understand why all too well. Now I love love LOVE having the bed all to myself.

  21. Screwed a chick once on a water bed, no, twice (again the next morning), it was sort of weird, that would send anyone to separate beds.

  22. If I hadn't been divorced ten years ago, he surely would leave me now. Sleep, snore, thrash, wake. Repeat in fifteen-minute cycles.

    Even the dog has taken to sleeping downstairs.

    Thanks, as always, for making me laugh out loud at your reality and mine.

  23. YES! YES! YES!
    I second ALL that!

  24. Terry has started shoving a pillow lengthwise between us, but ON MY SIDE - so freaking annoying. Plus he pulls out the covers at the end of the bed - and hates my sleppless nights too. ;)

  25. I wonder if this inspired Hannah's poem on purchasing a mattress.

    Here's a prediction. If you sleep separately, you'll miss him.

  26. I've found good waterbed sleeping requires a mattress fuller than most do it and plenty of pillows. back when I was an indiscriminate fuck machine I had a king size raised 4' off the floor. "many good times," he said wistfully. right here let me insert (ha ha) my bi-monthly praise of your writing skills. impressed over here once again.

  27. I, too, am tired of mattress wars. We have a queen size and it grows smaller with every year. When the finances will allow it I want a king or my own bed!


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