Sunday, April 4, 2010

Fat Fat The Water Rat

Today I had MathMan take a "Before" photo of me.  I took one look at it, put down the chocolate bunny I'd been nibbling and wailed.  Really, really wailed.

Oh my fucking goodness. "I look like that?"

Okay, so a while ago, a long while ago I may have mentioned here that I was going to try to lose weight and get into shape. I'd have been better off if I'd simply said I was going to take up smoking while developing a meth habit as back up because the counting calories and working out thing wasn't quite working out the way I'd hoped.

Part of the problem was that on that whole counting calories thing, I was missing the point.  I was supposed to count up to a certain number and then stop eating.  Oh.

Then I got sick with the real influenza.  The 1918 or whatever kind, not the one that we all call the flu, but is really some kind of intestinal bug.  No, this was the cough up a lung, get all feverish and feel like you've been run over by a truck influenza.  Although I suppose in 1918 the survivors must have said they felt like they'd been run over by a fast moving wagon.

So for two weeks, I stopped exercising because I couldn't breathe and I find breathing to be highly critical to exercise.  I realize this doesn't make me special. Instead, I did just as the doctor ordered.  I rested.  I sat, reclined, lay about and generally moved as little as possible because I just felt so meh.  It was like depression without the fun parts.

Then, there was that confusion over the Starve a Cold, Feed a Fever or was it the other way around.  I went with feeding.  A lot.  And often.  My fever was hungry and I took care of its every need.  Popsicles.  Ice cream.  Cream cheese on white toast with a smear of strawberry jam.  Ham sandwiches.  Cool Whip straight from the container.  That fever invoked cravings I never knew I had.

My weight increased.  I could feel myself ballooning.  Paint me blue and I'd be just like Violet in Charlie and Chocolate Factory. And may I just tell you, it's fucking uncomfortable.  I hate this.

So last week I went to the library and took out Bill Phillips' Body for Life.  In 12 weeks I'm going to transform my body and mind.  If I don't I'm going to kill myself.  Seriously.  It will be slow, painful to watch and my clothes still won't fit, but I assure you it will be suicide.  I'm too damn fat.  And it will kill me.

So here we go again.  I have my plan.  I have my goals - they're written down.  I know what I'm to do and I better fucking do it because nothing fits.  I'm sick of waking up with a sore back.  I hate it that I flinch when MathMan reaches his loving arm across me in bed because I'm ashamed of my belly fat.  I am sickened at the notion that the kids probably look at me and wonder why I can't be svelte and pretty like the other moms they know.  Even the cats look at me with disdain when I apologize to them in the morning because I can't bend over to pick up their food bowls without groaning.

I mean just this morning, MathMan and I were watching a dvd and one of the characters was described by a couple of the other characters as a "little tub of lard."  I cringed because I was thinking that compared to me, he didn't look fat.

Simply put - I don't want to be this person anymore, buried under killing fat, hiding under pounds of flesh that are the result of bad choices and a bit of genetic trickery. Damn genetics.  What?  It would be too much trouble to make me either tall or naturally thin?  I don't require both.

So here we go again. No way in hell am I posting my before picture.  I'd rather run nude through the neighborhood at noon being chased by bees.  Just rest assured that it's enough to make me want - out of sheer vanity - to follow through this time.  Because if I don't, the disappointment in myself might kill me before the disease does.


  1. Well, I guess I want to say don't be so hard on yourself; yet I know if you're not "hitting bottom" about it, you won't do anything. I support you though!

    I did Body for Life about 10 years ago. It works! What really paid off for me was the workouts first thing in the morning. But I couldn't do it for long since I'm not a morning person. I worked out at lunch like a banshee. Like I said, it works!

    Good luck, Lisa! You can do this!

  2. I'm with you, Sista!

    You might think about a thyroid screening, though. I did a few weeks ago and I have lost about 15 lbs. My energy levels have increased dramatically!

    I still have that ADHD thing going on, but my focus is better. Most of all, I FEEL more like being active.

    Having the desire to do something is wonderful! See if a friend will work out with you. That helps a bit.

    Maybe a Skype-Out! I'm game!

  3. yes!!! we support you!! the thyroid screening is also important--most women *cough* *ahem* our age are likely to have an underactive thyroid. REally common. Please look into it, if you can.
    I'm going to go look up "body for life"

  4. You know you're beautiful to us no matter what you think you look like.

  5. I just looked at the body-for-life page and some of those people look scarier in their 'after' pictures than they did 'before'. You are lovely as you are but if you want to lose some weight just be gentle with yourself - a little less food and a bit more activity will see you making changes you can live with happily. Much love to you (you silly and very funny lady).

  6. I fully support you, and I am with you on the 'health, wellness and weight loss' band wagon.

    Please remember that you were SICK, Lisa. REALLY SICK. For a couple of really long weeks. Illness does really strange things to our bodies, including weight gain.

    If you need back up information, please read "You, On a Diet" by Drs Roizen and Oz. It will fill you full of "Oh, so that's why" moments. It's well written and very easy to 'digest'. [No pun intended.]

  7. Don't throw yourself into it too dramatically. If there's a sudden drop in calories just as you're recovering from the flu, your body is going to be convinced you need to save all the fat cells possible. If your body decides it's starving, your metabolism will slow to a crawl.

  8. I'm there with ya. Right there. I just signed up for a "weightlifting" class, otherwise dubbed as a "get your sedentary body moving again" class. On the other days, I will walk/run or ride my bike, cuz the weather is nice and I got no excuses. (I have NOT, to date, begun training for that 5K race I was gonna run, now a slim month away....

    I am sooooooooo ashamed of me in my fat body and a big high school reunion is happening in July.... Can I be presentable?

  9. YES! BODY FOR LIFE! We can share notes - I start again next week. I did it in my 20s and loved it - especially how I felt wating the 6 small meals (no need to fork over money on protein shakes, just eat cottage cheese & fruit as your protein/carb). I started it before vacation and oh mah gaaaah, my muscles hurt. I forgot about that part. But it was in a good way. (Of course a week in Mexico drinking 1,000 calories a day was not BFL-friendly.)

    I hope you like it - I think it's a really sane plan, esp. w/ the free day & all. No calorie restrictions, no self-hating. Giving up sugar was hard for me before, I'm sure it will be again.

    The thing that I'm looking forward to most of all is not feeling like excess weight is keeping me from living the life I want to live. Not in a "I want to be a size 2" way - in a "I want to be able to portage a canoe into the Boundary Waters with my husband on our honeymoon". I think you're mentality is similar - not a vanity thing, a "is my quality of life suffering?" thing.

    GO, LISA!

  10. (Um, CLEARLY I was excited - see the spelling and grammatical issues above.)

  11. Lisa - It is so hard being sick and hungry. You need to eat, but you are too sick to make anything healthy, so you graze. Let your body get back to eating normally and then start adding exercise. Of course, it has been since November for me and I still haven't gotten back to eating right and exercising. We can do this together. Good luck.

  12. I am so fat I still weigh more than the day I gave birth to my child.

    I try and try and - ugh then I get upset and eat mcdonald's on the sly.

  13. I've had a lot of friends with weight problems and have watched them go on one diet and exercise binge after another. They may lose wight in the beginning, but plateau at some point, grow impatient, do something more drastic like take Phenphen and then end up gaining back what weight they lost and always an extra five pounds or so. I don't want to discourage you, but be aware that most independent research on diets reports this is almost a universal of dieting.

    I know advise is not what you're looking for here, but eat healthy, cut out crap calories, but satisfy your hunger, and start walking. So much for not giving advise. I know this is what would work for me, if I weren't chained to my computer. I claim that when the weather gets better I'll start walking. Anyone want to take bets?

  14. I'm fat too. But LORD I love food!! I walk when I can.

    Being naked and chased by bees reminded me of a story you might enjoy: my sister was camping with her boyfriend last summer. My sister is nearsighted like me, and well endowed upfront like you. In the wee hours of the morning, she grabbed her BF's glasses by mistake to go to the latrine. On the way back she was swarmed by bees. So she took off running and swatting, thereby pulling her little pj shirt up over her tits, while stumbling over rocks and logs she can't see well. All the while trying not to yell because the campground was mostly still asleep.

    Her BF said it was quite a sight.

  15. Im sure you do NOT look as bad as you think you do. But I wish you the BEST OF LUCK over the next 12 weeks. I am actually on my 9th week of a self-imposed exercise program and it has NOT been easy.

    PS: Cool Whip straight from the container? = My total weakness!

  16. Good for you, though a beautiful mind you've already got nailed down.

    Odd I read this post today. After years of making interwebs for people, I finally saw myself at an unguarded moment of "not sucking it in" in the mirror and realized my personal emotional threshold had been passed. I just started P90X today. It hurt, but in a good way. Might be over-compensating, but if I'm going to do it I'm going to do it all the way. And my blog may have some sexy "after" pics in 90 days.

  17. Oh, I don't want to think about being fat. But I felt it would be dishonest to read this post and not leave a comment. ;-) I may be fat, but at least I'm honest. tee-hee

  18. I fear I am going to be attacked for what follows. Oh, well. . .

    As I live with a woman with similar issues, voiced in almost the exact same terms (she tends not to say "fuck" so much because she's a preacher, but it has emerged on occasion), this particular post is an echo of a theme from most of my marriage. I shall share with you, dear Lisa, what I share with your namesake to whom I am married.

    First, I support you in your pursuit of your goal, and would if physically present, do all I could to help out. Moral support from a thousand miles away is all I can offer at the moment. At the same time, do not tie your own sense of self-worth to whatever photo you happen to have last glanced. You are, as many of your commenters have said, quite beautiful. My guess is that your reaction to Doug's affectionate embrace in bed would be unintelligible to him because his love is real and does not depend upon such vagaries as your physical appearance on a given day.

    You are a beautiful human being, a beautiful woman. Fat? All I can say is such words really annoy me. Do what you feel you need to do, but do it for the right reasons - of health, certainly, and perhaps a sense of equanimity - but do not get so bound up with the ups and downs of it all that failure, should it occur, leads to depression with all the fun parts.

    Because there are some folks out here, and certainly that man who shares your life, who will love you and think you beautiful no matter what. Hold that in your heart. As Judge Reinhold said in Fast Times, Learn it, live it, love it.

  19. Sugar is of the devil I'm sure.

    Exercise for being healthy. You are already have the beautiful part down pat.

    And hey, look at all these comments of support you have here. That's beautiful too!

  20. You know we love you just as you are and support your goals.

    Summer's coming, time to get up early and get outside while it's still cool.

    Hahahahaha!!! Isn't that hilarious!!!!

  21. WOW so many great comments and I am late to the party again as usual dang nab it (hey you kids get off my lawn!)

    I support you in whatever you feel is best for you.

    Got nothing else except if you're done with the cool whip send it on down (it may go good on the peanut butter and bacon sandwich)

  22. Good luck on the quest. And remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. Best to lose the weight slowly, because that's how we put it on. And you are allowed to have a slice of cake eery once inn a while, just not every day. Don't beat yourself up. That said, sending you good thoughts.

  23. I came back to tell you that I always tend to leave messed up and misspelled comments on your blog--sorry about that.

    Walking is the best. It takes the weight off slowly but that is the best way. Also, if you lift weights you will look slimmer but may actually weigh more as muscle is more dense than is fat.

    Good luck Lisa. We want you healthy and around for a good long while.

  24. I got there about 10 weeks ago (I have a weight loss blog linked to my blog now...drop in.)

    I have lost about 40 pounds - working hard - I will not reach my origional goal (set over a year ago) of losing 100 pounds before I travel to my daughter's graduation, but I am on my way to reaching my new goal of losing 150 for my son's next year!

  25. I'm going to let you do the workout for the rest of us lazy bums. Good luck.

  26. Go ahead and take up smoking, models do and look how thin they are. Skip the meth.

  27. I want to see the running through the neighborhood being chased by bees...

    In the meantime, good luck and remember it takes time (I lost 25 pounds a few years ago). Go easy and it will happen. And you're wonderful in any size...

  28. Oh, Lisa, I'm going through a 'fat phase' too. It's the weather.

    I was sick with the flu last week, SICK. All I did was sleep. I come out of it, only to eat all holiday weekend. I'm like a bottomless pit.

    Anyway, I feel you, sister. It pains me, but I am right there with you. The diet starts TOMORROW!


  29. Damn! The weight gain is such a bloody curse. I am one of those people who gains weight just glancing @ something.
    If you find the key to success here, let me know.

  30. ugh. I know exactly what you are talking about. And I don't have the very good reason you have--recuperating from flu. My own best plans for fitness have been siderailed by simple and ridiculous things like having houseguests and several birthday celebrations in the past few weeks. Oh, and damned Easter candies.

    I was actually planning on doing a before photo this week myself. I need a reality check, and it's not fun, I know.

    I will get back to the "program" this week, I've told myself, but holy crap, it is so hard to stay focused...

    I guess that's my way of saying, I am right with you. Wanna make a chat date/challenge to get back into a weightloss routine?

  31. Maybe you will show us "the afters" after you are no longer a "before". Good luck!

  32. You and me could be the same person re: weight loss etc. I felt like you were saying things from my head when I read this. Good luck to us both!

  33. Girl -
    It doesn't matter how many people tell you that you're beautiful just the way you are when you feel like your whole life adds up to Death by Cheese Danish. One of my favorite books is by a Jungian Feminist named Marion Woodman - Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride. It's an examination of weight/body issues that includes ideas like The Internal Mother whose critical voice we often try to smother with food or starve by denying ourselves or barfing. Not a diet book at all, but when you're having to change a life long relationship with food so your pants fit, a psychoanalytic perspective can be helpful.

    Meanwhile, If you want, I'll do an on-line pact with you since I need to drop a few lbs myself before May 3rd when the Preacher named Jack Daniels arrives in NYC for the specific purpose of meeting me. I feel much more attractive without the Muffin Top.


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