Saturday, January 10, 2009
New Feature: Siren Saturday
It occurred to me this morning that some of you might think I've gone all soft on you, that the old sass and semi-sex-obsession of DCup would somehow disappear. As Steve Emery pointed out, though, all of DCup's elements reside within me. We are one and the same.
But as my friend CDP pointed out, sometimes the assumptions about a woman who calls herself DCup are wrong. I thought it interesting when CDP pointed out that I am more soft-spoken Midwestern nice than twangy and brash.
Well, let it be known that I won't always bore you with stories about my children or pictures of rainbows. I'll still have plenty to say about events of the day micro and macro.
Even though I have shuttered Un-Glued, I want to continue to address matters of the heart, the head and the genitals. In an attempt to be a more disciplined blogger, I've decided to do a Saturday feature called "Siren Saturday." The cool thing about it is the feature will allow me to do both the Un-Glued thing and the PoliTits thing here.
Because I just cannot get my political mojo working at the moment (I've been informally banned from MSNBC as the television is now hooked up to electronic games) - this too shall pass, I've decided that each Saturday, I'm going to refer you to The Siren Chronicles for your political news and opinion. To get things started, if you haven't already done so, read this piece about an Alabama sheriff who is skimping on prisoners' meals so that he can enrich himself. Legally. If you care one whit about human rights, that story will make your cream curdle.
And it just now hit me that featuring a post about law enforcement goes along beautifully with the whole "siren" theme. To borrow a post tag from CDP, I crack myself up.
Now on to the other purpose of Siren Saturday - matters of the heart, mind, and do-hickeys... I want to tell you about something I read in a Cosmo magazine the other day. I know you're shocked that I would pick up a Cosmo, right? Don't I seem vastly more The Economist or Southern Living?
I came into possession of the Cosmo while I was visiting my weight loss doctor. His waiting room is just rife with all manner of fine reading. Skipping over the House Beautiful, the AARP Magazine, and Golf Digest (huh?), the Cosmo cover headline 50 Things Guys Wish You Knew just reached right up and tweaked my nipple. Its own kind of siren song, if you will. I asked it to tweak the other nipple, too, as not to make the right jealous of the left.
I leafed through the well-worn April 2008 issue until I came to the article I was seeking. Look at the table of contents? What kind of adventure would that be? When I got called back into the other waiting room, I carried the magazine with me. Finally it was my turn to go into the small room to get weighed (five more pounds gone - whoot!). I was still reading through the list of fifty things I must know about guys. Relax - I only want to know because I'm raising one, my daughters may need my sage advice one day about them and because I haven't even come close to figuring out MathMan. And not for a lack of trying.
At the doctor's office, I see the same nurse each month. We've developed a friendly relationship so I asked her if she'd read the article. She laughed and then asked me to give her some of the tips. I read a couple off to her, choosing carefully. I don't know her that well. When it was time for me to leave she told me to take the magazine with me and bring it back, if I wanted, on my next appointment. As if. This thing will still be in the bathroom reading basket in 2014. Put money on it.
So what of those Things Guys Want Women to Know? Well, some of it was eye-opening, some were things I assumed and some are things I've known since my boobs sprouted at an early age. For example, I know that forcing a man to carry my purse can be emasculating. I'm not talking the "Honey, can you hold this a second while I try on this top." I'm talking the this purse is heavy, will you carry it..... That's just wrong. It's my purse, I should carry it. But by the same token, don't ask me to put a bunch of your stuff in my purse. You have lots of items to schlep around? Get a murse.
I've always assumed and practiced sincerely #8 which reads: "When it comes to your guy's penis, remember three things: (1) If it's small, say it's the perfect fit; (2) If it's average, say it's huge; and (3) If it's huge, he'll already know it, but he'll still love hearing you say it anyway."
I was surprised to learn #32. "It's not a good idea to read into every word I say when we fight. You're probably choosing your words more carefully because you have been upset for weeks and have had time to plan your argument. But I'll be caught off guard. So for me, it's like trying to pass an oral exam that I never even knew I had to study for."
I've got to remember that. It's true. I'm more inclined to stew for a while about things and then spring them on MathMan when I'm good and ready, leaving him at a disadvantage.
Since it's Cosmo, there were more than a few nuggets of information pertaining specifically to sex, as well. I suppose it would be imprudent for me to comment on the fact that none of that surprised me. Of course men* masturbate, like some kind of porn, would prefer to think that anything kinky you do is your first time doing it, would like their partner to seduce them at least occasionally and will think about having sex with your female friends if you tell him that your friends think he's hot.
But has anyone told Victoria's Secret that men prefer a t-shirt that just covers their partner's ass to all those lacy, itchy, strappy fuck-me contraptions with stripper heels?
Coming up next Saturday: What I do with all that information gleaned from Cosmo. Seriously, this could go on forever, my loves. Just wait until I get to the "new" sex positions article!