Thought she was James Dean for a day

Lipstick. Some things never change.

When last we met, I'd solicited suggestions for blog subjects. Many of you offered ideas for which I am grateful, but clearly not grateful enough to blog over the weekend. The truth is that I was otherwise engaged taking Sophie and her friends to see one of their teachers participate in the Polar Plunge which raised money for our local Advocates for Children. We had a great time despite freezing off our gnocchis.

We went for lunch then got our blood flowing by running relay races through the aisles of a (thankfully) nearly deserted Staples. They finally shooed us out of there when one of the girls tried to fit herself into a filing cabinet drawer. It's a shame, really, I think she would have fit.

I spent the rest of the weekend thawing out, writing apologies and getting on Mathman's nerves.

But now I'm here and you're here and I have a topic suggested by my friend Bill whom you really must visit at his eclectic blog. Bill is one of those multi-talented people you want to hate because they do everything well, but you can't because they're so danged nice. He writes, builds furniture, paints, is into photography, long walks on the beach.... no wait - he's happily married. I don't need to write his Match.com profile.

Thank you, Bill, for the idea. A 500 word essay on If I Were a Guy.

I've often said that one of the things I like about having Nate as my son is that he gives me a glimpse of what I would be like as a male. The two of us are alike and in other ways which may or may not overlap, Nathan reminds me of my brother. So much so that sometimes I do that Mom thing where I accidentally call Nathan by my brother's name.

How would I be as a male? I'd probably be less cautious than I am as a female because society tells boys that risk is good. I'd be more outspoken (believe it), more eager to push to the front of the line, more ready to deal with confrontation, more confident in my athletic abilities, more competitive, less concerned with what people think of me.

Not all of that is true, of course, because boys suffer their own forms of doubt, fear, rejection, social anxieties, pecking order confusion, and angst. But it's nice to think that some part of our species escapes the torture of not knowing who they are, why they're here and never being satisfied with where they are. Perhaps I'd be better at hiding it.

If I were a guy, I'd learn to dance. Play guitar. I'd write the songs that make the young girls sing and take off their dresses. I'd hold open doors, be gentle with animals, read  Norman Mailer and Jane Austen. I'd learn to cook and clean, but manipulate my way out of having to do either. I'd build up my female friends because they have a harder time of it in this male-dominated world no matter how many barriers they bust down.

I'd write my name in the snow.

If I were a guy, I'd go outside to wait for the woman who let her dog shit on our lawn just now. She'll walk by again and I'd ask her to pick up that fucking dog shit. Except I wouldn't say fucking because I'm not that kind of a guy. I'd hand her a plastic bag so she'd have no excuse for not cleaning up her Bassett Hound's load.

If I were a guy, I'd pick up the tab and remember important dates and do all the things women are supposed to do, but I don't so can I assume I would if I were the opposite of me?

I wouldn't grunt when I lift weights, wouldn't cat call or wolf whistle or bellow like a moose when playing XBox. I'd keep my fingernails clean, but never have a manicure. I'd never wear a Speedo or any other kind of banana hammock. I'd have pubes like a 1970s porn star, but no facial hair. I'd have my back hair removed. I'd wear boxers, but never let them show over my pants. I'd always have one suit and a pair of dress shoes that fit me. Just in case.

But first, and this is important to note because I've done some serious research on this issue, you'd have to wait for me to leave the room where I'd be standing in front of a mirror staring at my schlong just because it's there.

What would you do if you were the opposite sex?


P.S. Another blog post here.