Wednesday, June 30, 2010

And The Silicon Chip Inside Her Head Gets Switched to Overload


Oh my god, do you do things like this?  Please tell me you do things like this.

I carry whatever novel I'm reading into the bathroom and end up re-reading something in Cat Fancy I know I've already read eight times.

(I feel the need to explain why we have Cat Fancy magazine in the house.  Beyond the obvious, of course.  See, my Delta Skymiles were set to expire so in a fit of corporate thuggery that is yet to be believed by the authorities, Delta came to the house in the dead of night, placed a gun to my temple and demanded I order magazine subscriptions from a specific list of choices.  So it was either Cat Fancy or Cigar Aficionado.)

I buy soymilk and don't use it.  But I have good intentions.

I always forget when I have soap under my thumbnail.  That's precisely when I decide to gnaw on it.

I wonder why it is that people think god was watching over them when they survive an accident, but they never wonder why that same god wouldn't prevent the accident in the first place.

I stack things on top of the cabinet where we keep our medicinal items because if I open the cabinet, I'll see the mess inside and then before I can put things away, will be required to sort out the whole cabinet, taking the time to look at expiration dates and categorizing things before putting them back neatly.

I ask aloud to no one in particular why those things are still sitting on top of the cabinet instead of inside it where they belong.  I am deeply incensed when no one answers.

I make inappropriate jokes to my children and then wonder why they are so astonishingly sarcastic to me.

I listen to Erik Satie and think that perhaps I should reconsider calm.  Often calm also means blue.  A well-adjusted person doesn't have a whole Pandora station based on Satie, does she?

I search for meaning in things where I probably shouldn't.

I tell the cats that if they're willing to wear little chapeaus and sit on the chairs rather than on the table, we'll have that little catnip tea party I've been promising them.

I order my children to leave me alone unless they want me to find something for them to do.  (This sounds eerily as if I'm throwing my mother's voice.  A maternal talent that goes vastly under appreciated and underpaid.)

I don't seize the day as often as I should.

I ask MathMan to find me a beekeeper's suit on ebay so that I can mow without getting stung by those hornets in the ditch.  For those of you wondering why I don't look for it myself, please note that MathMan enjoys the hunt.  And I'm not going to take that away from him.  There remain so few joys in his busy life these days.

I write LOL on people's facebook stuff if I actually LOL.

I sing to every Indigo Girls song on the radio.  Even if someone is in the car with me and begging me to stop.

I laugh with my mouth wide open.

I read blogs but never comment.

I look at my geraniums and think they need to be tended, but then I never get out there to do it.  (May be related to my need for a beekeeper's suit or not.  Could be my inability to follow through on complete thoughts.)

I try to write descriptions of people I see in random places without them noticing that I am actually observing them and then making notes.

I don't get out much.

I long for simpler times that never were.

And you? Let it out.  Isn't confession good for something?

I'll take one.  And the suit, too.

I want to say thank you to Kirie at Three Little Chickies who recently sent me a message telling me to watch my mail.  Well, I did watch the mail even after the mail carrier asked me nicely to get back in the house and put some clothes on.  Then a box from Kirie arrived.  The package inside was wrapped so beautifully, I had to be made to open it.  My daughters, as it turns out, can be very persuasive.  I still can't believe they held the kitten who isn't exactly a kitten any more over the open flame of the gas stove.  Dang.

How cool is this?  I'm all set in my endeavor to get fit. And after the next five pounds come off, I'm using the Sephora card to reward myself with something girlie and decadent.


Thank you, Kirie.

19 comments:

  1. Very similar stuff. Yesterday I thought that someone had stolen my purse from the locker I had locked it in at my gym. The manager opened another locker with a key and there it was. This after I swore i hadn't gone near that particular locker...

    Perhaps instead of looking for a job I should be looking for a "home."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmm, no I don't do those things. But I once worked at an old peoples' home and they did stuff like that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I laugh with my mouth wide open, showing the fillings in my molars - and I also sing along with the car stereo.
    As for wondering about stuff, I wonder about stuff all the time, but since I don't do lawn work, I have never fantasized about a bee keeper outfit.
    You'd look great out there with the mower, even though it's probably very hot inside there.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I only do a few of those things. But you know I'm messy and would never ask why something was stacked and not inside a cabinet. I don't read in the bathroom - it's bad for your veins in your legs. And I have no vague idea what kind of radio stations well-adjusted people might have.

    I think there's money in bees, actually, since our global or at least national supply is dwindling. I'm not kidding.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I tell the cats that if they're willing to wear little chapeaus and sit on the chairs rather than on the table, we'll have that little catnip tea party I've been promising them.

    Please tell me you were successful and then do please share as I have a few kitties here who think the kitchen table is an acceptable place to lay about.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wonder why it is that people think god was watching over them when they survive an accident, but they never wonder why that same god wouldn't prevent the accident in the first place.

    Was just talking about this with Mrs. Shambles the other day. The job you'd never get fired from.

    "Hey guys, I closed 17 million dollar accounts yesterday on lunch." "Praise you!" "Hey guys, I just burned down your house and your office and killed your kids and raped your wife." "S'okay G - you're just challenging us to find joy in the right things. Praise you!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. I take my Blackberry into the bathroom (not to talk, to play Brickbreaker.)

    I watch wrestling. (I know, it's fake, but I've been watching it since I was a kid with my Dad, and I just can't stop.)

    I call myself stupid when I do something stupid. I actually got in trouble at a job I used to have for talking to myself like that. They thought I was calling someone else stupid.

    Probably worst of all, I still think (and sometimes act) like a teenager.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I read blogs, too, and never comment!

    Hey, wait...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ah, the Erik Satie was heavenly. Thanks for the introduction. I feel like I've heard his work somewhere before on a French movie - Amelie, maybe?

    That soy milk is probably made from genetically modified soybeans. So you might be doing yourself a favor in the long run.

    Confession: I woke up this a.m. in a foul mood and immediately began bitching at F. about how he never does the dishes and oh, also, how I was out of muesli for my breakfast. He didn't return fire. I put in my contact lenses and walked into the kitchen -- whereupon I discovered all the dishes still gleaming wet, shiny and clean in the dish rack, and breakfast on the table. Oops!

    Melody or harmony line on the Indigo girls? I'm singing harmony up here in the middle of nowhere, so if you've got melody, you have a phantom partner a few hundred miles away. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. How about this... I apologize to inanimate objects when I bump into them, even if sober!

    I also read a lot of blogs and rarely comment. But usually it is because you say things so well, there is nothing to add, Lisa.

    Thanks for letting us inside your head now and again.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

    ReplyDelete
  11. Actually, I'm pretty anal--you can set a clock by me. I exercise at the same time. I get up at the same time. I put stuff where I always put it. Yeah, I rarely lose something, but sometimes I think I would be better off not focusing on some of this stuff. The grass is always greener....

    ReplyDelete
  12. Me? I don't do anything weird. I'm a perfect example of a totally mentally healthy person with no quirks whatsoev THE CHOPPERS!!!! THE CHOPPERS!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. HA! You've commented on my blog. Now how can I take the rest of this seriously? ;-)

    Well, I can because my list would look eerily similar. Yes, I do things like that.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't do anything like that. Ever.

    Satie!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I decide to clean the bathroom. While I'm putting my jewelry away, I decide it needs cleaning. While looking for the jewelry cleaning products in the kitchen, I realize my basil in the window needs repotting. En route to find the potting soil Ispot the fabric I just bought to make lavender pillows. While setting up the sewing machine, I wonder if the lavender fields will be in bloom when my visitors come and go upstairs to go online to check.While there I check blogs and don't comment because I'm too busy. But I see that the bathroom still hasn't been cleaned and while I'm picking up the towels I decide it's time to do some laundry. I realize there is no laundry detergent so I run out to get some. On the way I find a great bathing suit in a store window. I spend some time in the store and though I don't buy it, I run into a friend who wants to have an apero. By the time I get home, my house is a disaster, nothing is done...NOTHING...but I was so damned busy today.

    ReplyDelete
  16. It's amazing how time flies past whether we do anything.. or not. You can get a lot accomplished in either case. Just ask Satie.

    ReplyDelete
  17. A catnip tea party!--LOL! :)

    Hey, that "Power Moves" book looks interesting...I will have to check that out on Amazon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I laugh loudly, mouth wide open, sing loudly (and off key) to the Indigo Girls, have no idea who that Satie guy is...

    ...and often tell terrible things to my male friends in order to utterly horrify them. My inner child is a 14 year old boy.

    Most days, I would trade out talking to ANYONE for the opportunity to read a really, really, REALLY good book.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Kirie is a sweetheart. What a wonderful motivator to get you to where you want to go!

    My confessions:
    I keep magazines that I haven't read and that I will never read and I lie to myself and tell myself that I will.

    I have tons of mixes for asian sauces that I can't use because I need more exotic ingredients to use them. Someday I will give it all to a food pantry and they will curse me for my impractical gift.

    I don't for a second believe everything works out for the best.

    I search for meaning in everything when I probably should be vacuuming.

    I have the hots of Haas Cartright.

    I most often dread going out and then I am usually wrong and the place I went wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

    ReplyDelete

And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)