Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Written Doesn't Mean It Will Ever Be Seen

Today I write letters in true passive/aggressive style.  That means I won't mail them, but a couple of weeks from now, I'll be telling you how the losers addressed never responded.

Dear Schools,
No more plastic water bottles.  Why not sell reusable bottles with the school logo?  The kids buy them (or steal them) at the beginning of the school year, take them home to be washed by the magic washing elves and bring them back each day.  You provide access to clean water where the kids can fill up their bottles during lunch.  Easy, right?

Thank you,
Mrs. Sick of Schlepping to the Recycling Center

************

Dear Trouser Manufacturers:
Please reinforce the back pockets where men typically carry their wallets.  Patching that spot is next to impossible for a piker with a needle and thread. 

Thank you,
Mrs. Sore Thumbs
************ 

Dear Satellite TV Provider,
I'm sorry we couldn't pay our bill these last two months.  You know how it is - back to school, the car needed four new tires.  I just wanted to let you know we've gotten a good laugh over the Congratulations! You now have a Dish 500! message that flashes on the screen when you turn on the TV.  And that added touch of having the channel switch immediately to the one where the super cheerful people tell you the 526 ways you can pay your bill? Brilliant.

Question - how did you decide to take away all of our channels except Bravo and BBC America?  I mean, I don't really miss having 600 plus channels of wedding planning, little people, ghost hunters, Housewives (who are anything but), and Gordon Ramsay being a pompous twat, but seriously?  Now I have two "real" channels.  The first is brimming with Housewives promos and the other is still a whole lot of Gordon Ramsay being an overwrought dick.

Oh, and what mad logic is this?  I can't pay my bill so you give me 28 shopping channels?  I don't know if that's clever or cruel.  Either way, that's some wicked corporate humor.  Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.

Regards,
Mrs. Will You Take a Kid in Exchange for PBS access?

************ 

Dear Family,
We are moving closer to MathMan and Nate's school.  If they're up at 5:00 a..m., I'm up at 5a.m.  I'm supposed to be a lazy good for nothing living off the system.  Being up and productive* at 5a.m. is bad for the bad reputation, you know.

With love,
Mom/Lisa

*Productive is indeed subjective

************
 Dear Pussies for Peace,
Please get your time share plans sorted out.  Who's on the pile of towels in the bathroom, who's curled at the foot of Nate's bed, who's at the top of the stairs or on the faux marble in front of the fireplace, who's blocking the fridge.  All this hissing and swatting isn't in keeping with your general mission statement of world peace.

Gratefully,
The woman with the food and litter scoop
************ 
 Dear United Healthcare:
Thank you for saying yes to the IUD removal.  Now if I remain fat and crazy it's my own fault.

Warmly,
Patient number (redacted)


************
Dear Zachary's Creme Drops:
Why do you have to be so delicious?  (Please see letter to United Healthcare.)

Droolingly,
Madame Sweet Tooth

************ 

Dear Lady in the White Car:
Please note I understand the need to inch up at the stop sign, but what you did today as I drove by almost made me pee my pants.
Annoyed,
The Bug-Eyed Woman in the Other White Car


************
Dear Georgia Power:
Your website says the Massell Road branch opens at 8:30.  The sign on the door at Massell Road says 9. 
Please fix.  Thanks.
Signed,
A customer who can't get that half hour back and who forgot her just in case book

************ 


Your turn - what letters would you like to write, but not maill?




30 comments:

  1. Dear Dog Walkers,
    I get that you can't be bothered to pick up your dog's poop but do you have to talk loudly and obnoxiously on your cell phone while he's doing his business?

    Sincerely, The woman with gloves and ziploc bag

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Appliance Goddess,

    Yes, I realize that we had the ultimate fortune to move into this home four years ago to find most of the large appliances still functioning and present--else, we would have likely starved and/or floundered about in our own filth for at least a year, due to the demands of scrounging up a down payment and closing costs. But please, I beg you, can you at least stagger their demise a little farther apart than two weeks?

    With gratitude,
    The Sad New Holder of a Sears Balance

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Lisa,
    You're awesome.

    Sincerely, Jenny from the blog xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Company that is selling off the division where I work currently - you better freaking hand over that matching to my 401k if you know what is good for you. And IF I have to pay into the IRS cuz you fuckers took away my dependant care flex spending account YOU will be writing the checks to MN and the Feds.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Fates,

    Why is it that I finally find a guy who is simply awesome...but we don't have a single off day together? You are bitches.

    Sincerely, Frustrated

    Dear Children,

    I no longer do 'housework'. I clean up after myself; you clean up after yourselves. This is how it works now. Please take note or you are cordially invited to live in the tent in the backyard.

    Sincerely, Former Criminally Underpaid Maid

    Dear Ex,

    Feel free to continue to be butthurt. It bothers me naught. You being a dick trying to needle me--that annoys me but not enough for me to want to engage you. Your children are watching--one of them gets it now, the other will later. Think of that as you remember that this was all YOUR idea. I didn't leave you; you left me and I gave you more opportunity to fix that mistake than I should have. If it didn't turn out the way you thought, tough shit. Sincerely, Gone but Obviously Not Forgotten

    Dear Person Who Hit My Nephew With Their Van,

    Don't ever let me find out who you are or come across you in real life. It will not go well for you.

    Sincerely, Bitch Also Known As Slap-a-ho.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear i-pod Wearing Subway Rider,

    Please turn it down. I would prefer hearing the screech of the subway wheels on a curving track to the dregs of your droning dance mix and warbles of your pre-fab pop star.

    I know, I know, it's supposed to be superbly cool to ignore all us peon commuters by listen to music really loud. Unfortunately what you are listening to is not music, it is junk food for the mind, and eventually your brain will turn into mushy flab, and that is so not cool.

    Regards, The Lady Who May or May Not Eavesdrop on Commuters and Write About them on her Blog.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear United Healthcare:

    This letter is to inform/remind and/or make your adjusters aware that my recent treatment for a respiratory condition was at Parkridge East Medical Center (in network - see: son's birth).

    While I am sure that Parkridge Valley Hospital is every bit the outstanding psychiatric treatment center that it is reputed to be, I have never been ad- or com-mitted to this out-of-network facility. Please adjust my bill accordingly.

    Sincerely,

    Woohoo-woohoo-woohoo!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate it when I forget my JUST IN CASE book. Arrgghhh!!! Just thinking about it frustrates me. Its rare when it happens, but when it does I'm in a really bad mood LOL!

    Stephen Tremp

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you, Lisa for this opportunity!! Timing couldn't be better!!


    Dear 'You know who you are',

    No, I don't want to know how many women you've screwed in your lifetime.

    Oh, I guess you didn't hear me? I'm sorry, did you just say that numbers in the four digits? I said I didn't want to hear it!!

    You did NOT just ask me, while watching me throw pots on the wheel, "if my hands are 'really strong', and can I do, ahem, 'things' with them that other women cannot, 'hehehe'...."
    EWWWWWWW!!!!!
    Are you just unable to watch me work without getting all 'dirty old man' on me?

    I guess now you're in your golden years you feel like a lifetime of treating women as objects is a badge of acheivement, but I beg to differ. (but you'll never know what I think about anything, will you?)

    No, I don't want to hear another 'funny story'. And neither does my kid.

    I would have liked to have had at least one normal conversation during this visit, you know, something that involves that unknown territory called 'dialogue'. You may have heard of it-- it's that thing that involves someone other than you speaking.

    Did you just tell me you're going to pick me up and throw me thru the plate glass window if I interrupt you again? I must have heard you wrong...

    No, I don't want to hear how you screwed my beloved's mother out of child support payments just because you 'worked the system' while you were fucking everything that moved. It actually makes me want to pick up a baseball bat.

    And please don't even try to follow that with telling me (again, and again) what a great father you were to your kids.

    And you wonder why two of your (known) offspring no longer speak to you...

    Are you fucking serious?

    When's your flight?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Grow’d-Ass Woman formerly known as My Sister,

    Since I’m the one who fed you mashed peas and changed your poopy diapers, I am resistant to your desire to be treated like royalty. Confidentially, the Princess Persona is so unflattering to one who is getting along in years.

    Wish I could give you my best regards,
    Not a Shmata

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Kitties,

    Stop sitting on the freshly laundered towels and leaving hairs and what all else on them. There are plenty of other nice places for you to lay about in this house and I am tired of washing the towels over and over.

    Everyone else who lives here: this is why I close the bathroom door, so the damn cats can't get in here and lay on the towels. Your cooperation in keeping the bathroom door closed is much apprieciated!

    Sincerely,
    The only person who does the laundry and gives a shit

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Jennifer,

    I applaud your recognition of public transportation dumbassery and implore you to hand deliver that letter to said offender.

    Dear children of mine,

    Put your fucking bowls and plates and dishes in the fucking sink so I can fucking wash them.

    Hmm, that's not passive enough, is it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Large Nameless Agency,
    Take this job and shove it.
    Cheerfully,
    A Former Employee

    ReplyDelete
  15. I see we all needed to let off a little steam. We might have to make this a weekly or bi-weekly thing.

    And Stephen Tremp - me too! I am Grumplestiltsken without my book to read.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hilarious post. For me, the build up was great and the climax (and I always love a good climax) was calling someone a "Bug-Eyed Woman". I'm still laughing about that one!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dear Landlord,

    Did you really need to send in the bush hogs at 8:00 a.m. three days consecutive this week?

    Also, let me introduce you and your landscaping handyboy to a couple of useful tools. They're called rakes and leaf blowers. Now I am not a true fan of the latter, but surely *anything* has got to be better than gouging scrape marks in the front yard as you "rake" up the pinestraw with your frontloader to save time.

    I'd also like to introduce you to the concept of leaf mold and mulch and growing plants which Nature has designed to aid in preventing erosion -- but I suspect that might be too complex. Here's the simple version: Your property is on a slope, and your *own* actions are the reason you now have to deal with flooding and mudslides and falling trees.

    Please stop.

    Sincerely,
    The barefoot hippie a/k/a blue dot in a red sea

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dear Lisa,

    Coming to Atlanta again the week of September 3rd. Can you make time for me during the week maybe?

    Signed,
    Novel Pimper

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear Doppelgänger,

    Nice to hear from you. Hope we can get together real soon.

    Regards,
    Bro Tweedle

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dear Wine...(2 bottles),
    After an evening of "unusual" over indulgence, I'm standing in what can only be described as an unfamiliar and very empty parking lot with no recollection of where I parked my automobile. You two bottles were expensively advertised as "The Wine That Remembers". So where in the hell did we park the car?

    Sincerely,
    The one stumbling and talking to myself

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lisa,
    I love your site and your writing.

    Kind Wishes,

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dear corporate person,

    Thank you for those official and wildly inappropriate emails, beseeching me to support your political goals.

    Sincerely,
    One of the many who took offense, and then took action in response, thank you very much

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh Lisa! These are such funny letters! I think my favorite one was your Dear Family but there are so many greats to chose from!!

    Im just sorry I can't think of a wittier comment response!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Dear Lisa,
    You are hilarious.

    Sincerely, Juli

    ReplyDelete
  25. I bet you feel a whole lot better now, yes?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Dear governmental regulators,

    Please bar service providers from offering promotional rates that sucker my husband into switching (TV, phone, cell phone) providers, only to end up being screwed royally six months laters. We can't afford it, and he's not smart enough to read the fine print.

    (these were GREAT, Lisa!)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dear Mother-in-Law,

    I AM the better cook. Get over it!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Dear ATT:

    After 4 days of trying to figure out what was wrong with OUR equipment, phone line, etc, which kept us from getting on YOUR server, IT FREAKIN' TURNED OUT TO BE YOUR PROBLEM. F**k your server and the horse it road in on.

    Oops, I didn't mean to be so rude--but I was.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dear Kids,

    Did you know you can magically determine if the dishwasher is clean, or currently accepting dirty dishes, but merely opening the door? Amazing, right?! And if it's got dirty dishes in it, you can put other dirty ones RIGHT IN THERE WITH THEM!!!

    Love and kisses,
    The kitchen staff, aka Mom

    ReplyDelete
  30. Dear drug-addicted, trannie hooker-loving landlord: Hire someone with more than two neurons who won't spend half his time drinking or smoking crack and finally pull up the moldy carpeting outside my apartment. Oh, and clean up the fucking mold. With. Your. Tongue.

    Signed, The tenant who will continue to withhold some $$$ every month because you can't afford to go before a judge because you are a known prick

    ReplyDelete

And then you say....

(Comments submitted four or more days after a post is published won't appear immediately. They go into comment moderation to cut down on spam.)