Written Doesn't Mean It Will Ever Be Seen

Today I write letters in true passive/aggressive style.  That means I won't mail them, but a couple of weeks from now, I'll be telling you how the losers addressed never responded.

Dear Schools,
No more plastic water bottles.  Why not sell reusable bottles with the school logo?  The kids buy them (or steal them) at the beginning of the school year, take them home to be washed by the magic washing elves and bring them back each day.  You provide access to clean water where the kids can fill up their bottles during lunch.  Easy, right?

Thank you,
Mrs. Sick of Schlepping to the Recycling Center

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Dear Trouser Manufacturers:
Please reinforce the back pockets where men typically carry their wallets.  Patching that spot is next to impossible for a piker with a needle and thread. 

Thank you,
Mrs. Sore Thumbs

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Dear Satellite TV Provider,
I'm sorry we couldn't pay our bill these last two months.  You know how it is - back to school, the car needed four new tires.  I just wanted to let you know we've gotten a good laugh over the Congratulations! You now have a Dish 500! message that flashes on the screen when you turn on the TV.  And that added touch of having the channel switch immediately to the one where the super cheerful people tell you the 526 ways you can pay your bill? Brilliant.

Question - how did you decide to take away all of our channels except Bravo and BBC America?  I mean, I don't really miss having 600 plus channels of wedding planning, little people, ghost hunters, Housewives (who are anything but), and Gordon Ramsay being a pompous twat, but seriously?  Now I have two "real" channels.  The first is brimming with Housewives promos and the other is still a whole lot of Gordon Ramsay being an overwrought dick.

Oh, and what mad logic is this?  I can't pay my bill so you give me 28 shopping channels?  I don't know if that's clever or cruel.  Either way, that's some wicked corporate humor.  Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.

Regards,
Mrs. Will You Take a Kid in Exchange for PBS access?

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Dear Family,
We are moving closer to MathMan and Nate's school.  If they're up at 5:00 a..m., I'm up at 5a.m.  I'm supposed to be a lazy good for nothing living off the system.  Being up and productive* at 5a.m. is bad for the bad reputation, you know.

With love,
Mom/Lisa

*Productive is indeed subjective

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 Dear Pussies for Peace,
Please get your time share plans sorted out.  Who's on the pile of towels in the bathroom, who's curled at the foot of Nate's bed, who's at the top of the stairs or on the faux marble in front of the fireplace, who's blocking the fridge.  All this hissing and swatting isn't in keeping with your general mission statement of world peace.

Gratefully,
The woman with the food and litter scoop

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 Dear United Healthcare:
Thank you for saying yes to the IUD removal.  Now if I remain fat and crazy it's my own fault.

Warmly,
Patient number (redacted)

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Dear Zachary's Creme Drops:
Why do you have to be so delicious?  (Please see letter to United Healthcare.)

Droolingly,
Madame Sweet Tooth

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Dear Lady in the White Car:
Please note I understand the need to inch up at the stop sign, but what you did today as I drove by almost made me pee my pants.
Annoyed,
The Bug-Eyed Woman in the Other White Car

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Dear Georgia Power:
Your website says the Massell Road branch opens at 8:30.  The sign on the door at Massell Road says 9. 
Please fix.  Thanks.
Signed,
A customer who can't get that half hour back and who forgot her just in case book

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Your turn - what letters would you like to write, but not maill?