Saturday, January 10, 2009

New Feature: Siren Saturday


It occurred to me this morning that some of you might think I've gone all soft on you, that the old sass and semi-sex-obsession of DCup would somehow disappear. As Steve Emery pointed out, though, all of DCup's elements reside within me. We are one and the same.

But as my friend CDP pointed out, sometimes the assumptions about a woman who calls herself DCup are wrong. I thought it interesting when CDP pointed out that I am more soft-spoken Midwestern nice than twangy and brash.

Well, let it be known that I won't always bore you with stories about my children or pictures of rainbows. I'll still have plenty to say about events of the day micro and macro.

Even though I have shuttered Un-Glued, I want to continue to address matters of the heart, the head and the genitals. In an attempt to be a more disciplined blogger, I've decided to do a Saturday feature called "Siren Saturday." The cool thing about it is the feature will allow me to do both the Un-Glued thing and the PoliTits thing here.

Because I just cannot get my political mojo working at the moment (I've been informally banned from MSNBC as the television is now hooked up to electronic games) - this too shall pass, I've decided that each Saturday, I'm going to refer you to The Siren Chronicles for your political news and opinion. To get things started, if you haven't already done so, read this piece about an Alabama sheriff who is skimping on prisoners' meals so that he can enrich himself. Legally. If you care one whit about human rights, that story will make your cream curdle.

And it just now hit me that featuring a post about law enforcement goes along beautifully with the whole "siren" theme. To borrow a post tag from CDP, I crack myself up.

Now on to the other purpose of Siren Saturday - matters of the heart, mind, and do-hickeys... I want to tell you about something I read in a Cosmo magazine the other day. I know you're shocked that I would pick up a Cosmo, right? Don't I seem vastly more The Economist or Southern Living?

I came into possession of the Cosmo while I was visiting my weight loss doctor. His waiting room is just rife with all manner of fine reading. Skipping over the House Beautiful, the AARP Magazine, and Golf Digest (huh?), the Cosmo cover headline 50 Things Guys Wish You Knew just reached right up and tweaked my nipple. Its own kind of siren song, if you will. I asked it to tweak the other nipple, too, as not to make the right jealous of the left.

I leafed through the well-worn April 2008 issue until I came to the article I was seeking. Look at the table of contents? What kind of adventure would that be? When I got called back into the other waiting room, I carried the magazine with me. Finally it was my turn to go into the small room to get weighed (five more pounds gone - whoot!). I was still reading through the list of fifty things I must know about guys. Relax - I only want to know because I'm raising one, my daughters may need my sage advice one day about them and because I haven't even come close to figuring out MathMan. And not for a lack of trying.

At the doctor's office, I see the same nurse each month. We've developed a friendly relationship so I asked her if she'd read the article. She laughed and then asked me to give her some of the tips. I read a couple off to her, choosing carefully. I don't know her that well. When it was time for me to leave she told me to take the magazine with me and bring it back, if I wanted, on my next appointment. As if. This thing will still be in the bathroom reading basket in 2014. Put money on it.

So what of those Things Guys Want Women to Know? Well, some of it was eye-opening, some were things I assumed and some are things I've known since my boobs sprouted at an early age. For example, I know that forcing a man to carry my purse can be emasculating. I'm not talking the "Honey, can you hold this a second while I try on this top." I'm talking the this purse is heavy, will you carry it..... That's just wrong. It's my purse, I should carry it. But by the same token, don't ask me to put a bunch of your stuff in my purse. You have lots of items to schlep around? Get a murse.

I've always assumed and practiced sincerely #8 which reads: "When it comes to your guy's penis, remember three things: (1) If it's small, say it's the perfect fit; (2) If it's average, say it's huge; and (3) If it's huge, he'll already know it, but he'll still love hearing you say it anyway."

I was surprised to learn #32. "It's not a good idea to read into every word I say when we fight. You're probably choosing your words more carefully because you have been upset for weeks and have had time to plan your argument. But I'll be caught off guard. So for me, it's like trying to pass an oral exam that I never even knew I had to study for."

I've got to remember that. It's true. I'm more inclined to stew for a while about things and then spring them on MathMan when I'm good and ready, leaving him at a disadvantage.

Since it's Cosmo, there were more than a few nuggets of information pertaining specifically to sex, as well. I suppose it would be imprudent for me to comment on the fact that none of that surprised me. Of course men* masturbate, like some kind of porn, would prefer to think that anything kinky you do is your first time doing it, would like their partner to seduce them at least occasionally and will think about having sex with your female friends if you tell him that your friends think he's hot.

But has anyone told Victoria's Secret that men prefer a t-shirt that just covers their partner's ass to all those lacy, itchy, strappy fuck-me contraptions with stripper heels?

*most men

Coming up next Saturday: What I do with all that information gleaned from Cosmo. Seriously, this could go on forever, my loves. Just wait until I get to the "new" sex positions article!

37 comments:

  1. If it's small, say it's the perfect fit; ...Like you never that to anyone before.

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  2. Well, as an old woman with more experience with men than is seemly, I could probably have written that article myself.

    You should be happy that MSNBC is now off limits--Keith and Rachel are the only shows worth watching anymore. And the weekends are a vast wasteland. So I go to the nations best newspapers for my news--the papers and NPR.

    And just so we know, we love you whoever you want to be, whatever you write about, and where ever you choose to write it. I have this silly notion that all smart, strong women have deep strong husky voices like me. Ha! Your voice is mid-range, warm and clear as a bell. So much for me and my stereotypes.

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  3. I, of course, meant to say.."and just so you know" not "we know." God how I need an editor sitting on my shoulder.

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  4. "'When it comes to your guy's penis, remember three things: (1) If it's small, say it's the perfect fit; (2) If it's average, say it's huge'"


    uh. no. sorry. and honey, if you need Viagra, but you think you don't, I'm gonna tell ya that too.

    I'm just one of them soft-spoken Midwestern gals.....;)

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  5. #32 is always tricky so I skip directly to #33 (whatever it is)

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  6. Sweet-friggin-Jaysus-in-a-speedo...wotta hoot!

    I would of bit a hole in my lower lip to keep from laughing at the teeny peeny part. ;p

    You are so naughty Lisa...and funny! Gawd do you crack me up!

    Thanks too. ;)

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  7. Must remember to re-educate (to self)...what's a penis???

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  8. I know when I see a giant 4 wheel drive truck with all the bells and whistles and usually it's a loud stinky diesel truck, all I can say is...his girlfriend upon seeing him naked probably says...that explains the truck!

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  9. they post was wildly entertaining and the responders were the same !

    love your shiny new blog. :)

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  10. (a) People still read Cosmo??!

    (b) People believe anything printed in Cosmo??!

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  11. Edward - And I'll say it again. Perfect fit.

    CDP - Not as much as you crack me up, surely. Trust me. I get shushed for laughing at your posts too loudly.

    Utah - Thank you for letting me know that it's bit of a political news down time. I miss Keith and especially Rachel. Pretty soon, I'll be retaking the telly. And thank you for supporting any writing I do. Coming from someone like you who can write with the best of them, that's an enormous compliment.

    And I wish I had a deep, smoky voice! Dang.

    Linda - Bwahahaha! I can just imagine you saying that, too, in your soft non-accented Midwestern tones. I like your style.

    susan - That #32 is a pain. What if I want to win the argument, fair or not?

    Dusty - Thank you. That's my kind of compliment. Naughty and funny. That's what I aim for. And you're welcome. Thank you and your crew of talented writers at Sirens for your great work that I can link to!

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  12. themom - We could run an online seminar on penises here. Tell me if you think that would be a good idea. We'll ask for volunteers....

    SaoirseDaily2 - We call those penis extensions. Whatever works for them, I guess. Though I prefer a guy be comfortable with his tool and use it to the best of his abilities. TMI, I know, but it really is how they use it, for me at least.

    linda - I love the commenters who visit here. They are a hoot!

    Braja - Cosmo still exists! If anyone actually takes it seriously is hard to say. I'm confident that my marriage will improve wildly after I try out some of those "new" positions. I may be in traction, but my marriage will improve. Rowr.

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  13. This was great fun. And #32 is very true, and I wish every woman knew that half the stuff that comes out of our mouths when we're caught off guard like that is just nonsense. But what #32 doesn't do is help women figure out which half is junk - so what help is it really?

    And about that t-shirt thing... I have been thinking lately about the watercolor sketches of Rodin. They are of figures, of course (I'm not sure he was interested in anything else) and most of them nude. But the one I found more arousing than any other, and more sexual than any photo I've ever seen, was called Bacchante. It portrayed a young brunette, lost in the Dionysian wildness of the moment, standing in a simple sack-like shift that was just long enough to cover her entire torso except the very tip of her dark mons.

    And how weird that the Cosmo cover in your blog post has the word Bacchante on it... VERY strange coincidence.

    And the sketch I'm talking about is simple and charming - nothing at all like the Rodin Bacchante that can be Googled and found at: http://images.easyart.com/i/prints/rw/en_easyart/lg/1/5/Bacchante-Auguste-Rodin-15899.jpg The sketch I mean shows a girl quite unconscious of the effect she might be having on others... She's caught up like a dancer, lost in the moment, but not drunk looking.

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  14. I thought you had me totally figured out. Why would we have gone through all that stuff for the last 20 years. Now that I know about numbers 1-3 you can saying the opposite to me. You're such a kidder.

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  15. I'm always intrigued by those Cosmo headlines. They seem to rotate about fourteen or fifteen of them around, with the one's about the hot new thing he/she likes always being something I at least knew about at some point in my life.

    Anyway, on the whole penis thing, I think silence is the golden rule there. Guys know the truth, and hearing crap, they know crap. Just let it be, you know?

    The purse-carrying thing . . . there needs to be a class on that one! Get it through your noggin, ladies, we don't want to handle it any more than we have to.

    Finally, on rule 32. "Reading in" comes in many forms. One could add "Don't ask me if what your wearing makes you look fat". Or a thousand other annoying little things that happen that have probably caused more divorces than adultery.

    Thank you for the memo to Victoria's Secret. Whole-heartedly welcome a woman who recognized the inherent sexiness of the long t-shirt. I could also mention a woman wearing a man's oxford over nothing at all, as well . . . but I'd get all hot and bothered thinking about it.

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  16. You know - I am not around for a day or so and what I miss.

    Holy crap. And BTW at our house we were ahead of the trend with the t-shirt vs. Victoria's Secret thing.

    Deep sigh, we are both lazy and cheap.

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  17. Ok. I'm not buying #32 and then I ask, "Does GQ or Maxim have shit like this?" I don't know. I'm re-naming it "50 Ways to Coddle Your Man, So He'll Think He Has a Big Penis/ Truck."

    Here's the comparable GQ, er, Spread:

    #1) If your wife's vagina is not as firm as it was before she bore your demon spawn, tell her she's tight as fuck while you think about her best friend when you fuck her.

    I'd go on, but it'd just be more of the same, bitterness.

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  18. Please allow me to settle this but not stop any subsequent comments. Does there need to be more than one or two items the list? I think not.

    1. We alwayss the question, sometimes in our heads and sometimes not, would she do me? If the answer is yes, then that's all you need to know.

    2. I apologize for this clear and obviously misogynistic comment.

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  19. #32 works both ways. I know I've done the same thing. And yep, tshirts are great....the "fuck me" phrase is useful as well.

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  20. Sometimes a truck is just a truck. If it is jacked up with huge tires and all kinds of lights and other needless stuff, then it is a penis extender. What ever happened to the Redneck Truck, the one ton dually crewcab with all kinds of lights, a spoiler on top and a short two foot long cap on the box??

    Cosmo isn't the only mag doing such articles. I remember Redbook did one on what men really want (blowjob) and once a cover article of Home and Garden said How to get Great Blo and the rest was covered by the address label. Someone said look "They are doing those articles too!!"

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  21. I just wonder about who really WRITES these sorts of advice columns and the sorts of men they surveyed to get their information.

    They don't seem like average folk.

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  22. Shit, and I just bought my wife a closetfull of stripper heels for Xmas. No wonder I've been sleeping on the couch.

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  23. You are hysterical. Reading the prisoner post now.

    Loving the LHG blog.

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  24. Hmmm . . .#32 is a good one.

    So many funny little things in here . . . if I said it was a pleasure to read, would you find that kinky?

    Don't think I can face up to the violation of human rights article at the moment. We saw The Changeling last night and I am still reeling from how she gets thrown into the Psych ward for arguing with a cop. How do you prove you are sane when someone is being paid to find you crazy? It was very disturbing.

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  25. You are soooo right about the t-shirt thing. Simple is always better.

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  26. I'm never quite sure whether Cosmo empowers women or empowers men. Maybe it just empowers the advertisers

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  27. I enjoy drinking Cosmos. Cheers!!

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  28. "soft non-accented Midwestern tones"

    actually I was being facetious about being a soft-spoken Midwestern girl! as for my accent, it's strictly south side Chicago!

    ;)

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  29. oh yeah, by the way, get your blog award over at http://lindasyoga.blogspot.com

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  30. Freida Bee is onto something there I do believe.

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  31. You have to sneak in #32 by choosing the time and place with care. I did it today and won.. rather, we both did :-)

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  32. When a girl wears my dress shirt that just covers the half moons of her butt, that drives drives me, oh, so crazy.

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  33. Forgot to mention that my elderly aunt almost had heart failure when she read the Redbook article and it was her son-in-law who said "Look they're doing it too." The article in Home and Garden or Better Homes and Gardens was How to get Great Blooms.

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  34. Love It! LOL! :) And it (the last line here) is sooo true. :)

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  35. Oh, please, everyone knows that you are supposed to scream, "You're hung like a baby Rhino," or, "No Way, that thing will kill me."

    It's the only way to sound sincere.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

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  36. This makes me want to write an article about what men really think...

    It'd be relatively short. Trust me.

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