Today I shall read a book. All day. Go ahead and laugh. You don't believe I will or can do it, but my goal is to do what my friends do - read a book in a day.
Let this serve as notice. This will be me doing something for me. All that is required of you is to entertain yourselves and leave me alone. Forbidden activities include, but are not limited to: Finding me wherever I may be and staring at me. Screaming matches outside my closed door. Text messages and/or phone calls.
There are a limited number of reasons for which you may approach me. They are:
1. Fire that you cannot put out on your own.
2. Arterial blood.
3. Someone ringing the doorbell while holding an enlarged check with lots of zeros at the end.
Note: You should involve me only if your father is unavailable. Unavailable is defined as: 1) Away from the house; 2) Comatose; 3) The person gushing arterial blood or; 4) What is on fire.
If this warning is not enough, let me be clear. I don't want to hear from you. At all. I know that our views on what constitutes a legitimate need differ so here is a short list of what I do not consider worthy of my attention.
Hunger. Boredom. Exasperation with another sibling. Exasperation with your father. Exasperation with me. Flea bites. Hungry cats. Lack of clean laundry. Lack of "food" (read: junk food). The weather. The parsimonious thermostat setting The fact that summer is coming to a swift end and we still haven't done anything fun. The lack of money.
Take a good look at that list. You are all old enough to handle these issues. Telling me about them instead of simply dealing with them in a positive manner reminds me that I've been a failure as a mother and that is not conducive to happy reading. I will become angry at myself which will transform into angry at you which will manifest as slammed doors and shouting of things a mother should never say to a child.
Let's prevent that because it always ends in tears and I look like hell after I've cried.
If you don't think you can comply with my request, I recommend you leave the house. And no, I won't give you a ride anywhere. Look down. See those projections at the end of your legs? They're feet. Use them.
And don't forget to text your father to let him know where you've gone.
Love,
Mom
