Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The neighbors complain about the noises above

You know you've become a bilious cynic when you catch yourself grumbling about the ubiquitous displays of public gratitude this time of year. That's when you say to your execrable self, sugar, it is time to take your pulse, smooth your creases, and pull the stinger from your tail.

It's not the gratitude so much that rankles as it is the ubiquitous nature of this world we live in. It's the metaphoric blowing of floofloobers, the social media banging of tartinkers. It's the tooting of whoohoovers, the slangs of slooslonkers.

Cause and effect. Take a note. Did you catch that diagnosis? What's the frequency, Kenneth?

The doctor tells me that although my cholesterol is a little high and he would like for me to take the one pill to make my happiness big and another pill to make me small, I am in rude health and have plenty more years ahead of me as long as I don't step in front of any overloaded sleighs pulled by tiny dogs with antlers tied clumsily to their heads. He also counseled me to stay home on Black Friday. 

"No worries," I sneered, the white paper crinkling under me. "I plan to sleep in, have some roast beast for a late lunch, watch my heart grow two, maybe three sizes that day."

He chucked a brochure at me and said something about gratitude having its own healing properties.

You don't have to be a doctor to know that.

I love all y'all.

Thank you for being here. I'm grateful for you.


  1. Have a Happy, Happy!

    And don't worry about Christmas until about December 24th.

    That's my surefire method!

  2. Y'know, every time I had to move from one hovel to another, I go into total Grinch mode. I fantasize about having the coordination and energy to whisk up every crumb--every rubber stain in the refrigerator--in, like, 20 minutes.

    Am I alone in my unabashed admiration for the Grinch? I mean, did he miss his calling, or what? He and his antler-festooned mutt managed to somehow clean out an entire village of homes in a few hours. What a dude! I want to hire him to clean my garage.

    That said, yup, I totally hear you on the Bah Humbug. Really, what I'm always most grateful for is time alone to do my shit without interruption. That, and Portland's food cart scene. Amen, and happy Thanksgiving!

  3. witty as usual Lisa h. 2 wishbones and a bah humbug back atchya girl. continue...

  4. It's not the gratitude so much that rankles as it is the ubiquitous nature of this world we live in. It's the metaphoric blowing of floofloobers, the social media banging of tartinkers. It's the tooting of whoohoovers, the slangs of slooslonkers

    Well said.

    Um....WTH is a "flooflober", a "tartinker" and a "slooslonker?:)"

  5. Want to know how crazy the world is? I heard that Black Friday is starting early this year. Stores are now opening at sundown on Thursday.

    Yes, I think it's wise to stay indoors. Less chance of getting infected.

    BTW, I love that second paragraph. All those "oo"s are fabulous. Don't think for a minute I didn't Google floofloobers.

    Happy Thanksgiving, dahling.

  6. What's the frequency, Kenneth?
    Did Rather ever figure that one out??

    Just the name "Black Friday" sounds ominous.

  7. Your. Theodore Geisel references were so perfect they made me smile and laugh and hate your wonderful writing all at once. I should be typing in green ink.

    Have a great Thanksgiving. All the Goldens.

  8. Happy thanksgiving to you and your family, Lisa.

    Most years I'm all about the bah humbug, but I'm turning over a new sprig of mistletoe. I am. I am. I am. Wash, rinse, repeat. This morning I'm jogging my way through the Turkey Trot, and then I'm going to decorate my house with everything-Christmas I can find and listen to Christmas music every single day! I'm leaving my inner cynic outside at the curb. For just this once. I'll let you know how it goes.

  9. I do hope you and your family have a good day Lisa. Best to you all.

  10. blessings to you and yours and thanks for the giggles....must bring up my dictionary now :)


  11. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who gets pissed by the incessant drippy, greasy, overly sugared thanks at this time of year.

    I'll even admit to wishing people a Happy T-Day while being annoyed.

    I get most irritated by the cart jumpers who jump into community service at this time of year because 'tis the Season. Uh, people hurt, are homeless and hungry YEAR ROUND. Asshats.

    Grr. I'm staying as far away from stores as possible over the next few days.

  12. Day 24: I'm grateful you called out the enforced gratitude making our newsfeeds boring.

    Happy happy to you! Hope y'all had a good day.

  13. It's a troublesome world. All the people who're in it, are troubled with troubles almost every minute. You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot, for the places and people you're lucky you're not!

    'Did I Ever Tell You' was always my favorite Dr. Seuss story. Reading it gave me that same kind of bizarre uplift you'll get from listening to the bluest of blues or experiencing the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. They allow us to remove ourselves from our own suffering for just a little while and sometimes that's all we need to do to be able to face the future with grace and strength. You do that so very well and I am very glad to know you.

    Happy Thanksgiving.

  14. The holidays are rough when times are hard.
    It's hard to go all tinseltown when it really feels more like *Pottersville* than Bedford Falls where George Bailey realizes he loves this drafty old house & life itself.

    Anyway hope you had time together & enjoyed the day, despite the glare & bang of floofloobers, tartinkers, whoohoovers, & slooslonkers

  15. I had an authentic grateful-like holiday (thanksgiving-like) thought as I drifted off to sleep sometime around 2:15 this morning (Le Carre, I've moved onto Le Carre, the Night Manager was fabulous if you like a good Spy story) and was grateful for my family for the first time in probably 24 years. It's not that I'm not grateful for my family, it's that I haven't been where I am now with all this shit stripped away so I'm finally down to the bare bones of what's left when the 'stuff' just isn't there anymore.

    I'm also not leaving the house today. Or turning on the TeeVee (oh wait, I don't have one, bwahahahahah). I just don't want to see or even hear about it.

    Sweetness, I love you and I'm unbearably grateful you're out there.

  16. oh lord, and there was this one other thing that happened. Two, I guess in juxtapostion. I took a handful of crackberry pictures yesterday. There was one I REALLY loved in the living room. Numbah One Son (turned 25 recently) is slouched in a chair riffing on a half size guitar somebody picked up at a tag sale and then didn't want because he doesn't play - anyway, he's making this beautiful music come out of the corner of the living room and Elizbeth has pulled out her violin which she is new to this year and she's given up working the sheet music in front of her and is just moving the bow across the strings and suddenly playing Stand By Me and doesn't know it yet. All three of my kids have perfect pitch and incredible ears (NOT from me). E's dad is slouched in a rocking chair, Cletus is curled up on the couch reading and listening and I've just come back in the room and I hear two differnt 'songs' but it's the same music. This would NOT have occured if we hadn't been stripped down to where we are today.

    So that's one picture. As she's on the way out the door with her dad I take a picture of Elizabeth for the collection because I don't have one of her alone and later when I look at it I realize she's wearing a Northface winter coat from different days and I feel sick. Not because of what we don't have anymore but because it no longer belongs and I'm remembering the way it used to be and how much of each other we lost.

    A little while ago when I realized Nomans had gone and gotten his heart horribly broken and he'd come crawling in my general direction looking for some sort of affirmation that he was still loved I told him that while I did love him because it just is what it is, that he could never come home again. Nomans, Northface, economy, you see where I'm going here? I didn't leave the photo out of the collection because it is what it is and that's still E under that coat.

  17. About that pill that makes you small...

  18. The bah humbug may be early this year, but I truly am grateful that you are part of my world. I wish there was more I could do/be to help.

  19. Awww... Happy belated Thanksgiving, Lisa. And I don't advise Shopping on Black Friday - ever!

  20. It could be, perhaps, that your shoes are too tight. Or it could be that your head isn't screwed on just right.

    Either way, I hope your holidays grow jollier. Love you, my friend.

  21. I'm late to the party, but we are grateful to you too! You are way cuddlier than a cactus. :)

    So....are those big mugs on the table full of wine?? Inquiring minds wants to know.

  22. You are so funny! I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. We did, but last week was like a total blur. It all goes by so fast.

  23. Roast beef the day after Turkey day sounds like a good thing to have.

    And nice lyric title from a James song.


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