Thursday, June 2, 2011

The One Where I Discuss Unruly Members of Congress


Recently, I was unfriended on Facebook by someone from my hometown because I used the proper term for the male genitals in a blog post. Apparently, that word offends some people, especially when used by liberals who are the only people who use that term according to the person who unfriended me. It's all such a silly thing, but now I know that I should warn people before they go reading this stuff and stinging their eyes with bad words. So consider yourself warned. Don't read this post if you are:
1. Under the age of 18
2. Related to me and therefore embarrassed by me and want to avoid dying of shame in your chair right now
3. Offended by words and phrases in general and by those of a somewhat sexual nature specifically
4. At work

Oh dear lord, this business about Anthony Weiner's wiener is making me crazy. How can I not address this hard issue? I am a fan of penis and have conducted extensive studies so it seems wrong to remain silent while the world is talking about this particular Member of Congress. Of course, I have my penis preferences regarding length, girth, curvature, cut, color and ability, but let's just say I haven't really seen a penis that would upset me to the point of demanding that every news organization run hour long specials on it. Well, unless you count that unfortunate situation involving Anthony Kiedis back in 1995. I contend it was his fault for wearing nothing but a sock, but the conflicting accounts make speaking about it with any certitude difficult.

So while I've been busy driving kids around trying to find someone to buy them for a decent price and brandishing fistfuls of coupons at the grocery store cashier, I gather the political media and otherwise has gotten its rocks off via close examination of this photo.

And I'm all - we're in three wars, the debt ceiling dropping chunks of plaster on Wall Street has Chicken Little squawking all over the box, fourteen gabillion people are out of work or underemployed, aliens and tornadoes are attacking the United States, kids across the nation are singing or are preparing to sing the Alice Cooper standard and it was 95 degrees at 11:19 a.m. today and you're enjoying a freak out over this allegedly tweeted photo of a dingler? Once again, our media uses all its resources to fail us in our quest for the Truth. Even a little Truth.

Go ahead and point and laugh, but make a Federal case out of it? Absurd. It's a penis. Cock. Johnson. Willie. Member. Summer Sausage. Tallywhacker. Schlong, Dong. Dick. Choad. Rod. Pickle. Wang. Prick. Chubby. Junk. The One-Eyed Wonder Worm (thank you, George Carlin).

I know. If the media is still after this story because Rep. Weiner has said too much or said not enough, then there must be something there, right? Well, certainly. There's something there and it's dressed to the left and shyly erect just the way I like my emailed and tweeted wiener. I mean, seriously, I don't mind a photo when done right and this one is minimally artistic, draped and pointing away from the camera instead of staring at you with that one demanding eye.

But is this a big deal? Why?

Oh, I hear Andrew Breitbart, of the Truth Challenged Breitbarts, is involved. A friend of his uncle's neighbor's poodle saw the Wiener tweet and alerted the ever vigilant Andy B who undoubtedly clicked the link to see the photo and, instead of winking back as required by the International Penis Protocol, shrieked like a little girl (who should never be exposed to a man's penis, FYI), clutched his pearls and made straight for CNN to report it before it could ruin economies and bring down Middle Eastern Dicktators.

Such sacrifice for his nation. As an antidote, I've been tweeting photos of my vagina to Breitbart all afternoon. Lucky him, I beautified downtown this morning and I did most of my tweeting before god punished Georgia for electing Nathan Deal as Governor by putting the state under the cosmic broiler and oh my word, I never new labia could sweat. Gee, I hope Andrew B. doesn't faint or anything. I did my best to make things extra special employing a jaunty chapeau, the plastic mustache borrowed from Mr. Potato Head, and I even cracked open the new Vajazzling kit I'd been saving for a special occasion.

So why am I spending all these words on such nonsense? Well, because my brain is seriously fried from the heat, I'm tired of being all serious and grown up and shit and because I do, in fact, really like penis. Not to put too fine a point on it, but penises are fun! Exclamation point. I'd suggest all members of Congress swan through the halls of power stark naked all the time and thus we'll become desensitized to the idea of Congressional nudity and then we won't have to waste so much media time on such things, but then Congress is kind of like Hollywood for people who either never had it in the looks department or who have fucking given up and so that's a really bad, bad, bad idea.

In the meantime, I suppose we'll endure this scandal which just isn't as much fun as Republican sex scandals because theirs possess the added element of weepy hypocrisy. They're the ones who keep bringing up Family Values and all that other bullshit coded language which essentially means People Like Us. After this dies down, we'll move on to the next one.

In the meantime, I'm waiting to see if any eyerolling media "professional" will ask the right question that has eluded them all day. I mean, it's not that damn hard. It goes like this: "Representative Weiner, have you taken photos of your penis clad only in gray boxer briefs?"

And if he answers yes, I want him to know that I, too, follow him on Twitter. (@lisagolden)

36 comments:

  1. Just saw Weiner's sort of denial on TV, a classic example of the Peter Principle.

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  2. You know my outrage over the whole scandal comes down to being jealous because I didn't receive the tweet and no one famous has ever tweeted me his penis.

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  3. Laugh out loud funny Lisa. Sorry I have been away so long and thank goodness for your words. This whole story has had me just laughing. Like Brietbart hasn't sent pics of his member all over the country to toothless rednecks hoping for a little slap and tickle. It all just makes me shake my head.

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  4. "...it's not that damn hard." Pun intended? Tee hee.

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  5. As I have been adhering to my "NO news = good news" (ban), I had no idea that this drama was occurring. I broke my ban last night with a random viewing of The Colbert Report, and left the channel on when Stephen sternly warned that the next segment was NOT for children.

    I then sat dumbfounded as the story unfolded...and saw the photo.

    I can understand the half denials, the shrugs and the mild embarrassment. It may or may not be Mr. Weiner's...PENIS...but I get that he's not denying it outright.

    Seriously. Who would be ashamed of THAT?

    I think he should just claim that it's Johnny Galecki's and be done with it altogether.

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  6. Oh please do me a favor?

    Put on a suit, stand in front of some silly old building and do this like a reporter, end with "Back to you Jon."
    Then, get this to The Daily Show. It is really too smart, and too funny, really, really funny, not to go bigger. This is the month of going big!

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  7. They'll do anything to keep us distracted from the real problems we face.

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  8. I, frankly, can't get over that this Weiner thing is about an actual weiner. It really doesn't get any better than that, does it?

    As for the friend that unfriended you, what an idiot. Good riddance. You'll have to unremember them when you're a famous Salon.com writer and winning your well-deserved awards.

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  9. Anyone else notice that all this hoo-hah about a photo of some guy's shorts is being pimped by... the Pinocchio of the American right?

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  10. Oh Jesus. Tears are running down my face. I CANNOT read you at work. Note to self.

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  11. I don't need to watch TV because you're better than TV.

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  12. Why do I always miss out on the penis. Damn it!

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  13. International Penis Protocol, IPP!

    I always call it Dick. That way I can discuss the human attached to it in many cases. I mean was there ever a more appropriate name for Mr. Cheney?

    I don't care about Mr. W's dick. I've seen a sufficient supply of them in pictures sent to me by people I know and do not know, often claiming incorrectly to be their personal dick when in fact after further research have been confirmed to be owned by somoene they don't even know! The very idea.

    It's not like he's sleeping with his employee's wife or tap dancing in a public toilet or something.*

    *I believe the whoel thing is a hateful gag.

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  14. Fran! Yes.
    Bill, Perfect!
    Little Merry Sunshine, Same here. Good luck, you may be next!
    Rick, thanks. Laughing is good, laughing out loud even better! The plot thickens. http://www.salon.com/news/politics/war_room/2011/06/02/breitbart_patriotusa_emails
    MSB - I loaded this thing with puns and "junk."
    RennRatt - You know what happends when you bring up Johnny G., right? Picture time!
    Lyra - I don't own a suit anymore. I wonder what's rocking at the Goodwill.
    Dr. MVM - Well said, sir. Yes.
    teri - this is my kind of scandal, for sure. Also, that unfriend pushed my buttons more by trying to tell me how to write than by claiming not to be political before making political statements with the cheesy haha disclaimer.
    Abu - Are you referring to Andrew B? Yes, he's in it up to his piggy eyeballs.
    averil - I'm sorry. Tell your boss that you were taking a laugh break in lieu of a coffee break BEFORE you shiv her with the paper clip.
    susan - now that's a compliment that will have me sailing through my day.
    Mommy Lisa - There's always more penis coming. Also, I need to take better notes. Mr. G. has been tossing off some great tweets that I can't remember long enough to tweet.

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  15. Charlene - Me, too. Hateful gag. And I like your straightforward approach to the name. Dick.

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  16. I had no clue another Porky's sequel was going on until today when people were posting about it.

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  17. I'm so out of it that even after looking at the photo of the three of them I have no idea which one is Weiner - well, I know it wasn't the woman in the middle. You're right, right, right about the hyper-inflated media twaddle being ridiculous. I mean it's not like it was peeking up over the waistband all purple, glistening, and wearing a name tag. Half the population is enpenised last time I looked. We all have better subjects to consider.

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  18. Would they be less offended if you used as plural "penii"???
    penis penis penis penis penis
    (sorry, couldn't stop myself)
    B

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  19. Prime example of the tale/tail wagging the dog again.

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  20. I can't be certain, but I believe "choad" is the flap of skin connecting the testicles to the penis...yes? And I can't believe someone would defriend you for using big girl terms.
    And is it wrong that the fact that the word "penis" and all it's many variations had me glued to this post? Don't judge me.

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  21. Your [former] friend is a dickwad. Nothing wrong with using the word penis. This country is largely full of inexplicably puritanical numbnuts, and the rest of us just have to laugh at their Faux self-righteousness. Plus, Jesus had a penis, I'm pretty sure.

    Penis, penis, penis, penis. Sorry. I like a good penis too.

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  22. Which reminds me . . . Friend me?

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  23. Whatever happened to the "Big Johnson" t-shirts. There a bunch of sayings about packing, driving, etc a Big Johnson.

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  24. The Weiner kerfuffle made me rather happy we're on vacation in the middle of nowhere with minimal exposure to the MSM. About the only news we've been hearing is from NPR.

    I've always been baffled by the ignorant puritanical types who freak out over words that are actual words, like "penis" or "vagina." It's like waving a huge sign saying "I'm an illiterate fool, and proud of it." But I guess when someone is truly a fucktard, that person is sufficiently brain dead that he or she doesn't know he or she is a fucktard.

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  25. The psychologist in me was marking every red flag as I watched this story unfold. Distinct avoidance stuttering in narratives. Eye contact was bewildering, reminded me oddly of Sarah Palin and her dippy ignorant rendering of Paul Revere's ride where she seemed to totally miss the part where he was supposedly ranting about "The British are coming!"

    And then, a co-worker told me, "You should see his wife! She is gorgeous!" And I kept wondering what the hell THAT had to do with anything. I mean both John E and Arnold S had nice looking wives...

    This led me to wonder about Sarah and Mr. Weiner as a potential couple. Which is just the way my brain works in the Summertime when it is too damn hot to even moderately consider a penis...

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  26. My mother used to refer to my private parts as 'peetail' and 'poop tail'.

    No matter how hard I looked, I never found a tail in either place. I seriously thought that something was wrong with me.

    I insist on using the correct terminology with Nooze. I don't want her worrying that she's somehow defective.

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  27. Um....

    "Recently, I was unfriended on Facebook by someone from my hometown because I used the proper term for the male genitals in a blog post."

    Are you kidding me? That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my whole life.

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  28. The whole thing is just silly. I don't see how a clothed penis is even worth a denial.

    And since my family played he penis game at Thanksgiving - we certainly are raising a generation which will not have a problem using proper nouns!

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  29. Lisa, what else would you expect from a weiner?

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  30. Well, you couldn't exactly call it a wee-wee, because apparently Rep. Weiner is packing. That said, how fucking stupid can he be? Christ, I thought he was smarter than the others. Oh well, he won't be mayor of NY--some other dick will win (yeah, meant it).
    The only good thing about this bullshit is this: republicans want to taunt him, but you know they are in awe. I wonder how many will stand a bit to close to him now. They are republicans, after all.

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  31. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard, out loud!

    You. Are. Brilliant.

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  32. Sorry, this was posted under the wrong post...
    Wonderful article, but I think it misses a significant point...it's not just what the picture was...it was the fact that this married Congressman was doing it with someone other than his wife (and now we know with multiple someones).

    I know people will say it's a private matter, he's an adult, should not be involved in his personal business...but he's an elected official who asks people to vote for him, give him power, based on who he is...well, now we know. It was private til he made it public, then tried to cover it up. He was perfectly willing to stand by while others were accused of perpetrating this "hack" on him...if he'd lie about this, what wouldn't he lie about? And if it's not something to be ashamed of doing, why lie at all? Why not just say yeah i did it..I enjoy doing it....

    How many of you out there would give a pass to your significant other if you caught them doing this? And then lying about it, and trying to portray yourself as a victim of character assassination...turns out he's a victim of character definition

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And then you say....

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