Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I Interrupt This Freeze Pop to Inform You of the Following

I took the day off. Work be damned. The summer is winding down and I have an incredible need to grab hold of it and cling for dear life. I know that for some of you, summer has more or less just gotten started, but here in Georgia, most schools start back on August 6. Today is, in fact, MathMan's last day of official academic summer. As a department chair at his school, he has to go back even earlier. That, my friends, is why he makes the big bucks.

Sadly, the weather isn't cooperating so much today. Our dreams of eating melting Popsicles in the sun, sipping lemonade in the shade of our big magnolia tree and running through the sprinkler and playing gas station with the garden hose down our swimsuit bottoms were somewhat dashed.

We were driven indoors just now by what appears to be a coming thunder storm. MathMan and I were dining al fresco (that's eating on the deck for those of you who don't speak Polish) on fresh, summery kinds of foods when we began to hear the rumbles of thunder in the distance. MathMan turned and shook his fist in the general direction of the heavenly racket. "Damn you, Karen Minton!" he raved, cursing his favorite meteorologist. Now, don't misunderstand, he still lusts and heartily after her, but MathMan was terribly disappointed that she had made good on her threat of scattered showers and thunderstorms across Georgia.

"Couldn't they have scattered somewhere else?" I moaned.

And now that big tease Mother Nature has conjured a big game of hide and seek with the sun an clouds. I guess that's what I get for calling in sick when I was really hungover.

Nevertheless, I'm thinking it's the perfect time to curl up somewhere and read one of the many books that are waiting for me to devour them while flicking the pages in that annoying way I do. But y'all know that's a fantasy right? Oh, I'll read. On the toilet. Maybe. That is - if I'm not too busy sending Facebook pokes from my cellphone. You take your mobile into the bathroom with you, too, don't you?

Now for those unfamiliar with Facebook, I realize this is going to seem like just so much more of that FB nonsense. That's quite all right. I can be fairly snarky and sanctimonious myself about the pop culture things I choose to opt out of, too. To each his own vices and what not.

But for those of you for whom Poking has become yet another way to communicate with your beloveds, then you must know that Poking comes with its own language. For example, my pokes signify different things to different people. The poke I give The Dancer is far different than the poke I might give to Latka, for example.

Allow me to demonstrate:

Let's say I poke Tanya Espanya. That pokes says "I got your poke and I'm poking you back, you hooker."

Sometimes I start the pokes. Those might mean "Hi! I'm thinking about you!" or "Hey! How are you?"

Pokes between myself and those with whom I am more intimate, have more complex meanings. Those are frightfully harder to discern and often require a bit of clairvoyance on the part of my pokee. As I keep telling them - context. Know the context, understand the poke.

To The Dancer, I might poke one of the following:
- I'm poking you back because you poked me and isn't that sweet?
- I love you. Do you really have to grow up and go away to college?
- You're my favorite. Just don't tell the crazy people.
- Go poke Daddy and leave me alone!
- Ow! Stop that! Don't make me cut off those funds!
- This poke is for all the times I should have punished you for that smart mouth.

Now for MathMan, the pokes are equally varied.
- Please come here. I need you and I'm too lazy to get up and find you in this house. Something is broken, a kid is getting on my last nerve, something itches and I can't reach it, blah, blah, blah...
- Did you just fart?
- MathMan is a nut! He has a rubber butt! And every time he turns around, it goes putt, putt.
- Make (fill in kid's name) go away. It's breathing my air!
- Oh no. I did THAT again.
- White or red?
-I love you, sugar.
- Oh! It. Is. On!

For others of you who might receive the occasional poke, please note that the poke might mean, but is not limited to the following:

- Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
- I poke you because I love you.
- There's a chance that you might have herpes. I had nothing to do with it.
- Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
- Wait, let me put my phone back between my legs before you do that again. I have it set to vibrate
-Thank you sir, may I please have another?
- Dance break!
- Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!

You get the idea. The poke is the thing. It means you're on my mind for good or for ill, I've seen you streaking across my mind's eye.

And some of you are even wearing clothes.


  1. Is that mathman looking at his camera or mis-spelling something on his cell phone?

    Personally---- I don't understand pokes. Or texting. I used to think the Internet was part of Charlotte's Web.

    And it is time for the MM to get back to school.

  2. We've had about 4 days of abnormally hot, humid days the rest being pretty normal, heat and humidity-wise. It would be nice to sit around getting all sticky on frozen sugar confections, but it just hasn't been that kind of summer.

    As for poking, well, let's just say that I interpret pokes in my own way. As for streaking across my mind, well, clothes are always optional.

  3. The weather here has been awesome. However, that means it is too cold for our two year old to get in the pool!

    By the way, though I have a Facebook account, I have never Poked anyone. Now maybe I shall give it a try.


    Eat Well. Live Well.

  4. Okay, that explains the ad with the "Poke!" on the local radio station. Still Will Not Join Facebook.

    Hello, my name is Darth Vader. I AM your father. Prepare to die.

  5. Great explanation of the pokes!

    Sorry to hear the weather didn't cooperate with your day off!

  6. I'm so unhip because I have no idea about pokes and poking. Does it have anything to do with the hokey pokey?

  7. Thank god you still know how to give good email. Thanks for the bookie link today. Me, I'm all about the twitter. I do not want any of the people I went to high school or college to ever find me. I'm in deep cover. But twitter? phfitt! They'll never find me unless they are a literary agent or a publisher or a really sexy older journalist like Andrew What's His Name at the LATimesblog. We had a thing going for a while, but it's kind of fizzled out for me. I've moved on. Want to dump someone on twitter? Stop following them and they disappear from sight like a puff of smoke. Ciao Bella, your skin looks luminous.

  8. Actually, calling in sick for a hangover is a legitimate excuse. Just ask my co-worker.

  9. In this wide brown land down under, an eternity ago when I was of high school age, we called having spotty, hurried, teenage copulation "having a poke", as in "Andrew poked Lucy at the party on Saturday night". Ironically, back in 1985, the reaction to that sort of information was usually a twitter...

  10. First of all, congrats on being hung over on a Tuesday. Second, at least as a spa consultant, hangovers won't be a detriment. They can be part of the demo. Plus most women who are into spa stuff would prolly appreciate a bit of booze while examining the products (great video to that effect, btw). Hangovers increase sales. Also, I totally had no idea that "Golden" is the Polish name for "hungover on a Tuesday" or whatever you said in that part. I sort of skipped down to the facebook thing and remember that part better.

  11. August 6? I complain because my kids go back on August 29. August 6 is far too early to start the school year.

  12. We start back to school on the 26th. That's right...a WEDNESDAY.

    I have never poked/been poked on the FB. I don't think I CAN be.

    I love your reasons/messages, though!

  13. Love it.. and love the reasons for the pokes.. they make perfect sense to

  14. I thought al fresco meant naked...hahaha silly me. :)

  15. Weather be damned. A day off work is a day off work. Hope you enjoyed it.

    And the storms are hovering around here...70% chance of thundering and storming tomorrow. And 88 degrees. Ok, it's finally summer in the city.

  16. You make me laugh! :)

    Also, you said, "I guess that's what I get for calling in sick when I was really hungover." I sure hope your boss doesn't read your blog!--or that he (she?) is cool enough not to care! :)

  17. Honestly, I don't know what the whole poke thing is.......but thanks for the lesson.
    eeek, Aug 6? I thought we were insane, most FL schools begin 8/24, but our county had good FCAT scores so we get to return 2 weeks early, 8/10, my girls are less than thrilled that their short 10 week summer is coming to a sudden halt. Nick's in Catholic school and returns the 17th, so it's almost done.......sadly. I have to face reality and look for a real job myself..........eeeeek!

  18. I like to torment my absolutely not-tech-savvy (as if I am) brother-in-law with pokes. He is onto me now, but at first they weirded him out. He'd call up and leave messages: "What the hell does it mean when someone pokes you? What's the point?"

    I feel for Mathman and the kiddos, but remember folks (and I'm not making this up) -- they were out of school ridiculously early too. Still and all, early August is way too early to be going back.

  19. I really don't have the time to be poking anybody's ass!

  20. All this technobabbles confuses me. Aren't there any luddites on the internets?

    Kids back in school on August 6? Might actually be worth the heat, that's 2-3 extra weeks of less adolescent dumbassery.

  21. Scandalous... if you had a cock you'd have the time to poke ass....

  22. August 6th? Jesus, things really haven't changed down there since the Civil War, huh?

    As for the pokes... Ang and I have been broiled in a 'poke war' since we first met, with brief armistice in between. It's almost a given that when I log into FB there's going to be a poke from Ang. So imagine my surprise when I saw I had TWO POKES.

  23. While your reasons for Poking are hilarious and certainly relevant, I cannot let myself get involved. Just reading FB and looking at people's pictures sucks my time...

    The fact that you guys are back to school next week hurts my heart; hope you can thoroughly enjoy these last days :D

  24. When I'm walking around the hospital corridors I have a tendency to see pompous people without their clothes on. Sometimes it happens when I don't intend to be occupying my mind that way.

  25. You haven't poked me. This makes me feel like I'm not really your friend. :(

  26. Oh...wait. I see a poke. But it is not a superpoke. I have now superpoked you. The ante has been upped.

  27. I thought Al Fresco was an Opera Singer!!


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