Thursday, April 1, 2010

TMI Thursday: I'll Tumble For Ya, But Only for Five Minutes.

TMI Thursday

Click the photo for more TMI fun. Do it. Now! No, wait.  Do it AFTER you read this post.

Some people need work to help them define themselves and to feel a sense of fulfillment.  Not me.

I clip coupons.   Like it's a contest.
But I'm not just your average coupon clipper.  Oh ho ho!  I very carefully clip down to the edge of the printing.  All the way around.  In fact, those coupons look so good when I'm done with them I bet the supermarket checker whispers to the bagger after I leave, "That woman had the most neatly trimmed coupons I've ever seen!"


I do laundry.  Like it's sex.
But not just your average get everything all good and wet it in the washer, add commercial detergent and softener, enjoy the vibrations, listen for the winding down sound, shove it in the dryer until the buzzer goes off, take it out, fold it in the living room in front of the t.v., pile it on the sofa for three days until I can't take my suggestion that "people" put away their own laundry being ignored another moment laundry.

People, please.

No, I launder my clothes in whatever powder is cheapest, scrape in a few shavings of Fels Naptha soap and add my homemade fabric softener.  Oh, I didn't tell you?  I'm going right for Martha's market share.   Anyway....it's easy and inexpensive.  (Detect a theme?) 3 cups white vinegar, 6 cups water and the piece de resistance! some really inexpensive hair conditioner.  Do you want your clothes to smell like ocean breezes? strawberries?  How about a nice cucumber kiwi?  You get to choose by selecting whatever conditioner thrills you.  Of course, no matter how delightfully scented the conditioner is, make sure it goes with the piquant scent of vinegar because, well, it's vinegar and there's precious little you can do about that smell.  When your family  has the temerity to wonder aloud why they smell vinegar, tell them that you're dying Easter eggs.  Or douching.  Whatever works in your household.

But that's not all!  I've also learned to cut our electric bill significantly by not running the clothes dryer full throttle all the damn time.  The resulting savings in one month of not using the dryer was $54 and some change.  So when a donor paid me via the purchase of a new dryer in exchange for some sex work, I decided to make it a win/win.  I wash the clothes using my fabulous homemade softener, pull them from the washer and hang them until they are nearly dry.  Then I pop them into the dryer so they tumble for a few minutes and get all nice and soft.

Bluebirds drape garland around my head and mice sing sweetly from the corners, too.

Or did I dream that?

I iron sheets.  Like my life depends on it.
Yes, I really do.  Call me crazy (I know you don't need my permission), but it's one of the little luxuries in life that I can still maintain and it doesn't cost me anything except the little bit of electricity and water and time spent in front of some old movie which is hardly a burden.

And what exactly, you're wondering (because I can see you with your pursed lips and furrowed brow), makes any of this TMI?

I do it all naked.

 Can't take your eyes off that wallpaper, can you?

23 comments:

  1. I cannot get over the fact that you iron sheets. I don't even iron what needs to be ironed. No, I buy bottles of Downey wrinkle be gone and I spray my clothes down with chemicals rather than ironing.

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  2. Better than coupons: If you did some part time work as a hotel maid just think of all the free soap, conditioners, shampoos, tp and stuff you could score. Plus people always leave stuff behind when they check out - think of the ebay sales you could be doing.

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  3. LOVE this! Hope you don't mind it became one of my "must reads" for today!

    romancingrachel.blogspot.com

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  4. Hahaha nice. I was wondering where this was going. I love doing things naked. WHen I lived alone it almost became a problem. Alas now I have roommates to keep me in check.

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  5. I am a former County Market cashier who is here to tell you that I always appreciated the neatly clipped coupons. The people who ripped theirs out in line just pissed me off. Hello, Type-A Teenager!

    Naked sheet ironing. Fabric softener that smells like douching... I love your blog.

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  6. naked makes almost everything better.

    --clevelandpoet

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  7. Guess we have something in common; that's how I vacuum! ;)

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  8. I usually copper my sheets and tried sweeping the floor while naked once but then my wife told me to cover up as she sprinted from the room.

    Let's test your coupon cutting skills. Can you make them as neat and tidy using hedge clippers?

    I've always wanted to smell like kiwi. Do you think your process would work with adult beverages?

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  9. That's not you at the ironing board. I can see some pubes peeking out there. You bald...er, faced liar.

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  10. Lisa, that is truly magnificent ... wallpapaper.

    Happy GOP day!

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  11. My mother had that wallpaper and wishes she had those breasts!

    But really? Ironing sheets? I thought my ironing tee shirts was strange. Don't they get wrinkled the first time you sleep on them? Do you change them everyday?

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  12. One word:

    ROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR.

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  13. Oh my goodness I loved this post! So cute. And I might even have to try that fabric softener idea. That sounds like fun!

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  14. I don't iron ANYTHING.

    I threw my iron away a few years ago while in a rage, and I haven't looked back.

    I try to avoid purchasing anything that requires ironing.

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  15. once again my Mother would have LOVED you!
    she ironed every-freaking-thing including underwear (And I am not implying your as nuts as Ma was)

    One of my most vivid memories is Ma taking the clothes out of the dryer to iron them and a full ash tray at the end of the ironing board.

    I may not have smelled good but damn those pleats were straight on the pants!

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  16. For the Win! I have given you shit in the past for ironing sheets, but I will never ever purse my lips at you again. I'm planning to spend the summer naked in front of my TV ironing my sheets too. Because I'm worth it.

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  17. Be careful... very careful - with that iron!

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  18. I don't iron sheets anymore but I used to. As my mother said they really do stay crisp a little longer :-)

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  19. I found you while surfing...and I'm so glad I did. Blogspot needs more cunning ladies who write well and post tasteful naked pictures.

    Although truthfully I think you should be ashamed of your behaviors. Clipping coupons. Tsk tsk. Wicked child.

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  20. My mother irons underpants because she says it "disinfects" them. But I don't remember them smelling like kiwi or anything like that. You're good. ;-)

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  21. OMG! I thought I was the only person on the planet that still LOVES to Iron My Sheets!

    Of course I do NOT do that naked. I dont trust anything that hot next to my bare flesh! Especially since I am a major Klutz!

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And then you say....

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