Monday, August 8, 2011

Miles and miles in my barefeet

I know, I know. It looks like slacking. But what if I told you I'm about 100 pages away from completing the revisions on my novel? That I plan to have the work done by Wednesday. And when that's done, I'm sending it out to a couple of readers for feedback and then the search for an agent begins in earnest. And one of those fuckers amazing  people better like this damn book enough to take me on as a client or I'm going to start copping an attitude when people ask me what I do all day.

What do you mean, what have I been doing? I've been working damn hard, thank you. A novel doesn't write itself, you know. Just like a lawn doesn't mow itself, a resume doesn't submit itself, dinner doesn't prepare itself and laundry sure as hell doesn't put itself away.

Did you ever notice how closing the deal on laundry is the hardest part? You wash it, dry it, and fold it, but everyone else thinks it's a huge fucking inconvenience to jam it into a drawer or hang it the hell up.

Which reminds me - I'm very ready for everyone to get back to school so I can have some peace and quiet after high noon. Sophie and MathMan are back to it, but Nate and Chloe remain.

Meanwhile, my new parenting mantra has become "Don't be an asshole, y'all." Charming, right? It's got its good points. It's concise. It's solid advice. No one likes an asshole, no matter what they may say to the asshole's face. I came up with that mantra a couple of days ago when the kids were conducting a reenactment of a Session of Congress.

"Don't be an asshole, y'all," I shouted from where I sat chewing my thumbnail and trying to come up with another word for wormhole.

"Mom! Nathan is acting like a Tea Partier. He won't compromise!" I'm not sure which daughter that was. They sound so alike these days.

"Don't be an asshole, Nate!"

He started to boo me, but I shut the door with my foot (my desk is strategically placed) and opened my email. It was high time someone told my Congressman Phil Gingrey (R - Dipshitville) to not be an asshole.

And besides that little foray into some high-minded parenting, I've pretty much been pointy nose to the grindstone. I am so ready to finish this book and move on to the next glacial project that I'm willing to let a bit of life pass me by while I type, type, backspace, type.

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been here or at your place leaving comments. I hate being all focused and out of touch, but it's better than being an asshole. I think.

What's your mantra?


  1. Good luck with finishing your book Lisa. If I know you, it will be a hoot and well worth reading and the damn publishing world should sit up and take note. :)

  2. A whole darn book! I really do wish you the best of luck. I'm quite impressed (not that anyone would care about that). But I'm impressed with anyone who can write a complete grocery list.

  3. Thanks, Liberality! You're very kind.

    Thank you, Kim. This thing has been a work in progress for two years and I want to be done with it. I hear from the publishing world that tiring of a work is a good sign.

  4. You go, girl! This is the best news I've heard all day. Let me know if you need a Beta. I come recommended.

    And I love your mantra. I would use it on my 5 year old but I'd be concerned that he'd actually become more assholey. I can imagine him idolizing Dennis Leary and then I'd be in serious trouble.

  5. I mustered up the nerve to tell my supervisor....

    Yes but no.

    She had asked me if I understood the new compliancy metrics in which they judge & rank us by.

    Yes I understand the corporation wants us to take breaks & lunches on time.
    But at the same time, you just gave us special accounts which have a mandate to stay with it no matter how long it takes, and gave us other lengthy projects.

    It's a fine line to give feedback to your boss that you understand the rules but they make no sense.

    That's where I get myself into trouble....
    I tend to not be able to just smile & nod with the bullshit. I guess it was my way of saying "don't be assholes".

    So yea I hope your novel writing foray is wildly successful.

  6. I read this and it brought me so much joy. Wednesday. Freakin' Wednesday!!

    Okay, deep breaths, just know that I am so proud of you and what you have been able to accomplish. The final stretch then a rest before your new editor has you revise again.
    And how cool is that...

    Someone is going to get this, and they are going to eat it up.

    Now stop this nonsense and get to work before my head explodes.

  7. "Did you ever notice how closing the deal on laundry is the hardest part? You wash it, dry it, and fold it, but everyone else thinks it's a huge fucking inconvenience to jam it into a drawer or hang it the hell up. "


    Go Lisa! So excited for you.

  8. I think Blogger needs some "like" buttons attached to comments. Y'all are witty!

    For me closing the deal on laundry means getting it FOLDED from the dryer. And its just me at 1426 - you would be so ashamed.

    My mantra lately - "those voices aren't supposed to be audible... "

    Good luck on your deadline and with your congress critter - mine is from "hasntaclueville" - how did we end up in this state???

  9. Once again I'm being thankful I landed in John Lewis's district. Condolences on the Reptilian you're stuck with.

    As for the novel, remember that just about every successful author could wallpaper multiple rooms with rejection slips. Stephanie Meyers had Twilight kicked back to her at least 14 times. Persistence pays.

  10. My mantra is sadly "holy f*&^ing crap," which I say far too much...

    Omg we're bookies :))

  11. You probably already have enough readers, but if you need one more, I would love to read your draft. I like your writerly voice, so at least I could highlight the places where it comes through the best. My facebook has my email address listed.

    I love your parenting philosophy. I often tell the little ones "Stop acting like monkeys!" which is as close as I can conscience to your mantra these days.

  12. That does indeed sound like high-minded parenting. I am cracking up about your kids referencing the Tea Party in their arguments.

    Huge ton of luck with finishing your revisions and querying! i hope to finish my current round about a week from now, so I totally hear you!

  13. It's great to hear you're almost done with your novel. The fact it's bound to be entertaining as well as relevant makes me look forward to reading it sooner rather than later. Nice going. Being our own boss is the hardest one of all.

  14. Godspeed on the novel revisions. And I totally get what you're saying about closing the deal on the laundry. Sometimes I haven't put away the clean stuff when it's time to do another load. And I don't have enough clothes to screw around like that.

    Similarly, I'm kinda-sorta close to finishing my novel revisions (ha ha...maybe) yet I am allowing all SORTS of things to pop up in my way. Someone needs to force me to cram the thing on a hanger and shove it in the closet once and for all.

  15. Man, I haven't even kinda, sorta started mine. Kudos to you Lisa. I am just a full-of-admiration-she-rocks-why-can't-I-be-like-her fan! I can't wait to read it.

    My mantra was "I don't care whose fault it was....just figure out how to fix it." This applied to broken walls, bad grades, bloody noses, and misdemeanor arrests.

    I'm not saying I was a good parent.

  16. Lisa I am so impressed with your damn hard book writing work. I know how challenging it can be to live life and write at the same time. So let them do their own laundry and finish another chapter. When they balk, just give up with a loud "don't be an asshole y'all.

  17. OMG! Lisa, I am so excited for you. And, I am SO impressed that your only about 100 pages away from completing the revisions on your novel.


  18. Congratulations on reaching your goal!

    My mantra used to be "Bite Me". Commanding it (constantly and loudly) got me into trouble at work, so I revised it to "How about you bite me?" Suggesting it, rather than commanding it, helped.

    I have since shortened it to "How's about you..." and leaving it at that.

  19. I can't believe you would use a vulgarity in front of impressionable minds. Don't be shocked if they all grow up to be serial killers or work for Congress, but I repeat myself.

    Hurry up with the novel already. I'm tired of practicing my heckling routine for your whirlwind, cross-country book tour.

  20. I'm so stoked! I want to be the first in line to buy it!

    Will you sign it for me? Seriously.

    As for my mantra:

    Two more years. I can do anything for two...more...years.

    (except for laundry. laundry sucks!)


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