Thursday, November 3, 2011

Put on some Coltrane, Derail your own train

I told Mark Twain to shut up. Actually, I told him to shut the hell up because he refuses to stop following me around insisting the report of his death is an exaggeration.

Try looking in a mirror, Sam.

I've received some emails wondering where I've been. That's where Twain comes in. He's the goofball who said “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

That's more or less why I've been keeping quiet. I lost my footing and couldn't write without feeling self conscious. I thought, why not just stay quiet for a while? What's the harm in that?

My mistake was not telling you guys before I decided to be quiet. Sorry about that. I hate to be a cause for concern.

To catch you up and to resolve some old cliffhangers, here's what I've been doing while I haven't been online.

For starters, I never made it to Occupy Atlanta before the mayor closed it down (note: the protests are still happening). I have indeed settled for Occupy the Master Bedroom and I'm having some serious impact on things. You saw that Bank of America is getting rid of their absurd $5 ATM fee, right? You're welcome.

The downside is that MathMan is becoming increasingly unhappy with my encampment. Sounding more like a big city mayor than a calculus teacher, he insists I move out of my corner so that it can be vacuumed and fumigated. His demands also include that I put the comforter back on the bed. I caught him trying to dismantle my makeshift tent over the weekend, but when I called for reinforcements from the Pussies for Peace, he backed off. Fascist.

Good news! The fleacapades are over. I credit my increased attachment to the vacuum cleaner, the flea meds and the cold weather. Hey, here's something creepy a little too late for Halloween. I emptied the bagless vacuum canister into a trash bag, closed it tightly and deposited it in the garage. Some time later, I was in the garage and I heard faint sounds like bubble wrap or something. I nudged the bag with my toe and the sound grew louder. Those fleas for bouncing around in the garbage bag!

Of course I couldn't resist nudging it with my toe every time I went to the garage.

A different kind of change - I've actually been hanging out with a friend. Listen, y'all there's no need to point out that he might be imaginary.

And finally, in case I needed another useless epiphany there's this: The cats, as it turns out, aren't actually felines at all. They're honey badgers.

What's new with you, people of the internets?


  1. Put on some Coltrane, Derail your own train


    ♪♫ Rock You Like A Herman Cain ♪♫♪♫

  2. Thanks for the laugh. Whenever you feel down, go kick some fleas.

    And the menopause...yeah. Don't know if you're really there or not, but it sucks the memory right out of your brain--kind of like being pregnant does. It's frustrating and ... I forgot what I was going to say about that.

  3. honey badgers. I consider this a very useful thing. you will NEVER have a snake problem, now will you? It's a shame the honey badger don't care about fleas enough to do much about fleas.

    Mathman is being entirely unreasonable. I am using the extended power outage as an excuse to occupy a three foot radius in front of the wood burning stove with a blanket over my head and after a certain hour (7:30 PM) I am allowed to tell EVERYONE to shut the hell up.

  4. I think you should escape from your encampment, kick the fleas in the patootie bag, and come over for awhile. I have wine. You and I could easily solve the earth's problems with a vino/convo combo of indeterminate time span.

    Plus, I have great music in the can. Well, not THAT can. Then, when you're ready, you can go home, feeling all Texified (we make all kinds of fun of Gov'nor Good Hair here) and renewed for MathMan's affections.

    Plus, Occupy Austin is still going strong, and there's a place for us down there on the sidewalk--pass it every day.

    Plus, we can hot-foot it out to the lake where there MUST be some honey badgers to get us jazzed about being WOMEN who eat snakes for a late night snack cuz we don't give a shit.

    Plus, you need a break. I'll have my new place in February. Plan on it, chica!


  5. fleas navidad... and Coltrane, too

  6. #OccupyThat'sWhy

    I told you, I'm coming to steal your canned soup.

  7. Oh good. I was wondering where you were. I'm glad you were't sick or injured.

    I've also been enduring Occupy My Bedroom And Occupy Status Updates on Facebook.

    But, in GOOD news, since you asked… I have been hunkering down and working on my novel. So, that's like a small miracle.

  8. I know you're wonderful and I LOVE reading your work. I'm so glad you're back :)

  9. The Occupiers are in terrible need of folk singers and photo op instructors ... can you help?

  10. Absolutely nothing. I'm thinking I could use a new imaginary friend as well.

  11. Are you imagining hanging out with Mark Twain? He probably tells great bedtime stories, but the bourbon bill is astronomical!

  12. Herman Melville had some interesting things to say about people too. For example: 'Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed.'


  13. Way to kick flea ass, my friend. Really after that, nowhere to go but up.

  14. i go through these phases where i feel as if i've worn myself completely thin. "shut-up already" i think to myself, like my blog is really just me emotionally vomiting all over the internets (and its people). especially these past few months. (good god--i can be so fucking depressing. ugh.)

    just so you know, i never feel that way about your writing (which makes me think--hope--that i shouldn't feel it about my own).

    i'd write more, but i have to go make myself a Rock you like a Herman Cain t-shirt.

  15. You guys are the best commenters. I have to remember that this is why I write here. I can wind them up and you knock them out of the park.

  16. I'm happy to report the local Occupy movement has been successful in working w the local powers that be- police, city, university as they are about to change to their 4th location w the official blessing.
    No one wants riot police & head bashing & all these different entities came together & worked something out. Also particularly happy because my kid has been an intermittent occupier, so peaceful assembly is especially welcomed. They will wind up in a park under a freeway bridge (developed w real flushing restrooms, running water & the structure will provide some shelter from Western Oregon winter rains.
    Besides the jail is maxxed & the courts can ill afford having to process hundreds of arrests.
    Some city councilors opposed allowing the right to assemble, I hope they get their asses kicked to the curb in the next election.
    The cool/progressive Mayor lists herself as an occupy member on facebook.

  17. actually works on it. went to occupy L.A.'s a tent city entirely surrounding City Hall - wonderful! witty post. continue...


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