Thursday, June 2, 2011
The One Where I Discuss Unruly Members of Congress
Recently, I was unfriended on Facebook by someone from my hometown because I used the proper term for the male genitals in a blog post. Apparently, that word offends some people, especially when used by liberals who are the only people who use that term according to the person who unfriended me. It's all such a silly thing, but now I know that I should warn people before they go reading this stuff and stinging their eyes with bad words. So consider yourself warned. Don't read this post if you are:
1. Under the age of 18
2. Related to me and therefore embarrassed by me and want to avoid dying of shame in your chair right now
3. Offended by words and phrases in general and by those of a somewhat sexual nature specifically
4. At work
Oh dear lord, this business about Anthony Weiner's wiener is making me crazy. How can I not address this hard issue? I am a fan of penis and have conducted extensive studies so it seems wrong to remain silent while the world is talking about this particular Member of Congress. Of course, I have my penis preferences regarding length, girth, curvature, cut, color and ability, but let's just say I haven't really seen a penis that would upset me to the point of demanding that every news organization run hour long specials on it. Well, unless you count that unfortunate situation involving Anthony Kiedis back in 1995. I contend it was his fault for wearing nothing but a sock, but the conflicting accounts make speaking about it with any certitude difficult.
So while I've been busy driving kids around trying to find someone to buy them for a decent price and brandishing fistfuls of coupons at the grocery store cashier, I gather the political media and otherwise has gotten its rocks off via close examination of this photo.
And I'm all - we're in three wars, the debt ceiling dropping chunks of plaster on Wall Street has Chicken Little squawking all over the box, fourteen gabillion people are out of work or underemployed, aliens and tornadoes are attacking the United States, kids across the nation are singing or are preparing to sing the Alice Cooper standard and it was 95 degrees at 11:19 a.m. today and you're enjoying a freak out over this allegedly tweeted photo of a dingler? Once again, our media uses all its resources to fail us in our quest for the Truth. Even a little Truth.
Go ahead and point and laugh, but make a Federal case out of it? Absurd. It's a penis. Cock. Johnson. Willie. Member. Summer Sausage. Tallywhacker. Schlong, Dong. Dick. Choad. Rod. Pickle. Wang. Prick. Chubby. Junk. The One-Eyed Wonder Worm (thank you, George Carlin).
I know. If the media is still after this story because Rep. Weiner has said too much or said not enough, then there must be something there, right? Well, certainly. There's something there and it's dressed to the left and shyly erect just the way I like my emailed and tweeted wiener. I mean, seriously, I don't mind a photo when done right and this one is minimally artistic, draped and pointing away from the camera instead of staring at you with that one demanding eye.
But is this a big deal? Why?
Oh, I hear Andrew Breitbart, of the Truth Challenged Breitbarts, is involved. A friend of his uncle's neighbor's poodle saw the Wiener tweet and alerted the ever vigilant Andy B who undoubtedly clicked the link to see the photo and, instead of winking back as required by the International Penis Protocol, shrieked like a little girl (who should never be exposed to a man's penis, FYI), clutched his pearls and made straight for CNN to report it before it could ruin economies and bring down Middle Eastern Dicktators.
Such sacrifice for his nation. As an antidote, I've been tweeting photos of my vagina to Breitbart all afternoon. Lucky him, I beautified downtown this morning and I did most of my tweeting before god punished Georgia for electing Nathan Deal as Governor by putting the state under the cosmic broiler and oh my word, I never new labia could sweat. Gee, I hope Andrew B. doesn't faint or anything. I did my best to make things extra special employing a jaunty chapeau, the plastic mustache borrowed from Mr. Potato Head, and I even cracked open the new Vajazzling kit I'd been saving for a special occasion.
So why am I spending all these words on such nonsense? Well, because my brain is seriously fried from the heat, I'm tired of being all serious and grown up and shit and because I do, in fact, really like penis. Not to put too fine a point on it, but penises are fun! Exclamation point. I'd suggest all members of Congress swan through the halls of power stark naked all the time and thus we'll become desensitized to the idea of Congressional nudity and then we won't have to waste so much media time on such things, but then Congress is kind of like Hollywood for people who either never had it in the looks department or who have fucking given up and so that's a really bad, bad, bad idea.
In the meantime, I suppose we'll endure this scandal which just isn't as much fun as Republican sex scandals because theirs possess the added element of weepy hypocrisy. They're the ones who keep bringing up Family Values and all that other bullshit coded language which essentially means People Like Us. After this dies down, we'll move on to the next one.
In the meantime, I'm waiting to see if any eyerolling media "professional" will ask the right question that has eluded them all day. I mean, it's not that damn hard. It goes like this: "Representative Weiner, have you taken photos of your penis clad only in gray boxer briefs?"
And if he answers yes, I want him to know that I, too, follow him on Twitter. (@lisagolden)