Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Confessional

I'm feeling the need to unburden myself of guilt.

Hey, look! you shout at yourself. Something new!

Then you wonder why you're talking to yourself and you give yourself a pinch for sarcasm. Yeah, alright. This whole blog is about unburdening myself. Now you get your turn, as well.

Let's call this The Thursday Confessional, shall we? I'll go first.

(Thinks to herself that there's not much she hasn't already confessed here.)

Okay, how's this? I have been having impure thoughts about Daniel Radcliffe. I know, I'm old enough to be his mother, but there it is. He's so.......... It's not even that I'm mentally playing with his wand, but I'm so struck by his physical beauty, it just seems wrong. Now how am I going to go see the last Harry Potter film without dying of cougar shame?

I hid the bag of Ghiradelli Twilight Dark Chocolate and flat out lied to two family members that it must have already been eaten.

I shut the youngest cat in the laundry room so she wouldn't escape while I was carrying the wash out to the line and forgot her for a couple of hours. I wasn't even that sorry when I opened the door later and she sauntered out all attitude flashing her tail like a fuzzy gray middle finger.

I owe a call to a friend so we can schedule a lunch date, but I keep avoiding it because I don't feel like making conversation or worrying that the $10 I spend on lunch could have been used more frugally. I truly suck at this friendship thing in person.

I'm skimming the book I'm reading instead of reading it properly. Part of me wants to savor every word, but the stronger part of me just wants to finish the book without skipping directly to the end. I'm dying to know what happens.

I cheated on my Sparkpeople food tracking thingy. I told it that I added only one teaspoon of sugar to my coffee when I know without a doubt that it was more like six teaspoons. I mean, the dang spoon stood straight up in the cup.

As I'm working on revisions to my novel, I keep asking myself if it wouldn't make a better screenplay. Maybe my writing is better suited to that. I can't create a fresh metaphor to save my life.

I'm craving cupcakes. With lots of frosting.

Okay, that's plenty from me. Now it's your turn.


  1. Oh, how I wish I had something glamorous to confess. You know, the pending release of a sex tape with me and Kim Kardashian, or that I helped Lindsay Lohan in her shoplifting escapades.

    Nope. Nothing more serious than run-of-the-mill laziness, general not-giving-a-damn, and a kind of giddy joy that I have no idea who Caylee What's-Her-Name is or what she did that is so awful. And everyone seems to think it's the crime of the century.

    So, here's my confession - I pay attention to stuff that actually matters. For this, I ask forgiveness.

    Oh, and I've had pizza for dinner every night this week.

  2. Oh god, you don't know how much I need to do this...I think I need to be anonymous though!

  3. Oh, how I wish I had the brass to confess the glamor here, but hell no.

    For the non-damnable sins, the usual: skillful ogling, pretending I can't hear, a litany of passive aggressions, taking the last frozen pseudo-meal that was promised to one of the lunatic offspring.

  4. Jan has us going back to Weight Watchers meetings starting tonight. Although she is far too kind and sweet to say so, I think she wants me to start going again because of the, ahhh, hip dysplasia.

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  6. I am sure that you know which confession bothers me. I just can't get over those teaspoon conversions, otherwise where's the chocolate?

  7. TMI, Ma Cougar, TMI.

    I, myself, have nothing salacious to confess since I came out June of last year as a bisexual.

  8. After creating the Earth, humans and cockroaches, I'm sorry I skimped on Mars, Venus and Mercury. And I didn't mean for Dodo birds and Flaming Bushes to go extinct.

  9. Can I feel guilty in advance for planning to abuse sick leave next week?

  10. My son has been running around lately butt naked threatening to pee on all of us. It hurts me to have to say this but these past few days the penis and I have not been friends.

  11. I lied about working today while I was reading Averil's latest hotty story. I'm not ready to confess what's going to come of that as soon as the kids are in bed.

  12. I bought two pairs of exactly the same shoes over a year ago so when the first pair wore out I could wear the second pair. Which I did - every day but the winter boots days. I tend to buy three pairs of shoes for every one pair I end up wearing. Why on earth did I buy the bright yellow high heeled Minnie Mouse sandals you might rightly ask? I've never been able to get my feet in them since the day I tried them on at Macy's.. except for the day I put them on and walked outside thus negating the return policy. Anyway, those shoes I told you about? The ones I liked so much I went back and bought a second pair? Well, I wore them, and wore them. When the first pair wore down to having a sole the thickness of a piece of newsprint I began wearing the second pair. Where am I going with this you may be wondering? Well, when the second pair wore down to the point that my feet were only a wafer thin distance from the pavement I noticed a pain on the sole of my left foot that wouldn't go away. When I looked I discovered (to my horror) I'd developed a corn. It looked just like the ones my mother used to get. I purchased a new pair of shoes and made obeisances to Dr. Scholls corn relief plasters. I feel better now and I'm glad I got that off my chest.

  13. Lisa, I will confess my deepest, darkest secret to you, only if you promise not to reveal it to anyone. Okay? Here goes...

    If Johnny Depp walked in my door right now, I would jump on him like a rabid cougar and ravish him!

  14. First rule of motherhood: Hide your cherished chocolate. And in my case? Hide cups of Dannon Coffee Yogurt behind the beer. My kids would never think to look back there.

    I'm very similar on the friendship front. Failing to schedule because the enchilada lunch plate costs 10x more than the leftovers in my fridge.

  15. i made another smores in the microwave before my husband had even finished tucking our kids into bed

    i drove over 20 minutes in rush hour traffic (not that louisville has any real rush hour traffic) to buy a book on creativity today at a bookstore i've already been to once this week (i didn't buy it the first time and have been wishing i did ever since)

    i let me kids play all afternoon in the basement instead of doing fun things outside because they said it was too hot and i wanted to play on my laptop

    my husband is in bed waiting for me and i'm still playing on my laptop

  16. Lisa,

    You are fantastically funny, and thank you for that. Just thank you.

    As for sharing, I have misplaced my funny observation gene, but hope to find it in the coming days. Until then, nothing to add, but please keep yours coming. You have no idea how much your reality is needed.

  17. mmmmmm cupcakes.
    I keep thinking of DR in that picture I saw of him naked staning next to a horse...Oh my lord...
    is it warm in here?
    always cheated on Weight Watchers, and taxes...whoops, maybe TMi.

  18. Okay, now tell us the juicy stuff.

  19. Confession #683:

    When I last saw my friend S. in person -- 4 years ago -- I told her I'd had it; I was tired of dealing with her abusive, alcoholic husband, tired of having the front row seat to watch how he has treated her like garbage for 25 years; tired of living through their rollercoaster marriage by trying to support her; tired of helping her "leave" him only to find them happy and renewed with romance; tired of him abusing ME for taking her when he shut her out.

    Now he has cancer. Stage 3. And I still have not called her to say I'm sorry to hear. To ask how she is. To see if I can help.

  20. Harry's cute and all, but Ron's all lanky and awkward and perfectly adorable. :-)

    I'm popping in via your post on Averil's blog and I am enjoying all your confessions!

  21. I love this! My confessions for today are: 1) I STILL haven't fully unpacked from my vacation a few weeks ago. 2) I did laundry on Saturday. The clean clothes are still sitting in the basket. 3) This morning, construction crews woke me up at 6am. I thought, "Who the hell wants to be woken up by a jackhammer??" Then I giggled like a 13-year-old for five minutes.

  22. Flashbacks of standing in line outside confessional trying to think of something bad that I did, but not too bad.

    Confession - I haven't read anything except for the paper and blogs in weeks.

    I'll go say a few Hail Marys now.

    P.S."she sauntered out all attitude flashing her tail like a fuzzy gray middle finger."

    Brilliant line amongst many.

  23. Cats always give the middle finger with their tails :). That's a pretty fresh metaphor to me...

  24. If I worry about the ending of a book (because I need things to end happily) I have no compunctions about reading the end to make sure all the characters I care about are still alive, OK, etc.

  25. I confess I lost interest in Harry Potter books/movies after the fourth one.

  26. I had half a cupcake that was 2/3 frosting the other day. I will need to send you they ship well? Hmmmm.

  27. I get the Daniel Radcliffe thing. Every time I see him, I feel the urge to run to Confession. I'm not even Catholic.

    I usually reserve my lust for the older guys, but I totally lust after Ryan Reynolds...and, for whatever reason, the guy that played "Kumar" in the H&C movies.

    I've been wondering if my screenplay would make a better book.

    I have books that may help you, if you can ignore my scribbles and highlights.

  28. I had to hit my command & the plus key to make the font on your blog big enough to read. Damn that light font color strains my eyes to the max.

    I have a conspiracy going on w the receptionist @ the Dentists office. We are double teaming my adult college age son....
    he tends to put off dental care & it's become a very expensive consequence. I remind him of notice of check up, then ask the receptionist to give him a call as well. We nag because we care!

    When web surfing I happened to see my other kid has racked up quite a few traffic moving violations. Cost him hundreds of bucks & they took his license while sorting out proof of insurance. Driving 85 mph w/o a seatbelt too. I found all the sordid details as posted by the police & court reports. Damn!
    I said nothing though...
    Let's just say you can't bullshit your own Mother.

    I have a very crisp & crunchy hanging basket of what was live flower plants. Not so much anymore.
    Clearly I neglected them. Definitely looked better alive. My bad.

  29. Sadly, I have nothing to confess. I've been packing and running errands in anticipation of my move, so I've been good. Too good. I move at the end of the month. I'll confess then.

    So, how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers have you racked up?

  30. I have the same problems with face to face friendships. I hate eating out too. First off, yes it costs too damn much and second, I am always thinking about how bad the food is on top of that. Is it organic, fresh and local? Oh, the guilt if it is not! :)

    Otherwise, my deep dark secrets remain my own.


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