Thursday, December 30, 2010

I've Seen You Live So Many Lives

Despite what you might have heard, I have not died in a snowboarding accident. I'm not that famous. Outside my mind anyway.

Have you seen the fake news reports of celebrity deaths via snowboarding accident in Switzerland?  Earlier this week, a friend posted them on Facebook.  I saw one about Charlie Sheen and MathMan saw one about Adam Sandler.  Both allegedly died from slamming into a tree while snowboarding in Switzerland.  No drugs or alcohol were believed to be involved, but damn if that isn't some coincidence!  If Sonny Bono can die while skiing then it seems perfectly plausible that Charlie Sheen might die in a snowboarding accident.  Or at the hands of an angry prostitute.  But no prostitutes were mentioned in this particular online news story.

I asked MathMan to vet it for me because I had really important things to do.  Like read or watch a movie or eat something.  Or maybe I didn't trust myself to use Google because things seems so complicated lately. MathMan found nothing.  Even a couple of hours later, after he checked again, he found nothing.

It's not like we're huge Charlie Sheen fans or anything. We're not anti-Charlie Sheen either.  We just don't talk about him much around here.  We don't watch that show he's in with that other guy...who is it?  Ducky?  Jon Cryer?  Or is it Neil Patrick Harris?  I can't keep track anymore.

After all that ambiguity about whether I should be sad about Charlie Sheen, I decided to go to the great arbiter of who's in and out when it comes to celebrities kicking it.  No not TMZ.  I don't even know their url.  I mean Facebook and Twitter.  Seriously, people.  Even the most minor celebrity-ish person (read: anyone with an IMB page) can't be issued a death certificate until at least 10,000 fan-strangers have posted an R.I.P on their Facebook status.  In some counties in California and New York, famous folks aren't declared dead until an additional 5,000 fan-strangers have posted accompanying video links of the celebrity on their Wall.  It's a law.  Look it up.

Tweets, while effective in starting death rumors, don't count toward official death declarations because they zip by so fast no county employee could be convinced to try to count them, but the celebrity's families are surely grateful that @buffbabe1977 managed to tap out R.I.P. (fill in minor, obscure celebrity name here) with her newly manicured French tips.

If you haven't been memorialized on social networking sites, you're not dead. It's that simple.

Which reminds me - when Charlie Sheen or that girl with the new face, what's her name?  Oh yeah, Jennifer Grey, when either of them do finally pass on to the great John Hughes film in the sky, I want to post my favorite scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off along with their R.I.P.s on my Facebook. (minute 1:10)

As for Adam Sandler, well, maybe this.

Now that I have those three sorted out, I might just spend the remainder of 2010 developing my list of potential R.I.P. video links for the coming year.  It would help if I knew ahead of time who might die in 2011, but damned if I can find a list of people.  Too morbid?

That has to be more entertaining than coming up with my top ten list of anything for 2010.  All I have so far are a top ten list of places to hide chocolate from my children, my top ten list of movies I meant to see, a list of ten candle fragrances no one should ever purchase, and my top ten list of things I should never suck up with the vacuum again.

How do you plan to finish off 2010?  Celebrity death predictions for 2011 to help me get a head start?


  1. "All I have so far are a top ten list of places to hide chocolate from my children, my top ten list of movies I meant to see, a list of ten candle fragrances no one should ever purchase, and my top ten list of things I should never suck up with the vacuum again."

    Well, then, come on! Let's see a post on this! :-D

    Good new year ahead to you guys. Start making your 2011 list now!

  2. I have a feeling social networking might be good for writers but now you've given me at least 10 more reasons to avoid them. I would never get anything else done in an effort to find the truth in whatever rumor was twittering past. Have I mentioned I'm very glad you continue to blog as well as work on your books? Please keep it up for the simple fact your posts always make me smile. See? :-)

    Happy New Year.

  3. We should make a list of who we would LIKE to see dead in 2011. It's evil, but it suits the pervasive grumpiness of this week.

  4. Let's see: I'll be on a train to Philadelphia tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll be spending New Year's Eve with the family b/c the next day is our xmas cousins' brunch. Then I'm back on Sunday and no family stuff for two whole weeks--then it's my niece's birthday, and yeah, I go to all of the kids' birthdays. Because.

  5. Great idea, PENolan. Cheney for sure (easy one), I'm thinking Poppy and Bar don't have much time. Kissinger. How about the death of some careers? I'd like Mitch McConnell to be outed when he's caught on his knees blowing a trannie hooker (I like to dream big). Same for Mz. Lindsay Graham.

  6. Lisa, just found your blog by way of
    Susan's. I love your writing.

    I'm not making any resolutions or lists for 2011 apart from a slight list to the left!

  7. I tend not to believe celebrities are dead until I've seen the obit in the NY or LA Times. But I don't need to be first with the news; I just need to have it to post.

    I'd go with the "Love Stinks" scene fromThe Wedding Singer, myself, if only because that's the only time I've found Adam Sandler funny.

  8. I've been so deep under during these holidays I haven't even heard the rumours of rumours. Is that a good thing? Who knows anymore!
    Happy New Year! B

  9. I didn't see the fake dead people notices. I like end of 2010 junk, cuz I'm getting old and I forget things. All kinds of people died this year that I forgot. I get to feel bad all over again. It's comforting in some weird way.

    We are watching Marx brothers movies and eating popcorn. Tomorrow is a grazing day with homemade pizza, a spinach/artichoke/chipolte dip with veggies and chicken tenders with blue cheese or bbq sauce. So mostly watching tv and eating. lol..

    Have a great one!

  10. very interesting.. it's what to expect from you Lisa... If I die.. I would like a montage of oldschool music playing accompanied by scenes of family guy.. jk.. I don't want to think about that actually..

  11. I guess the death of the political careers of Christine O'Donnell, Joe Miller, and the ultimate tea-baguette La'Palin would make me happy!

    Oh yeah; and actually winning the lottery this year for a change.

    That would be nice. :)

  12. I'm not dead, either. I check every morning. I check the mirror.... then facebook. Then I go out side and see if I can see my shadow. If all three check out... well it's at least six more weeks of jimm

  13. I find it so annoying when people die now. The media makes everyone into such a big deal and goes on for days about them. And then they do the same thing on the anniversary of the death... jeez.

  14. I haven't seen your Anti Candle fragrance list, but I'd avoid anything with Garbage Pail Juice as an ingredient.

    We ate dinner with our Redneck Next Door Neighbor (not an insult, just a fact). He had one heck of a buffet.
    Now we're just trying to stay awake, because it just seems lazy to fall asleep at this hour.

    When I die, my relatives have been instructed to throw a party. My friends have been instructed to find a hottie for my husband, because NO ONE should be alone. [Only caveat: she has to be crazy about my kid, but not "Crazy" otherwise.]

  15. I absolutely LOVE your statement: "my top ten list of things I should never suck up with the vacuum again." You gave me my last laugh of 2011! Happy New Year! :)

  16. Poof! 2010 is gone-- musta blinked.
    It was kind of a sucky year, except for the son's wedding.
    I'm ready for a new year. A new job. A new way to deal with the adult child who should have "Chaos" for a middle name?
    I lead a twitter & facebook free life, so no help from me re rumor snopes-ification.
    I'm glad Adam Sandler is alive. He's a talented guy.
    Honestly.... just would like peace, justice & decent jobs in 2011. How's that for a wish list?

  17. Used to be you only had to check the obits to see if you were still alive, now according to your post you have to check Facebook and Twitter too!! With these new standards I know I will never die. I might get a couple of notices on FB, but as I don't use Twitter, there will be Nada. I can live forever!!

  18. thanx for Ferris and Sandler links. I like boobies too. ..aroma de cleaning catshit off your shoes. ..also too bill kristol RIP.


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