Sunday, December 4, 2011

Roll me in designer sheets


Good news, for me, at least. I'm out of my stupor! The exclamation point is there for extra convincing in case you need it.

I came to in time to take a robocall from Newt Gingrich yesterday.

I was just out of the shower when Chloe hammered on the door and rushed in without waiting for my response. Thank goodness I'd reached the panties and bra stage of redressing, but poor Chloe. She got a horrifying glimpse of what her future could hold.

"Newt's calling!" She held out the phone like it might have cooties.

I gave her a puzzled look and put the phone to my ear.

With all the charm of a long-term untreated urinary tract infection, Newt began his appeal by telling the lucky recipient of the recorded call  how he would dismantle the European-style socialism rammed down America's throat by Obama.

"But I like European-style socialism and how about calling him President Obama, you tool," I said, forgetting that I wasn't talking to the real thing.

He went on to say how intelligent and effective he was, how he'd led and innovated and saved the planet from Communism, welfare queens not of the corporate variety, Bill Clinton's schlong and the Morlocks. He didn't mention Greek cruises, Tiffany's, his lucrative lobbying businesses, or his disgraced departure from the House of Representatives. I wish I had recorded it. It would have provided a cheery background for the holidays. Hell, I could have set it to autotune and created the next dance craze.

Near the end of the call, my new friend Newt urged me to stay on the line to speak to his representative. My mind shifted into high gear for the first time in days and all the condescending and dreadful things he's recently said that I worried hadn't enraged me sufficiently rallied front and center.

"Oh my god, the things I want to say to this guy," I stage-whispered to Chloe.

Sensing impending calamity, or at the very least, an ugly scene where I'm left foaming at the mouth and screaming expletives into the receiver, she held her hand out for the phone. Time to let her have a say. She's been listening to me yammer on about politics all these years.

The representative came on the line. Chloe smiled. "Hi, hello.," she was all sweet tea and apple pie. "Yes, thank you. But we're actually anarchists so you should probably call another family." She paused. Nothing. And then click.

"Anarchists?" I said. "I would have said registered Democrats. Or European-style socialists."

She shrugged. "As far as Newt is concerned, it's all the same."

29 comments:

  1. Social democrats, Euro socialists ... anarchists?? Most definitely you'll be visited by stealth black helicopters filled with zealot ninjas, seals, tuna, bats, condors, cowboys, boomerang tossers, and other Pentagon shock troops.

    However, I must question you ... how in the heck did Newt the Salamander get your phone number?

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  2. Funny post there Golden! I echo Bill's question, how did you end up on that list? Is the same group of trolls that added me to the Viagra and Russian prostitutes spam lists?

    I think a Newt Xmas tape would be awesome. You could dub the "silent night" song over it like Simon and Garfunkel did back in the day...

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  3. haha...you are awesome...lol...a long term urinary tract infection...nice...if we never see another post by you, we will know what not to say when they call...

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  4. I'm glad to know you're feeling better and certainly well enough to have dealt with the real Newt rather than the robot one.

    Chloe has benefited from your fine example and will soon be a left wing force to be reckoned with in the world.

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  5. My ex was once put on a list of Republican supporters because he was told--in no uncertain terms--that he needed to make a contribution to a particular candidate. If it were me, I probably would have quit my job, but thankfully he was a more forward-thinker than I am. (And his continuing career was lucrative.)

    Sadly, his former address and phone number (which are still mine) remain on all Republican databases. I keep begging them: Don't call, don't write! But I can't get away from it.

    If Newt calls, I'm moving.

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  6. Ah, yes. You have taught the little one well. I can't even believe this crop of GOP candidates. It's slimy even for them. Why is it that what's good for comedy is always bad for the country?

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  7. Awesome job by Chloe.

    The only way to top it would be to hold the phone up to the speakers (turned to 11, of course) while this was playing.
    ~

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  8. "teach your children well..."
    fine job dear Lisa...fine job. Love the comments today!

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  9. What Jojo said! Haha, brilliant.

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  10. Bill - I'm braced for the worst, but hanging on to the notion that if they haven't nabbed me by now, they're not interested

    suzy - Thanks! It will be a lasting regret that I didn't get the recording of the call.

    Brian - Thanks! You make a good point. I could be the canary in the coal mine.

    susan - Thanks. Also, I shared your Zappa quote with Chloe. She says thanks!

    Sherry - That's no fun getting those calls unless you like messing with people. If Newt calls, refer him to Chloe.

    Jayne - You ask a great question. Oh, for some good governance. I'd be willing to trade some laughs for it.

    Thunder - Thanks. And excellent choice of songs!Where were you when we needed you?

    jojo - I agree! Great comments here.

    Dale - Aww shucks! And no spills!

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  11. but poor Chloe. She got a horrifying glimpse of what her future could hold..

    War is hell on the home front too. And backside.:)

    She shrugged. "As far as Newt is concerned, it's all the same."

    Me thinks Ms. Chloe is wise beyond her years! Now why do we think she rushed in on Mom in the shower in such a manner? Could it be an inpromptu "Gotcha"?

    Nah. Not sweet tea Chloe:)

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  12. Lisa, Oh I needed this tonight. Thanks, dear--for saying what we all want/need to say--if ONLY it wasn't a recording!

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  13. That is awesome. I wonder if it also works on the door to door Johovah Witnesses....

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  14. I once saved a recorded message from President Clinton for months. I pretended he had called just to chat me up. Newt? I wouldn't have had the stomach to even listen past the intro. "...long term untreated urinary tract infection." Perfect.

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  15. Teach you children well . . .

    Go, Chloe!

    As a bonus, you should have snapped a quick picture of yourself as you were, texted it to the number on caller-ID, then contacted the press after they didn't send it back because Newt had added it to his collection marked "Future Possibles".

    If I ever get a robo-call from a Republican, I'm going with Satan-worshiping libertarian, unless it's Ron Paul, who would wonder why he hadn't seen me at any meetings.

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  16. Good to hear you're feeling better. Sounds like you're raising her right. (And I'm gonna have that song in my head all day)

    xoxoxo

    Miss seeing you around ;)

    k

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  17. Lucky. I never get calls from robots nor salamanders.

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  18. You have done your job.
    (thanks for the morning smile!!)
    Barbara

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  19. Those apples are not falling far from your tree!

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  20. Your Chloe is smart. It is all the same to old Newt. Can you even believe he's the front-runner now? What low expectations we all have....

    I hate when people say Obama. That's Mr. President to you, pal. Though admittedly I called Bushy, Bush, the entire 8 years (seems like longer!) he was in office. That is, I called him Bush when I wasn't calling him other names.

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  21. Chloe is brilliant. I'd like to hire her to talk to telemarketers and collectors that call my house.

    I can't afford a lot, though. Reckon she'd be okay with payment in baked goods?

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  22. Good for Chloe! And congrats on getting out of the funk!

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  23. Gah, Newt! If calling the Golden house for support is a sign of his campaign's efficiency, I'd say we're good for four more blue years in the White House.

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  24. Is that how they do it over there? We just had twenty years of Berlusconi promising more tits and arse on prime time tv, and assuring us the magistrates were commies out to dethrone him! Now look at the mess Italy is in!

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  25. What a bright young woman. :) GAH is right.

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  26. Chloe sounds so fabulous. Though she could have told the phone rep that she missed part of Newt's message, so could they please replay it? That's when you get the recorder ready to go.

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