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Monday, November 28, 2011

FAIL and FTF FTW

Over the holiday, the manuscript turned into a rewrite which was not all right because I wanted to be done, but then yesterday the answer about my main character appeared out of the steam as I ironed Nate's white button down.

Good thing I remembered to put the iron down. That's his only white oxford shirt. I gripped the side of the ironing board in something close to ecstasy. Gross, I know. But listen, you take your shots where you can get them. I'm just sorry Nate's shirt had to bear witness to the moaning and thrashing about.

Now I'm going to finish this fucker. I've got the bracelet and I'm wearing it. By wearing it, I am accountable to Amy, Teri (who came up with the bracelet idea), Sherry, Lyra, Averil, DebMacDougal Street BabyErika, Bobbi, Laura, Cat, Suzy, and the rest of the creative people who make up this ad hoc writers' group that found each other making smart remarks here.

And it's because of you guys, the reader of this blog, who've urged me on and provided all kinds of creative support.

And a special thanks to the beta readers. I handed you a fairly unfinished mess and you gave me the kind of feedback that has not only made the story more time and location authentic, but it also gave me some ideas for plot lines. And? You were all so incredibly kind about it. Not a one of you sent me back a pile of ashes or hate mail. I love you for that.

Now on to the reason I've called this meeting. It seems I've gained a new blogging niche. How I'm to parlay this into mega advertising dollars or finesse it onto my moldering resume is anyone's guess, but it's something to be able to say that my blog is huge in Canada, Europe and Asia among those seeking FAIL photos. Or fotos as one googler put it.

Click the image to see the gory details.
People from Luxembourg, Belgium, Ottawa, France, Switzerland, Romania, Quebec, Tunisia (Africa, represent!), The Czech Republic, Sweden, Slovenia, Holland, Italy, Denmark, Thailand, Slovakia, Turkey, Montreal, Poland, Germany, even Mexico, they're all searching for FAIL and finding me.

I'm not sure I like how that sounds. Let try again. They're landing on this post, but really they're looking for the photos on it. And they're particularly interested in the hairy guy.

I wonder if he knows how sought after he is. Then again, maybe this gets filed under blissful ignorance.

Tell me about your holiday. Good? Indifferent? Bad? Fistfights? Did you eat too much, drink too much, tell your Uncle Jeb to get stuffed? Pumpkin pie or pecan? What did you do with the sweet potatoes?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The neighbors complain about the noises above



You know you've become a bilious cynic when you catch yourself grumbling about the ubiquitous displays of public gratitude this time of year. That's when you say to your execrable self, sugar, it is time to take your pulse, smooth your creases, and pull the stinger from your tail.

It's not the gratitude so much that rankles as it is the ubiquitous nature of this world we live in. It's the metaphoric blowing of floofloobers, the social media banging of tartinkers. It's the tooting of whoohoovers, the slangs of slooslonkers.

Cause and effect. Take a note. Did you catch that diagnosis? What's the frequency, Kenneth?

The doctor tells me that although my cholesterol is a little high and he would like for me to take the one pill to make my happiness big and another pill to make me small, I am in rude health and have plenty more years ahead of me as long as I don't step in front of any overloaded sleighs pulled by tiny dogs with antlers tied clumsily to their heads. He also counseled me to stay home on Black Friday. 

"No worries," I sneered, the white paper crinkling under me. "I plan to sleep in, have some roast beast for a late lunch, watch my heart grow two, maybe three sizes that day."

He chucked a brochure at me and said something about gratitude having its own healing properties.

You don't have to be a doctor to know that.

I love all y'all.

Thank you for being here. I'm grateful for you.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Don't ask me how the foo dog got into the dream



I lay in bed willing the next new scene of the work in progress to present itself. Between sleep and awake, cozy under the blankets, glad it was Sunday and I could sleep in.

Instead I was rewarded with a dream. We lived in a highrise city apartment. I was in the lobby in a hoodie, sweatpants, no bra and having gone two days without a shower. It suddenly occurred to me that I was enrolled in some seminar that morning but I couldn't remember a single detail or whether or not I'd received a registration confirmation.

MathMan arrived in the lobby, Sophia in tow. He was putting her in a cab to go somewhere unexplained. Nathan and some of his friends sat at a concrete table on the sidewalk. I peered through the window of the building next to me and realized that was where the seminar was happening. I'd dash upstairs, have a quick shower and get back maybe ten minutes late. Not a lost cause.

I yanked open the glass door and bee-lined for the elevator bank. It was only after I stood for a moment in the immobile elevator that I realized I'd gone into the wrong building. I'd have to go back to the lobby and into my own building.

I punched a button and nothing happened. I pushed another. Still nothing. Fine. I hit the open door button. As the doors opened, the elevator lurched. First up, then down. The doors partially opened, I could see the innards of the working system.

The elevator expanded, growing to at least three times its initial size. It was a large, moving room. The doors continued to open and closed but now they looked like a mouth with a crazy grin, sharp teeth.

There were windows in the walls and up on one window ledge sat a large Foo dog with two legs instead of four. More like a garden gnome with a Foo dog head.

The elevator reached the first floor where the seminar was beginning. The attendees were seated on sofas all facing the speaker. In the audience were my childhood friend Tanya and Raj from The Big Bang Theory. Everyone turned and looked at me. I was acutely aware of my lack of hygiene and proper breastwear.

MathMan stood outside on the sidewalk talking to Nate and his friends. I opened the door and joined them.

"I thought you were going to the seminar," MathMan said.

"Not until I've had a shower," I replied.

"Okay." MathMan was looking at me funny.

"I'm going to take the stairs....."

I don't remember many of my dreams, especially not with this level of detail. Do you?


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It's time to smash things up

Now I've gone and done it. I've written my main character into a corner. While I try to get her out, I'm doing all the usual things to distract myself  to that I can clear enough noggin space where the solution will land neat and tidy all in one piece.

Ironing, grocery shopping, vacuuming, reading something not even remotely related, looking up British idioms, joylessly eating brownies, contemplating raking leaves, rejecting the idea of raking leaves, watching copious amounts of The Secrets of World War II and watching bits and pieces of my favorite movie.


.

Which is kind of like a busman's holiday, but some movies are like comfort food and this one is it for me. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen this film. So many times that even Sophie can and does quote lines from it. She absorbed them by osmosis, I swear.

And then there's the moment when I realize that Dish left us with The Cooking Channel and I watch hour after hour of people making vegetable dishes that appeal to me. And then I think I've go that one last Vidalia onion and those potatoes that really must be used before they turn and the left over chicken stock from yesterday so now we have Pommes de terres a la boulangere. Talk about comfort food.



What do you return to over and over again?

Friday, November 11, 2011

We've always got Gosford Park


I'm sure I underestimate the amount of time I spend with the television, especially when I'm half watching while I do other things. There's no denying it. As I go through my day, the TV provides background noise more often then not. Even if I'm only using it for the music channels and not actually watching programs.

When I become acutely aware the television is when it goes away.

Yesterday smack in the middle of Morning Joe, Dishnetwork diminished our service. If you've never experienced an outage due to the an unpaid bill, here's how it works, for Dish, at least:  First they call sixty times a day. Then they start putting a message on your screen every couple of hours reminding you that your bill is late. Next they decrease your number of channels until finally they cut you off altogether and you're stuck watching the instructions on how to use your remote, whatever's on your DVR and that mess of DVDs you've recorded. Thank goodness for all those old Poirots you recorded on A&E. And how historically quaint are those Countrywide Mortgage commercials with the guy who looked like John Kerry?

Then they send you a box and tell you to send your fucking receiver back stat or they're going to send Fred over to yank it out and he won't be putting down the floor mats to keep from tracking mud into your house either!

Not that we've ever gotten to that stage.

Anyway, now we're in the diminished state. When this happens, it's a surprise. You never know exactly when it will happen or which channels they'll leave you with. It's different every time.

This time, we've got the Science Channel, NASA channel, a handful of Christian channels, Current to balance those out, I suppose; ESPN RedZone Preview, Tasty channel so I can learn of all the things I can do with Country Crock, a Spanish movie channel, American Movie Classics, The Military Channel, every shopping channel you can think of, Japanese news and two - count 'em TWO! - holiday music channels. The modern and the traditional. In case you don't want to hear G Love without his Special Sauce, you can listen to Bing croon about A White Christmas.

Because, you know, there's no chance I won't be hating Christmas music by Thanksgiving. I've already heard enough Burl Ives to make me want to build a snowman so I can kick him in his frosty balls and enough Mel Torme to make me demand a martini with a candy cane swizzle stick. The cats are working on the recipe right now. At least, based on the clinking of glasses and hiccuping, I think that's what they're doing.

Not to mention the fact that I find the whip crack sound in the Boston Pops' version of Sleigh Ride oddly arousing.

And what is the idea of keeping the shopping channels? I can't pay my bill, do they really want me buying that set of faux pearl handled vibrators?

But back to the TV. Naturally, none of those channels are my favorite. Even the one movie channel they gave us isn't my favorite. I prefer Turner Movie classics. No commercials.

Do you go through TV phases? Like in the days when my time was spent with young children, I watched PBS from morning til night. I would sing the Celery Bunch and the I Like Fudge songs and close out the day with Nature or Frontline.

Then we were getting ready to move to Georgia and I entered the HGTV days which dovetailed nicely with The Food Network era.

That came after the period when I watched a lot of VH1, catching up with the I Love series. I had no idea my youth was so interesting! Then the kids and I got into watching The N for the Degrassi series and I fell in love with Daria and wanted to be Jane. That coincided with when A&E and The Biography Channel had the wisdom to show the Poirots, Midsomer Murders and Sherlock Holmes with Jeremy Brett on Sundays.

And then there was the complete and utter devotion to BBC America. Sigh.

Some of you will remember the C-SPAN mornings that dragged on all day. Election time, you know.

So for now I'm stuck with the whirring sounds in my own noggin, Christmas music or The Military Channel which I can at least pretend is research for my novel. Thankfully, there's a DVR full of murders committed by people with charming accents. The kids have Netflix. And MathMan has Calculus.

My mother appears at my shoulder like one of those Angel/Devil apparitions and suggests I read a damn book. Yes, but I can't do that and be on the computer......(looks at the stack of books waiting to be read)..... oh.

What's your favorite channel? What's on your DVR or Tivo that you never delete?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Fundamental Attribution Error

Source
The Fundamental Attribution Error. Sounds like a Big Bang Theory episode title, doesn't it?

It's actually a psychological term describing how we use internal factors to explain what happens to someone else while we apply external factors to explain the things that happen to us.

Ari Melber covers it in this video. (Here's hoping that the ad preceding the video won't be for a financial institution.)

 

This is a different world, a whole new ballgame. Let's rein in our assumptions. The last thing we need is to support policies based on judgments that aren't founded in reality and facts.

Take the unemployment thing. I didn't lose my job because I didn't do it well. I lost my job because the organization was tied to construction and we suffered serious revenue losses and my job was eliminated and outsourced. The guy sitting next to me at the Department of Labor the other day didn't lose his job because he didn't do it well. He lost it because the place where he worked doesn't have enough demand to keep four techs employed and he was the last one hired so......

If you lose your job, it's not going to be because you woke up one day and said "Fuck this steady paycheck shit. I want to struggle and live with financial insecurity. I'm going to stop doing my job well." If you lose your job, it's going to be because this economy is getting meaner and leaner and someone has figured out how to keep their business running without you. Should that unfortunate thing happen to you, may anyone you encounter understand that your lack of a job is not your fault. And if they can't then may they have the decency to keep their mouths shut. Or better yet - to help you find your next job.

As Melber says at the end of the video, it's time we call out this lack of compassion and understanding. We need to ask the people who still want to believe that large numbers of Americans don't want to work - would rather struggle to survive than get up each day and go to work - that question: Really? That's your argument?

I dick around with Fundamental Attribution Errors all day long. Sometimes they keep me warmer than the cats curled around my feet. Seriously, the sanctimony I can pull together when presented with something like an episode of 16 and Pregnant or those people with forty-two children. Mind you, I'm not advocating we limit the number of babies a woman can have or the age at which she can have them, but it still doesn't make it right when I indulge in that kind of judgmental thinking.

There's a lot of ignorance (that Put Me in Charge screed, for example) perpetrated on social media, but there's plenty of clever thought, too. One of my favorites is this:



The Fundamental Attribution Error says that if you're not wealthy, it's because you don't work hard enough, didn't choose the right career path, didn't plan well and aren't smart enough. If I'm not wealthy, it's because the government takes all my money in taxes and gives it to lazy, poor people.

What are your fundamental attribution errors?



Wednesday, November 9, 2011

New skill sets for the disappearing middle class

Last night some ex-urban, middle class kids got a lesson in how to dodge the repo man.

A daddy left a mama because he had to move to another state for a job because he couldn't find a job here. Things happen. Daddy's gone. Mama's stuck with the house and the bills. Mama and the kid are moving out in a few weeks, giving the house back to the bank because she's out of options. She's hanging on desperately to her car because she needs it to get to her job.

This is a middle/working class subdivision just like thousands of others. There's a carved wood sign trumpeting the name at the entrance. In better times, there were probably flowers planted by the sign. Now there are a few leggy shrubs. Reminders of the glory of the 1990s.

If the people who populate these homes were reaching too far, it's hard to see. I suppose they should have remained satisfied with their trailers, tiny tract houses and rentals while their wages were being suppressed and they were encouraged to vote against their own economic interests. Their mistake was believing the hype that this was the ownership society and they would be fools for not buying these houses. That was going to be their best investment. The American Dream was theirs if they just signed on the dotted line. That mortgage broker skulking out the door with his sly grin? Pay no attention. Just don't try to call him when your ARM loan balloons and you need a new loan in a crashing economy. He made his money up front. He's done with you.

I don't believe our neighbors were craven social climbers. They just wanted something a little nice. It's not the really nice subdivision with the clubhouses, pools and tennis courts and the huge houses with the wrap around porches or the numbered phases that perfectly illustrate how houses evolved between the mid-nineties and the housing bust.

The kids who live in our subdivision love to be invited to their friends' houses over there in the nicer subdivision. It's good for them to see what they can aspire to if they escape the winding deadends and occasionally shabby split-levels of this modest neighborhood. Funny - when I was growing up in a brick ranch, I would have thought these split-levels were the height of sophistication. The house I grew up didn't have a Master Suite. I didn't know a soul with a garden tub.

But standards have changed. The definition of necessity has shifted. Our kids know this. Most of these kids have never known anything else. And those who have to settle for the second and third rate stuff are keenly aware of what they're missing. They can't escape that knowledge. They see it every day held in the hands of their friends, emblazoned across logo bearing chests, screaming at them from the television, billboards and just about anywhere else you look.

And even so, they are hardly deprived. There is, sadly, some gut-wrenching poverty in this county, but the kids in this subdivision don't see it. Not much anyway.

So these kids who have spent most of their lives as part of the donor class - they proudly carried their unwrapped gifts to drop into the Toys for Tots barrels - now they're becoming part of the recipient class and their parents are trying to figure out how to tell them without having to tell them. We want them to figure it out and just deal with it. Their parents aren't high flyers, haven't made the smart career choices with the fat paychecks, have been less than careful with every penny maybe, haven't been given a leg up through family connections. They should feel lucky for what they do have, damn it.

When you go from being able to give to maybe having to receive, there's an acceptance gap. It takes you awhile to accept the fact that you're going to have to take some charity. Even  as you become painfully aware that this isn't a financial blip, but a real trend, you can't see yourself going to the food pantry. You go to the grocery store. You use coupons and buy less meat. You don't buy as much produce and fresh foods and you look for long expiration dates. At the check out, you contribute the extra dollar for some charity because you've always done so before. It's a reflex. Later, you look at your bank statement and wonder how you're going to make your car payment next month while keeping the utilities paid up and the house payment current.

You beat yourself up because what constitutes a necessary utility has changed and you want to do everything to help your kids keep up - schools expect them to have computers and cellphones and to use technology to stay on top of the ever-growing expectations for learning when they're not in the classroom. Pay the phone and wireless bill? What can you defer until next month? You can't do without water, gas, electric. You can do without cable, but that means you do without any TV because the idea of free TV is basically a thing of the past out here in the sticks. No one has an antenna anymore. No TV? Fine. If you can keep the internet service, who needs it anyway?

Preemptively, you tell the kids you may have to use the computers at the library if you can't pay the internet bill and they understand. Some of their friends have learned to sign up for the computer - you get one hour - and while they wait their turn, hang out in front of the general store next door. But you have to watch for changing library hours. Noted.

And then one night, the neighborhood kids, form an information chain, a modern day game of telephone. Mama's car is hidden as best as possible. The lights are off in the house. The porch light is dark. One kid at the front end of the subdivision lets the others know when the tow truck appears. It chugs around the bend and goes to the end of the street and turns around in the cul-de-sac. Text messages track their movements. The tow truck idles outside the wrong house. Everyone waits.

Another mother sits inside her own split-level in the same subdivision, chews the inside of her cheek and remembers what it was like to hand the keys over to the repo man. She was prepared. She needed the relief of not paying that car payment, but it wasn't her only means of transportation. She and her husband could commute together, albeit inconveniently, until her job disappeared.

Never in her life did she think she'd be dealing with things like repossession and foreclosure, but there they are on her list of experiences. Life is full of surprises.

She aches for this other mother who is doing everything she can to hang on, to do what she can to make things work. Who wants to pay her bills, but simply can't. How can anyone think that people are enjoying this in any way? That people who always paid their bills before have somehow decided that living with the stress of collectors' phone calls and the constant threat that something is going to be shut off or taken away is so much better than just getting a job and going to work everyday.

Just get a job! She wishes.

She tells her husband about how she spent an hour online that day completing a job application for one job. She had to fill out the full application and answer an additional forty-five questions for a long shot job in Atlanta that pays barely over minimum wage. He looks up from his computer where he's doing lesson plans for the next day. He worked all day, but he'll put in another four hours before going to sleep. His unpaid student loan statement sits next to him on the nightstand. A reminder that he's not making enough to cover the nut no matter how many hours he puts in.

Meanwhile a low rumble comes from outside. The neighborhood watches as the tow truck driver makes a call on his cellphone......

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Gleanings


I needed a break from the war. How are you guys?

 There is a theme here. I can't explain the sudden focus. Sometimes these things just happen organically.

******** 
First an Aunt B Story because I mentioned her once and didn't follow through.

Aunt B told us how a friend of ours stopped by her house in the country. He was riding a bicycle and when he stopped to ask if the cousins were home, he propped his leg on the bottom porch step.

He wore those vintage 1980 gym shorts and clearly hadn't seen the point of wearing underpants. There was slippage. And then peekage.

I was maybe 13 years old or so and hung on every word of this tale.

Here was Aunt B's dilemma as she told it leaning against the breakfast bar in her kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hand. "What was I supposed to do if that thing winked at me? Wink back?"

Up until that moment, I was unaware that they winked.

 ******************

Lines that have made me snort with laughter today.

"A crooked penis can be interesting and the ball was probably up there somewhere." Some of you will recognize this.

"Nude wrestling?"
"It got my attention."
"I can see that."
"Whoever wins gets to wear the strap-on."
"And never was there ever a better prize."

 *************** 

And now I have to get back to writing. Not about penises.

What's keeping you at attention?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Let the bowerbird do it

He won't be satisfied until he has everything just so.
susan on little distractions. Distractions abound. Large and small. susan's distraction sucked me in. I stayed awhile.
*********

I was having a bit of a moan about the tiresome lack of compliance the other inhabitants of this house have for my tiny requests that they help out by doing things like rinsing their dishes and putting them into the dishwasher and keeping doors closed so the cats won't nest in the clean laundry. Okay, maybe it was more than a bit of a moan. I'm fed up with their lack of respect for my time. Just because I'm here and able doesn't mean they shouldn't do the things they're capable of, the things they should do just because.

In other words, I'm not their fucking maid.

I'd probably have less anger about it if I were making record profits and getting government bailouts. I wouldn't even give two hoots if they moved their accounts to the smaller, friendlier, lived here all her life  housefrau down the street as long as I can continue to use my sweet piles of cash to buy legislative baubles.

I slumped into a chair and drew my bowl of fat free plain Greek yogurt* toward me. Nature was on PBS. The subject? Animal housekeeping.  As much as I wanted to be sour about it, I couldn't. The program is fascinating. Even if the honey badger doesn't make a cameo.

Watch The Animal House on PBS. See more from Nature.

*As if

Friday, November 4, 2011

Cotton Rushing By


I get the Rumpus emails from Stephen Elliott who wrote The Adderall Diaries. It's a favorite book of mine. I love those emails from Mr. E. as you're about to see if I can pull off imitation with any glimmer of success.

Stephen's from Chicago and the time period he writes about is when we lived just off of Warren Park. Stephen tells a story about his friend who busted the window of Devon Bank. I remember seeing that broken window all boarded up. My husband and I used to park next to that bank and walk the block to our apartment.

It's a neighborhood with several big pre-war three floor apartment buildings and some three-flats. Parking is a challenge. You circle the block a couple of times before finding a spot and when you come to an open spot on that first block, you take it. I wrote this paragraph in the past tense and then changed it to the present because I'll bet not much has changed.

It was a Jewish neighborhood. Then, I think, the Greeks moved in and the Jews moved to Buffalo Grove and Northbrook. By the time we lived there, it was full of Russian and Eastern European immigrants, Indians, Syrians and Pakistanis. Devon Avenue was a collection of electronic shops, Indian restaurants and stores with saris like sunbursts and peacocks in the windows. The Woolworth's was still there with its wood floors, that five and dime smell, and the goldfish and parakeets. I used to like to go there and kill time because I was newly married, new to the city, didn't have any friends and my husband worked all the time at his job managing an electronics chain store on Western Avenue.

At the end of our block was a tiny Indian restaurant called Shital. I could never force myself to eat there. The name was bad enough, but the fact that they never bothered to wipe the greasy handprints off the front window sealed it. Call me crazy - I love greasy food, not greasy handprints. There was also a Russian restaurant on Devon. I can't remember its name anymore, but I had a dream that we went there and on the menu was a dish called Beef, Brains and Borscht.

I may have been newly pregnant with Chloe when I had that dream. I got sick after eating fried chicken I'd made myself and we couldn't cook meat in the apartment for the next eight weeks or so. When my appetite returned, I craved McDonald's cheeseburgers. That was swell. The building across the alley had its roof retarred and I thought I was going to have to move back to Indiana to escape the petroleum smell.

My mom told us how when she lived in France and was newly pregnant with my sister, she would put Chanel No. 5 on a hankie and hold it over her nose when she took the bus because the very natural and human scent of people who didn't see the point of deodorant made her morning sickness worse.

As I dashed into the bathroom to return the Kellogg's something or other I'd just eaten, I totally got what my mother was talking about.

When I took the bus to the Loyola station where I'd get the train downtown to my job in the old Polish Consulate building on Lake Shore Drive, I would watch the mouths of the people who spoke Russian and the other languages from the crumbling Soviet Bloc. No vowels. I swear, no vowels. I was fascinated by their clenched jaws and the women with their bleached blond hair, flashy clothes and manicures. I tried not to stare as I listened to the 10,000 Maniacs on my Walkman and pretended to read whatever F.Scott Fitzgerald book happened to be in my hand. I read all his work in those days. Even the Pat Hobby Stories which I quite liked, if I recall.


I've been picking random books off the shelves and looking at tense. Past tense or present? First person,  third or something else? My manuscript is inching along, but not enough to suit me because the rent is late and that creates a special kind of pressure. Every day is a mental wrestling match. Work on something that has no guaranteed payoff, spend all day looking for a job and bloody my head on that wall, drive up to the adult superstore on I75 and see if I can make a few dollars in the parking lot. I might opt for the adult superstore idea, but there's no guaranteed payoff there either. It would cost me so much in gas money to get there and who knows how many other young, hot women and men have already staked out the territory. Times are tough for a lot of people, yo.

I'd fumble the whole thing anyway trying to keep things neat and tidy. I'd be fussing at fellas to pick up their used condoms and dispose of them according to appropriate medical waste procedures and suggesting that people watch their aim. If we don't make a mess in the first place......

Old habits die hard.

And then there's the possibility that I'd end up having to entertain one of these anti-government lunatics who seem to gravitate toward Georgia. I'll bet they're shitty tippers, too.

Oh the hell with that idea. I'll stick to getting exciting that a big box store is going to move its call center back from India to Georgia. Maybe my fortune will lie there in a job with a cubicle and a headset.  It's all about customer service in the end, isn't it?

MathMan thinks I'm chasing my tail in trying to perfect this manuscript before I send out queries. Uh huh. This coming from a man who spends the hours from 7pm until 11pm doing lesson plans so his students will have the best possible chance for success. He's right, of course. At some point I am going to have to say that this book is good enough and move on, but I know that it's not baked yet. I feel kind of guilty for handing it off to beta readers as it is. And they've been wonderful. I'm so grateful for their feedback. There's nothing like seeing something you've created from another person's perspective.

When all else fails to settle down the magpie brain, I read. And take pictures when I'm driving. Here's what mornings look like here.






As a Midwestern transplant to the South, I marvel at the cotton fields no matter how long I live here.

xoxoxo,

Lisa

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Put on some Coltrane, Derail your own train


I told Mark Twain to shut up. Actually, I told him to shut the hell up because he refuses to stop following me around insisting the report of his death is an exaggeration.

Try looking in a mirror, Sam.

I've received some emails wondering where I've been. That's where Twain comes in. He's the goofball who said “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

That's more or less why I've been keeping quiet. I lost my footing and couldn't write without feeling self conscious. I thought, why not just stay quiet for a while? What's the harm in that?

My mistake was not telling you guys before I decided to be quiet. Sorry about that. I hate to be a cause for concern.

To catch you up and to resolve some old cliffhangers, here's what I've been doing while I haven't been online.

For starters, I never made it to Occupy Atlanta before the mayor closed it down (note: the protests are still happening). I have indeed settled for Occupy the Master Bedroom and I'm having some serious impact on things. You saw that Bank of America is getting rid of their absurd $5 ATM fee, right? You're welcome.

The downside is that MathMan is becoming increasingly unhappy with my encampment. Sounding more like a big city mayor than a calculus teacher, he insists I move out of my corner so that it can be vacuumed and fumigated. His demands also include that I put the comforter back on the bed. I caught him trying to dismantle my makeshift tent over the weekend, but when I called for reinforcements from the Pussies for Peace, he backed off. Fascist.


Good news! The fleacapades are over. I credit my increased attachment to the vacuum cleaner, the flea meds and the cold weather. Hey, here's something creepy a little too late for Halloween. I emptied the bagless vacuum canister into a trash bag, closed it tightly and deposited it in the garage. Some time later, I was in the garage and I heard faint sounds like bubble wrap or something. I nudged the bag with my toe and the sound grew louder. Those fleas for bouncing around in the garbage bag!

Of course I couldn't resist nudging it with my toe every time I went to the garage.

A different kind of change - I've actually been hanging out with a friend. Listen, y'all there's no need to point out that he might be imaginary.

And finally, in case I needed another useless epiphany there's this: The cats, as it turns out, aren't actually felines at all. They're honey badgers.

What's new with you, people of the internets?