This is how this week feels. I did stuff. I ate stuff. I said some stuff. Chloe is sick, Sophie is bored, the cats are flea'd, and MathMan and Nate are baseballed.
Summer, as determined by human activities and not the calendar, is here and it's the first one since 2009 in which I won't be home with the rest of the gang. It's going to be a little strange. Good strange, as long as they don't turn the house into something fit to be featured on Hoarders.
I've banned their idea for creating a backyard demolition derby track and the scheme for the 24/7 yard sale. They can call me all the names they like. I'm not budging on these issues.
Let's just say I'll be satisfied if they're generally awake before 2pm and we don't get a visit from the PoPo, the Health Department or the Department of Family Services.
Trending! Wives. Not because we're aces at putting our needs last, but because we're THE hot book title. The Soldier's Wife. The Sniper's Wife. The Fireman's Wife. The Diplomat's Wife. The Paris Wife. The Shoemaker's Wife. The Math Teacher's Wife. Well, okay, not yet. But it could happen.
Some bits that have been lying around in my drafts waiting for a chance to embarrass themselves. Quotes heard around the house...
"You have now reached Most Favored Child status. The other two can just suck it."
"I couldn't sleep. I was buried under sixty pounds of, um.......cat. Did you hear that, sick parent? C-A-T."
"I did too take a shower.....well, I mean, I was going to take a shower......it doesn't matter, I swam yesterday."
"I figured 'why dirty a bowl?' I can eat the sherbet from this container just as easily. And look how I can balance it here on my front porch."
"You have to be pretty bored to think that taking a shower should be considered 'something to do.'"
And a bonus vignette which is a fancy word for something......
"Oh my god, you keep delivering the best lines that I can't blog because the context would be either too weird, too obscure or too embarrassing to explain."
He tossed me a glance over his shoulder. "You're a writer. You'll figure it out."
What a wicked thing to say.
Nevertheless, he's right. Probably. But how can I set up the joke that ends with the punchline "Breast milk makes me gassy?"
Has summer started for you? What does that mean anyway?
It means summer reading at the library, our busiest time of year. It means I might go buy a bathing suit and try to get a tan. It means it gets too dang hot to go outside during the middle of the day--bummer! It means plenty of sunshine and kids playing. Have a nice summer Lisa! :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Lib. I'm going to the library today to sign up for the summer reading program. It's a great motivator for me. And I want that Kindle Fire they're giving away to one winner.
DeleteI hope you have a great summer, too. Enjoy the outdoors and don't forget sunscreen!
xoxox
Summer starts for us on Wednesday. We are pulling Nooze out of school 2 day early and heading to the Great, Chilly Northeast for a Wedding. This will mean Much Driving, Eating Junk Food and Playing Car Games...for TWENTY ONE HOURS STRAIGHT.
ReplyDeleteThis Summer will also mean Finding New Adventures and Travels (for Chachi and I). We will be returning to The South sans Nooze. SHE will be spending her summer with my Awesome Sister (and sometimes my Dad the Farmer), returning to us one week before she starts Middle School.
We ALL plan to make the most of it!
Oh my gosh, Renn. That all sounds wonderful. I see a great summer ahead for all of you. And then the stories you'll tell each other. Or not. ;-)
DeleteSummer starts for us the minute Slim hits the "submit" tab and turns in his last assignment, which was last Thursday. These days, summer means gardening in my pajamas and 4:30 cocktails on the lawn.
ReplyDeleteWhat was once blue skies, Barfy burgers, girls is now brutalist library ceilings, vending machine food, patrons.
ReplyDeleteBut how can I set up the joke that ends with the punchline "Breast milk makes me gassy?"
ReplyDeleteJust like you did---well done! :D
a bonus vignette
ReplyDeleteThat's something you have for breakfast along with coffee, right?
~
swimming surely negates the need for a shower you know...smiles....we still have a week before summer here...actually i am looking forward to it...
ReplyDeleteBrilliantly funny! :-D Thanks for some laughter on an otherwise meh kind of day.
ReplyDeleteYou know what Yoopers do in the summer? If it falls on a Saturday, we have a picnic.
ReplyDeleteI hope your children understand there can be painful consequences if they call you thirteen times an hour to tell you how much fun they're having this summer.
ReplyDeletethis year summer equals my "baby" graduating from college. Grad caps flying in the air!
ReplyDeleteWhen cutting back the overgrown jungle we refer to as "the yard", suddenly a bird started squawking up a storm.... sure enough... there was a nest w 3 little baby birds. They are Spotted Towhee's - amazing songbirds belting out detailed chirping songs. they are "ground nesters" making their nests in low shrubbery. Kind of cool.
I'd blog about my family's conversations, but I think the prevalence of the word "fart" would kind of blow the mystique of intellectualism I have. That and the complaining about cat barf that just seems to appear in the strangest places. I do know I could do several posts on Lisa's near-obsession with the presence of dog-hair on every surface of our house. Finally, how would I explain my ten-year-old's ability to declare, after something awful was touched her skin, "My hand feels violated!"?
ReplyDeleteSummer has started. Sort of. This one's up in the air because of the move. My son came home yesterday and looked around at all the bare walls and empty bookshelves, and I think I saw a little tear in his eye. He'll be staying behind in Vegas–along with almost everyone else–and it's going to be a wrench parting from all of them.
ReplyDeleteStill, it's part of my evil plan to slowly relocate my family a bit further north. One by one, my pretties.
Please write "The Math Teacher's Wife." ;) Summer means I can do this right here. Yea.
ReplyDeleteI think my whole summer came and went over the long weekend - all the kids were home and we jammed in so many activities and cocktails that ti took a week to recover.
ReplyDeleteThe lone teen home from college is finding other places to be most days and nights in order to avoid being pestered about getting a job. I am planning to rope her into cleaning the house and doing laundry to earn her keep...if she ever shows up.
My summer sounds a lot like your summer - I will do stuff. I will eat stuff. I say some stuff. And, I will also sleep until 2pm.
ReplyDeleteMy family will tell me that I'm a writer and that I should be blogging more often - as well as staying focused on my novel. And I'm sure I will be sick a lot too.
oh, and I will be driving my 16 year old son all over NJ.
PS: And I consider swimming equivalent to showering too.
ReplyDeleteSummer HAS started, and for me that almost always means hibernation. Something about the air conditioning of the library sucks me in. Thank goodness!!! Otherwise would I ever get anything done! (I wish I were kidding...)
ReplyDeleteGiven your description, I must live in perpetual summer.
ReplyDeleteThat dandelion photo is why I haven't been able to comment before now. My children love those little puffballs of joy. If the notion strikes them to get one, they gang up on us until I'm standing barefoot in a patch of thistle, holding tiny hands to keep them from the street while they find all of the dandelion seedheads in the yard. Summer means glaring at cars to make sure they don't hop the curb while the little ones forage, and smiling back into happy faces when they find just the flower they wanted.
ReplyDeleteIt means that because I live in a beach town where everyone and their nanny are sporting teeny weeny polkie dotted bikinis except me whose children keep pointing out with ironic affection that "my body shape is EXACTLY like that hippo from the Madagascar movies!" but it's cool...moms are supposed to be fluffy like body pillows right?!
ReplyDeleteMoms are definitely supposed to be comfy like pillows. Mine was. I am. I'm going by experience.
DeleteI mean really - whose kid appreciates her for her lack of jiggle, her firm thigh muscles, her flat belly?