Great moments in weight loss

5:30 a.m.
Skip the morning run to get some housework done before leaving for the office. If that floor isn't mopped this instant, who knows what kinds of tragedy could befall the household?

6:30 a.m.
Contemplate having a piece of the chocolate cake you made the day before. Argue with yourself that Bill Cosby agrees that chocolate cake is a breakfast food. Scowl as your shrinking husband strolls to the kitchen sink. (He's fixing to be called Marathon Man instead of MathMan if he keeps this running business up).

Opt instead to sanctimoniously drink a smoothie made with banana, raw spinach, blueberries, a scoop of cocoa and almond milk.

6:45 a.m.
Congratulate self on choosing unsweetened almond milk and the overall choice of the smoothie. This is your day and you are seizing it!

9:00 a.m.
Arrive at the office pleased with yourself that you drove right on by the Dunkin Donuts, the Steak n Shake and the Martin's Biscuits.

10:15 a.m.
Throw up with surprise because, um, you were feeling fine a few minutes ago

10:20 a.m.
Realize that if you were going to barf up your breakfast, you should have had the damn piece of chocolate cake. How dare you defy Bill Cosby? Fool!

10:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Chew ice. Ignore that nagging voice in your head reminding you of that cracked tooth that's just waiting to go all snaggled on you.

5:00 p.m.
Pop into supermarket to pick up a prescription, realize that your stomach is growling loudly enough to make the person next to you give you a funny look as he frees a grocery cart from its buddies and strides away.

5:20 p.m.
Pluck the last loaf of 5 O'Clock freshly-baked Italian bread from the grocery cart where the smell of warm bread still hangs in the air like a taunt.

5:30 p.m.
Rip open the bread's paper wrapper before leaving the parking lot.

6:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m.
Demolish one half of the loaf of bread, drink one Coke from a can and a handful of chocolate. And by handful, I mean enough to make a wrapper ball that you could still palm, but would have been so large as to be considered indecent as an earring.

5:15 a.m.
Step on scale. You've lost 1 lb.!

5:16 a.m.
Contemplate the green smoothie, tear off a chunk of still fresh bread while muttering about possible food poisoning and how sanctimony makes you look fatter anyway.