Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Almost As Satisfying as Killing Two Flies With One Whack. Which I Just Did.

Like many of you, I go through my day editing myself. Hard to believe, I know, but I don't actually say the first thing that pops into my head all the time. I do self-censor. I'm careful because the situation warrants a certain amount of respectable behavior (boring!). Other times, I don't say what I'd really like to because it might hurt someone. Or get me fired. Or arrested. Or laughed off the PTA hospitality committee. Or smacked. Or drummed out of general society.

We all feel this way sometimes, don't we?

Today was a day full of those moments. Work, personal relationships, driving on I75. You name it. Picture my words, traveling with lightening speed from my brain to just the tip of my tongue where they are snagged by a large rubber band and catapulted back down my throat. I have to chew them before I can swallow them. Then, after a deep breath, I'm able to come up with a slightly more suitable response.

If I'm not careful, though, after time, those nasty words fester, getting meaner and uglier and more angry. Eventually, they find their way out and my self-censorship ends up being for naught.

To combat this, I'm using this post to let it out. I invite you to do the same in comments. It's not really a confessional, but rather a place to vent one's spleen safely so that there's no real or lasting damage to the people who matter in your life. Or who sign your paycheck, for example.

I'll start. I offer no explanation or tell you to whom something is directed. I'm not looking for a confrontation. I'm just having my say, using the words I wished I'd said, but didn't.

Item one
"If you think this thing is falling apart, perhaps you'd like to take it over and show me how it should be done. I don't like being stuck in the middle of what you want and what they want."

Item two
"Who do you think you're kidding?"

Item three
"Actually, I'm not so crazy about Chinese buffets. I'm not keen on Chinese food and I'm grossed out by the idea of food sitting out in the open on buffet. And I never get my money's worth at a buffet anyway. Unless, of course, it's a dessert buffet."

Item four
"Nice one, douchebag. That got you ahead one entire car length. Bravo. Now don't slow down, you moron! If you don't have the skills to drive in the left lane, please move over."

Item five
"You are exactly what everyone says you are. A coward. A user. A narcissist. A troubled soul. A child. Did I mention coward? Just checking."

Item six
"You know how I said I like your singing voice? Well, I lied. Frankly, I think your voice sounds pinched and tight."

Item seven
"For cliff's sake, we are not made of money!"

Item eight
"If you guys want to keep living here, you must learn how to use the toilet, feed yourselves and help out with something useful like the laundry. I've had enough of your lying around sunning yourselves and stealth pooping."

Item nine
"My passion evaporated because I felt like it wasn't wanted. How do we get that back?"

Item ten
"Next time, don't ask them what they want if you already know what you want. It creates an enormous headache and more work than I need."

Okay. That's plenty from me. Your turn. What would like to say to someone that you held back? Go on. You know you've got those words churning around inside you. Why not let it out here. I make no promises for the Internets, but your secret is safe with me.


  1. Here goes...

    1. Stop the complaining already.
    2. Leave me alone and stop asking questions. We are here because we can be and we answer to ourselves.
    3. Your kid is a jerk and the better one is still better.
    4. J F C can we have a G D conversation. Passive-agressive behavior is easy but it's so tiring and the truth gets lost behind the anger.

    Thanks for you tme.

  2. Number 6 is lol :) And no way am I writing any....I'd have to write a book...

  3. I'm all for the concept, but now that I've got the floor I can't think of anything good!

    I did tell the nurse yesterday that I wasn't coming to get my daughter from school (where I had justed dropped her off) because said daughter was just being a Drama Queen. I think the nurse thought I was a real B.

  4. I'm sorry, you're right, I did run GM into the ground when I worked on the line and I don't deserve the pension they promised me for thirty years. AHOLE!

  5. Item four
    "Nice one, douchebag. That got you ahead one entire car length. Bravo. Now don't slow down, you moron! If you don't have the skills to drive in the left lane, please move over."

    It always pisses me off when someone passes me and then slows down to less than what I was doing!! I usually pass them and give them a one-fingered salute!!

  6. If you are dangerously allergic to the cold as you claim, how do you survive drinking so many iced beverages?

  7. I don't think there is enough room in comments for me to list mine...lol But I do the same as you. I keep them all in, then eventually it all boils out. I guess it gets so full I can't keep it in any longer.
    Item four is probably my most used one though.. not as much as I used it in the past, when I was driving over the road...lol But that was a standard line..
    I have heard Item six many many times...lol
    Ok, I will quit now...lol

  8. 1. I told you that not talking about it would change the relationship. Did you think I was kidding? You were perfectly willing to let me think "whatever" back then. Did you think I'd forget or something?

    2. What precisely is the point of paying for a tutoring program if you're going to fail him no matter what we do? And why is it that *we've* managed to get him up 2 reading levels in 2 weeks when you haven't been able to get him up by one all effin' school year?

    3. She's 17. She's the age of consent to HAVE sex but not the age of consent to see a doctor? Do you see the logical disconnect there?

    4. While I was out, did they change something and make you supervisor? No? Then, STFU.

    5. Look. I'm just as frustrated as you are about how long this is taking. I can't do anymore about it than you can. Call back when you can yell at someone who *can* do something about it.

    6. Yes, what I did was juvenile and stupid. I was 16, a *child*. What was your excuse for being a juvenile, stupid prick @ 36?

    7. Why in the world do you believe what she says about me when you know that she's batshit insane and makes shit up all the time?

    Ahh. That felt good. Now, we could hold this thread over at my place since hardly anyone reads my blog. It really would be a secret well-kept.

  9. I needed this site to vent at midnite! But I am totally brain dead at this moment (out of frsutration I believe.) I'm loving everyone's comments...I may need to steal them for the future.

  10. Finally (after biting my tongue all semester) asked a student, "Are you going to be clueless the ENTIRE time you're in college?" Student burst out laughing (at the word clueless), and, suddenly, the annoyance dissipated.

  11. I would, but I find that typing it out just gets me mad all over again.

  12. Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to get fired up over yesterday again.........too many issues...ugh. Today no one has infuriated me, but it's just past noon, give it time.

  13. I came over here just after Mathman's comment in the wee hours and decided not to get in between a good passive aggressive blog/ commenteur row, but if you're both in better moods now, can I get in between you now?

  14. Re #8 - I really hope this refers to someone other than MathMan and the children, Lisa. Otherwise, we need to talk about how you epic failed at toilet training.

    Hope all the getting-things-off-your-chest writing helped to prevent you from killing someone. But nothing beats the satisfaction of saying it to their faces. Still, I'll join the party:

    To X: Do YOU really not want to get together with us, or are you letting your wife dictate whether we all see each other more than once a year? If it's the former, I am seriously hurt. If it's the latter, WTF? Grow a new pair to replace your old ones that she's keeping in her sock drawer.

    Damn, that felt GOOD. Thanks, Lisa.

  15. "I don't suck your dick because it smells like an unwashed foot."

    Actually, I did say that, but not in so many words......

  16. What a good idea... although I think that if I were to actually type these things out I might not be able to stop for a long long time.

    My co-workers, are, ummm "special"

  17. The best one? Angelina's, by far.

    OK, so, if I do this, what goes on at That's Why stays at That's Why, right?

    Kind of like Mexico without the drug killings and swine flu. . .

    Anyway. Ahem. In no particular order.

    1) Even though I work harder than you, get more done, and complain less than you do about everything, you are better than me . . . why?

    2) When you get a life, I'll care.

    3) You want to be treated like a teenager, start acting like you'll be one soon (actually, this one I've said . . .)

    4) Actually, I'm less impressed with your intellect than you seem to be. (Special blogger edition non-comment; again, said this, although in a different way)

    And finally, the hardest one, which means it's the only one that counts. . . (gulp)

    5) I'm not sure I really want to work it out.

  18. I'm thinking that #8 was for the Pussies for Peace, actually.

    But...it could be one of the children. Lord only knows how many times I've walked into the bathroom and found stuff without paper in the toilet...yes, toilet training epic fail, I know.

    And Angry Ballerina wins the internet for today.

  19. Boy; if I open the flood-gate on that one, I may never get it closed!

  20. Great idea. I'm going to copy it and I'll link back. After I get back from visiting my brother in the hospital and going to a funeral. That plus the day/week I've had, it will be a long list.

    #8 made me laugh - pussies for peace or kids?

    #9 made me sad.

  21. Because I love you..........I have an award for you on my blog.......sorry...LOL.

  22. Angry Ballerina for the win.

  23. Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode with the phrase "Serenity Now"? You shouldn't block up your anger, you know--"Serenity now...insanity later"! *grin* (This coming from a girl who pretty much avoids confrontation at all costs. But then again, I'm insane--so there you go. :) )

  24. OK, here goes:

    1. I do not like having to share our house with your sister.

    2. Why is it that I hear a lot of women complain that they are not getting enough sex, and my sex life is about as good as a once a month bill mortgage payment?

    3. Why should I continue to watch American Idol when it is obvious that the producers have already picked the winner?

    4. I wish being stupid would hurt!

  25. 1. We should have stopped at 2 kids.

    2. I seem to have no opinion because you are so self centered that there is no point in expressing myself.

    Ok, I'll stop there...

  26. Here's what I would have titled my recent blog post if it hadn't been for my in-laws reading it: "Cancer doesn't make mean people nice."

  27. I'm so much a natural recluse I manage to evade people who would annoy me. The ones I see in the world at large are more like weather and there's no sense getting angry at that.

  28. Well. I didn't say it to the intended's face, but in commenting on a former managerial type who I had to confront in my former position, I mentioned that each time I stood up to him he lost a bit more of his penis until it wasn't much bigger than a slightly oversized clitoris.

  29. I should have said these things years ago:

    Did it ever occur to you that your rude kids, especially the 6-year-old bratty son you are so partial to, make all that great sex we had just not worth it?
    And did it ever occur to you that your alcoholism, even in recovery, is a royal pain in the ass?
    And would it kill you to actually use your master's degree by displaying a modicum of proper grammar?
    Oh, and one more thing--it's either "also" or "too," so using "also too" is not only redundant, it makes me want to punch you in the stupid ass larynx.

    (God that felt good)

  30. Gee, I am on a roll now--here are a few more:

    You know, when I met you I thought a man as short as you might have a Napoleon complex, and damned if I wasn't right. But did you know so-called straight men like you think you are don't use eyebrow pencil?

    There's a reason the last 13 employees you supervised either quit or got fired--it's because you're a bitch!

    Why use the word "utilize" when "use" is so much more efficient? And has anyone ever mentioned to you that the word "irregardless" is just fucking stupid and annoying?

    Thanks for sending me all the goddamn bible quotes and rightwing e-mail. Have we met?

    I know you loved your dog and his recent death nearly killed you, but I hated that dog because he was moody, he bit and barked too much. I like him better now that he's in that urn. Whooo's a good boyyy?

    Paella again? Is that all you can cook?

    I realize you left me three voice mails and I neglected to return your calls. It's because you only call when you and your idiot girlfriend have broken up yet again, and I'm sick of hearing about it.

    I know your lover doesn't understand you and you should leave her, but please stop thinking I enjoy all the bitching and neediness enough to be your next victim.

    You once said you didn't deserve me, and you were right!

    If you want to get sexual, please do not mention anything even vaguely unpleasant about your vagina.

    No, I don't know that bufugly old bull dyke sitting at that table over there. You think I know every queer in Texas?

  31. Crap. How did that comment get up there with my "real" identity? that's what I get for rushing

    Anywho, here's my (partial) list:


    Here's to venting spleen so as it doesn't back up and 'splode all over the place.

  32. 1) I want you guys to do the dishes because your mom and I have been busting our butts at work all day only to come home and make dinner while you're home hours earlier and playing video games you ungrateful brats.

  33. If it was something the listener would have actually heard, it would have been this, "Please don't marry her. You will be sorry."

  34. Fun vid, strange friends! I'm going to pour a little vodka into my herbal tea. You're great, Lisa.

  35. In general, I'm not known for "holding back." I say what I mean, but try to be tactful when there's no reason to be hurtful. But oh my, how I used to have to bite my tongue raw, when I got my first post-divorce job and worked for a nasty little wretch of a man who ruled over his powerless female minions with a barbed tongue and an iron fist. He would call me into his office over some tiny infraction and yell at me in a demeaning and demoralizing way until I was in tears. I used to fantasize about breaking into his office, after hours, weilding an Uzi. In the fantasy, I was wearing a tight,black leather dress and stilleto-heeled boots. I screamed at him, "Okay, motherfucker, you're going to do what *I* say now. Get down on the floor! Now!" Of course he was terrified and obeyed me. When he was adequately prostrate, I commanded him to "Beg for mercy, you useless sack of shit!" Quaking with fear, and with tears streaming down his face, he begged. If he slowed down I put the heel of my boot against his doughy white neck and pressed it against his larynx. "Now tell me what an asshole you are and how you don't deserve to have a woman as fine as myself working for you." And finally, after squeezing all the humiliation from him that I could muster, I pointed the Uzi directly at his face and sprayed the ugly thing with all the bullets in the cannister.

    Ahhh. Good times.

  36. So do I really want to start? I mowed the lawn AT the whole thing and I didn't really get anything out of that but sore wrists and a headache, neither of which helped. What was going round and round in my head to the tune of the mower engine?

    "OK, d___head, if you think you know everything already and don't need to get anyone else's input go ahead and f__k it up on your own. I'm going to date file my suggestions so I can prove I already thought of the items AFTER they bite your f__king head off and kick it around the block. I'm going to lobby to take more of this work somewhere else, so we actually get something done. I know the reason you want to control it all is so you can keep the size of the projects minuscule so you can appear to succeed. But no one is fooled. I sure as shit ain't."

    But actually I can't let it happen, because that wouldn't be team play, and I care about the clients and my boss. And I'm sure I'm overreacting. And I'm probably only reacting this way because I also like to control everything. (Farber's iron rule.) Good thing the stakes aren't that high on this particular item - but that also makes we suspect the intensity of my emotions... I have something personal at stake and I usually don't understand those.

    All done now.

  37. "What would like to say to someone that you held back?"

    I have three Rollaway tool boxes within reach, each has one drawer full of assorted hammers and very sharp pointy things, if you don't get the fuck out of my sight in three seconds, I am going to start throwing ALL of them at you.

    Nevermind, too late.

  38. 1. I "un-friended" you on FB because you are mean and I don't like you.

    2. It's one thing to be blunt and somewhat rude. It's quite another to troll through the lives of others looking for fodder to hold over their heads. THAT makes you a sadistic, useless tool.

    3. Get a volume button on your voice, buddy. Make sure it comes with a mute button. If you don't, I'll short circuit my TNS unit and taser you unconscious, you pathetic blowhard.


And then you say....

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