Monday, July 25, 2011

Dreams of a simple life with autotune

Photo: Lisa Golden, Minty Fresh

File under First World Problems.

I want to write a specific blog post but I can't because the relevant photos are on MathMan's computer because the school computer I'm borrowing won't let me add any programs like Picassa and I can't get to his computer right now because he's busy watching Star Trek on Netflix while he goes through boxes of math stuff before school starts again.

All said in one breath.

P.S. I finished The Beginners. It was okay. The Raquel character was annoying as shit. She reminded me of someone I know in real life who yammers incessantly because silence so pains her. I don't  think I'd like to meet her demons, y'all.

P.S.2.0  I may abandon Dandelion Wine for a bit. I picked up Lives Like Loaded Guns - Emily Dickinson and her Family's Feuds at the library and I seem to be in a New England kind of mood.

P.S. Jr. Drinking rum makes me have weird dreams. (See mint above. Lyra, we're on the same page vis a vis mojitos.)

And also, I keep thinking I should say something about the goings on in the world - Norway and such, but the truth is I am so despairing of it all. I know, such a delicate flower, right? But seriously, what can I add to the conversation except some expletives? I am, like susan, speechless.

The madness sallies forth and people want to know just how big are Nancy Pelosi's tits? aka my blog stats. I mean, really? This cutting taxes and deregulation experiment is supposed to be working miracles on our economy and going on two years and I can't find a job? I remain unconvinced, but then I am not of the ilk who sends their over-programmed, privileged children to camp in Maine to learn about the simple life. On private, chartered jets. Fear not, intrepid That's Whyers! I do believe this economy is working for some people.

No, my kids are living the dream in the 'hood with water balloon fights, fishing in the creek, snow cones from the Kona Ice guy and pick up ballgames. And some sorry sucker pays $10,000 for a few weeks for their kids to "experience summer?" How is it that if I'm so fucking clever I'm here and they are on private, chartered jets?

Okay, maybe not so speechless, but you guys know where I stand on most issues. Why repeat myself yet again?

I begin the week darkly. I hate being like this. I wish I could say that I hate feeling like this, but it's being. Right now, I'm like this. It permeates every cell.

My favorite quote from a TV show yesterday?

"I wouldn't wrap a dead dog in your gratitude."  - Aurelio Zen, Zen on PBS

Before you go, I have an idea and and I want your thoughts. I've decided I need autotune for which to yell at my kids. Yes? No? What's autotune?

Imma gonna go hug some kitties now. (If your answer above was What's autotune?, watch the video.)


  1. There's a little sunshine here today so I'm sending some to you!

    I don't know about autotune for kids but it sure would come in handy during choir rehearsal :-)

  2. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I'm stuck at Minty Fresh but you brought him up. Minty Fresh from _Coyote Blue_ and _A Dirty Job_ both by Christopher Moore. I highly recommend that you get to know the man (Minty Fresh) ASAP. Especially given the mood you're in today. Mr. Fresh will take care of that post-haste. He might even have an autotune. Well at least he OUGHT to have an autotune. Maybe you can make one for him.

    He isn't in _The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove_ but Steve is in that one and Steve is just as good as Minty Fresh in his own special way. Also I highly recommend _Island of the Sequined Love Nun_ and _The Stupidest Angel_. Oh hell, just go to the library and find the Christopher Moore section. Get yourself some rip roaring snark and laugh until you're blue in the face. And THEN come back and tell me about Minty Fresh.

  3. When I read your blog I vacillate between wanting a drink and forsaking it forever. At heart, I'm just a teeterer.

    Sorry about your mood. Feeling dark really sucks.

  4. "Charlie Asher: I accidently shagged a monk last night.
    Minty Fresh: Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided."
    — Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job)

  5. Susan - Thank you for the sunshine. It's sketchy here. I can think of a million fun uses for autotune. I can totally see choir being one of them.

    Alcyone - Okay, now I HAVE to go find some Christopher Moore. Done and done. I just did a bunch of googling. Looks like fun!

    MSB - I know. I'm a Libra. There I go again balancing my influence. Good/bad. Drink/Teetotal. Mojita?

  6. If you are an iPhone-having sort, there is a free autotune app called Songify that has provided my entire family, grown-ups and kid alike, HOURS of entertainment.

    I imagine it would make yelling at your kids *that much more* entertaining, too.

    Mmmm, mojitos. If I were a drinking gal, which I very rarely am (mostly because I very rarely am someplace other than my own home when I am at a drinking-type hour, and my home does not come equipped with a bartender. Or a bar, for that matter), I would totally go for a mojito. Or three.


  7. Snow cones and mojitos? Mojito snow cones?? That sounds good.

  8. re: Autotune
    I've learned about another thing I hadn't been aware of previously and thanks to you now I know how so many untalented performers have managed to keep their unlikely careers hyped. I think you should go ahead and use it for berating your family when necessary. They may not change their behaviour but at least they may stop it long enough to laugh.

    During our local travels we've seen some amazing cliff-top mansions that overlook the Atlantic. Why is it I don't believe most of them belong to Canadians? We think the place we saw with 2 helicopter landing pads, patrolling robots, and biometrically enhanced guards may be a Blackwater retirement home. They're everywhere.

  9. I recommend auto-tuning some Dylan and just muttering some gibberish loudly, with their names sprinkled liberally throughout.

  10. It is impossible to think about current politics and not be in a foul mood. I watch the business news nine flippin' hours a day. Trust me. You are not being dark, you are being normal. Abnormal is googling Nancy Pelosi's body parts. Capische?

    In other news, I couldn't tell you the last time I had rum. I tend to stay away from the hard stuff as i drink the same speed regardless. Not good. But the idea of crushing up mint beyond any recognition...that just sounds fun, no?

    (I say this as I'm nursing my second glass of wine. Oh the tangled web...).

  11. Yea... so much shit hitting the fan these days... you almost have to tune it out to not let it drag you down. Feels like the boys in D.C. are playing roulette with our lives.

  12. My sisters-in-law are visiting CA (and us in CA) for the first time. We had our "nice" dinner of their trip last night at a restaurant we've never been to, and there was an obviously-uber-wealthy family of 11 sitting right in my eye view. I eyed them like a stalker the whole time, like seeing exotic animals through the bars at the zoo. I've never seen little kids dressed that well with groomed hair, and the 7-ish yr old boy had lobster -- which he basically just played with. It was weird as hell.

    Why oh why do you need to go to camp if you can get there on your own plane?

    As to liquor, I'm having my nightly wine or beer and refusing to feel bad about it.

  13. Patience, pal. The economy will soon work for us when we're domestically serving those campers' parental overlords.


And then you say....

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