Monday, February 13, 2012

Thought she was James Dean for a day

Lipstick. Some things never change.
When last we met, I'd solicited suggestions for blog subjects. Many of you offered ideas for which I am grateful, but clearly not grateful enough to blog over the weekend. The truth is that I was otherwise engaged taking Sophie and her friends to see one of their teachers participate in the Polar Plunge which raised money for our local Advocates for Children. We had a great time despite freezing off our gnocchis.

We went for lunch then got our blood flowing by running relay races through the aisles of a (thankfully) nearly deserted Staples. They finally shooed us out of there when one of the girls tried to fit herself into a filing cabinet drawer. It's a shame, really, I think she would have fit.

I spent the rest of the weekend thawing out, writing apologies and getting on Mathman's nerves.

But now I'm here and you're here and I have a topic suggested by my friend Bill whom you really must visit at his eclectic blog. Bill is one of those multi-talented people you want to hate because they do everything well, but you can't because they're so danged nice. He writes, builds furniture, paints, is into photography, long walks on the beach.... no wait - he's happily married. I don't need to write his profile.

Thank you, Bill, for the idea. A 500 word essay on If I Were a Guy.

I've often said that one of the things I like about having Nate as my son is that he gives me a glimpse of what I would be like as a male. The two of us are alike and in other ways which may or may not overlap, Nathan reminds me of my brother. So much so that sometimes I do that Mom thing where I accidentally call Nathan by my brother's name.

How would I be as a male? I'd probably be less cautious than I am as a female because society tells boys that risk is good. I'd be more outspoken (believe it), more eager to push to the front of the line, more ready to deal with confrontation, more confident in my athletic abilities, more competitive, less concerned with what people think of me.

Not all of that is true, of course, because boys suffer their own forms of doubt, fear, rejection, social anxieties, pecking order confusion, and angst. But it's nice to think that some part of our species escapes the torture of not knowing who they are, why they're here and never being satisfied with where they are. Perhaps I'd be better at hiding it.

If I were a guy, I'd learn to dance. Play guitar. I'd write the songs that make the young girls sing and take off their dresses. I'd hold open doors, be gentle with animals, read  Norman Mailer and Jane Austen. I'd learn to cook and clean, but manipulate my way out of having to do either. I'd build up my female friends because they have a harder time of it in this male-dominated world no matter how many barriers they bust down.

I'd write my name in the snow.

If I were a guy, I'd go outside to wait for the woman who let her dog shit on our lawn just now. She'll walk by again and I'd ask her to pick up that fucking dog shit. Except I wouldn't say fucking because I'm not that kind of a guy. I'd hand her a plastic bag so she'd have no excuse for not cleaning up her Bassett Hound's load.

If I were a guy, I'd pick up the tab and remember important dates and do all the things women are supposed to do, but I don't so can I assume I would if I were the opposite of me?

I wouldn't grunt when I lift weights, wouldn't cat call or wolf whistle or bellow like a moose when playing XBox. I'd keep my fingernails clean, but never have a manicure. I'd never wear a Speedo or any other kind of banana hammock. I'd have pubes like a 1970s porn star, but no facial hair. I'd have my back hair removed. I'd wear boxers, but never let them show over my pants. I'd always have one suit and a pair of dress shoes that fit me. Just in case.

But first, and this is important to note because I've done some serious research on this issue, you'd have to wait for me to leave the room where I'd be standing in front of a mirror staring at my schlong just because it's there.

What would you do if you were the opposite sex?

P.S. Another blog post here.


  1. The picture is . . . disquieting.

    Banana hammock. That's awesome.

    You'd make a far better guy than most guys I know, including myself. And don't forget one reason you'd have that dog lady pick up the shit in your yard would be the porn-movie scene you have lurking in the back of your head. From cleaning up poop to schtupping on the settee really isn't that long a walk.

  2. smiles...within your description of the guy you would be i think we find things us guys can work on....smiles....

  3. If I was as good looking as my Dad or either of my grandfathers, I'd be dating high up, dude.

    I'd probably be in IT instead of library science.

    And I'd also be writing my name in the snow every chance I got. Its really the only thing I envy men---peeing versatility.

  4. I found writing my name in the snow easier than learning to play the guitar.

  5. Dude, that's awesome.

    (and thank you!)

  6. You mean I have to do stuff? I'll just stay a lazy dude, thanks.

  7. If I were a guy, I'd wear a tool belt and have one of those fancy HGTV shows so I could demo people's kitchens. And look good doing it through the magic of television!

  8. Well I'd chase you, that's for sure, 'cause you'se funny and we guys like funny chicks.

    Especially funny chicks in lipstick.


  9. I absolutely LOVE this blog post. You would make an amazing man, Lisa! I cracked up when I read "I'd write my name in the snow" HA!! I would too!

  10. You'd also make an excellent Drag Queen. I'm just sayin'.

    If I was a guy, I'd be just like my dad. Well, mostly. I'd want to be a little taller - and I don't want to look like Mr. Rogers. I'm pretty good with the rest of it, though.

  11. To paraphrase Mae West: 'When choosing between two evils, you seem to like the one you've never tried before.'

  12. I'd be gay, have exquisite taste in everything, and a lover built like the proverbial brick shit house. My best friend would be Chelsea Handler. Oh, what fun we would have.

  13. If I were a guy I'd make more money and be more successful. I'd be more confident than I really should be entitled to be and I'd expect people to listen to me when I had something to say. If I were a guy I'd have to learn to act tough and possibly beat someone up to prove it. I've never hit anyone in my life, not even when they were hitting me first and for no good reason. I'd definitely have to learn how to be tough.

  14. I'd put the toilet seat down. (when I wasn't outside writing my name in the snow)

  15. "...freezing off our gnocchis." Ha! You can bet I'll be using that one.

    That's funny about the lady walking by and not picking up after her dog. Yesterday, as I was upstairs putting away laundry, I saw a woman and her dog, taking a dump. I was all ready to bang on the window if she didn't scoop it up, but she did, being the good dog owner that she was.

    If I were a man, I'd lay myself down at the feet of every woman who ever loved me and tell them thank you. For without them, I'd be nothing.

  16. That picture freaked me out. You two look so much alike.

    I read this and the onl thought running through my head was, "She's back!"

    You know, if I were a man...I don't think I'd be all that different. Maybe I wouldn't concern myself with my weight so much, but I probably would.
    Perhaps I'd be better served to think what would be different if I was a more of a woman...

  17. Oh how I love this post, these ponderings of "what if..." I'd love to think I'd be a completely different person if i were a man. Maybe less concerned about clothes not fitting, or all of the lotions and potions, more confident and ready for a fight (bring it on!).

    That said, I've got a bit of boy in me. When I was little, I'd much rather race bikes downhill and crash than play house or with dolls. These days I'd much rather have a few beers at a sporting event --- went to one just last night, in fact --- than shop or bake or sit in a circle making a quilt.

    Hmmmm. Maybe my problem is not being a girl, but thinking I can ride the fence.

  18. This has been one of the best sets of comments I've ever had on this blog. Thank you, all of you, for adding your imaginations to this.

  19. Oh my God, I'd totally write my name in the snow, first thing. Then I'd drink a bunch of water and go write some more. Then I'd go on a backcountry camping trip and appreciate the ease of peeing standing up, without even taking my pants off. Then I'd drink a bunch of beer and whiskey to see how my tolerance has changed. Then I'd get a buzz cut to see what my head shape looks like. Then I'd grow a beard. Then I'd never worry about what my toenails look like again. Then I'd take long walks on dark and sketchy streets without being paranoid. Then I'd do push ups and pull ups with my new upper arm strength. And then, sometime after flexing at the mirror, I'd surely start to miss being a woman.

    1. There's so much more freedom, isn't there, for guys? Laura, you made me realize there's a one really important aspect I missed. No bra! Goodbye, tortuous underwire....

  20. This is sooo creative and awesome. My favorite line: "I wouldn't say fucking because I'm not that kind of a guy."

    1. Thanks, Elisa! And thank you for retweeting the link.

  21. I already am the opposite gender.

  22. If I were not a dude...

    Easy. I'd wanna be you.



  23. Well, given Ten's comment, I would be like Ten, but eviler. Much much much more evil. Because I could.

  24. I, like Laura, would go hiking and to all those places I want to, alone. Ah, to have that freedom.

  25. How the hell did I miss this? I still wanna play.

    I would have a buzz cut. Many, many, many tattoos. I would totally let my jeans sag and my (striped) boxers show. I would open jars. And beer bottles. I would put everything on a high shelf and enjoy the thrill of not needing a step ladder. I would cruise around after dark, striking up conversations with whoever, wherever. I would take long walks wherever, whenever. I'd jerk off four times a day, and take to carrying a little bottle of lotion. And condoms, I'm going to need those. I would do push-ups. And pull-ups!

    And I'd write my name in the snow. Dean. That's me.


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