The One Where I Discuss Unruly Members of Congress

Recently, I was unfriended on Facebook by someone from my hometown because I used the proper term for the male genitals in a blog post. Apparently, that word offends some people, especially when used by liberals who are the only people who use that term according to the person who unfriended me. It's all such a silly thing, but now I know that I should warn people before they go reading this stuff and stinging their eyes with bad words. So consider yourself warned. Don't read this post if you are:
1. Under the age of 18
2. Related to me and therefore embarrassed by me and want to avoid dying of shame in your chair right now
3. Offended by words and phrases in general and by those of a somewhat sexual nature specifically
4. At work

Oh dear lord, this business about Anthony Weiner's wiener is making me crazy. How can I not address this hard issue? I am a fan of penis and have conducted extensive studies so it seems wrong to remain silent while the world is talking about this particular Member of Congress. Of course, I have my penis preferences regarding length, girth, curvature, cut, color and ability, but let's just say I haven't really seen a penis that would upset me to the point of demanding that every news organization run hour long specials on it. Well, unless you count that unfortunate situation involving Anthony Kiedis back in 1995. I contend it was his fault for wearing nothing but a sock, but the conflicting accounts make speaking about it with any certitude difficult.

So while I've been busy driving kids around trying to find someone to buy them for a decent price and brandishing fistfuls of coupons at the grocery store cashier, I gather the political media and otherwise has gotten its rocks off via close examination of this photo.

And I'm all - we're in three wars, the debt ceiling dropping chunks of plaster on Wall Street has Chicken Little squawking all over the box, fourteen gabillion people are out of work or underemployed, aliens and tornadoes are attacking the United States, kids across the nation are singing or are preparing to sing the Alice Cooper standard and it was 95 degrees at 11:19 a.m. today and you're enjoying a freak out over this allegedly tweeted photo of a dingler? Once again, our media uses all its resources to fail us in our quest for the Truth. Even a little Truth.

Go ahead and point and laugh, but make a Federal case out of it? Absurd. It's a penis. Cock. Johnson. Willie. Member. Summer Sausage. Tallywhacker. Schlong, Dong. Dick. Choad. Rod. Pickle. Wang. Prick. Chubby. Junk. The One-Eyed Wonder Worm (thank you, George Carlin).

I know. If the media is still after this story because Rep. Weiner has said too much or said not enough, then there must be something there, right? Well, certainly. There's something there and it's dressed to the left and shyly erect just the way I like my emailed and tweeted wiener. I mean, seriously, I don't mind a photo when done right and this one is minimally artistic, draped and pointing away from the camera instead of staring at you with that one demanding eye.

But is this a big deal? Why?

Oh, I hear Andrew Breitbart, of the Truth Challenged Breitbarts, is involved. A friend of his uncle's neighbor's poodle saw the Wiener tweet and alerted the ever vigilant Andy B who undoubtedly clicked the link to see the photo and, instead of winking back as required by the International Penis Protocol, shrieked like a little girl (who should never be exposed to a man's penis, FYI), clutched his pearls and made straight for CNN to report it before it could ruin economies and bring down Middle Eastern Dicktators.

Such sacrifice for his nation. As an antidote, I've been tweeting photos of my vagina to Breitbart all afternoon. Lucky him, I beautified downtown this morning and I did most of my tweeting before god punished Georgia for electing Nathan Deal as Governor by putting the state under the cosmic broiler and oh my word, I never new labia could sweat. Gee, I hope Andrew B. doesn't faint or anything. I did my best to make things extra special employing a jaunty chapeau, the plastic mustache borrowed from Mr. Potato Head, and I even cracked open the new Vajazzling kit I'd been saving for a special occasion.

So why am I spending all these words on such nonsense? Well, because my brain is seriously fried from the heat, I'm tired of being all serious and grown up and shit and because I do, in fact, really like penis. Not to put too fine a point on it, but penises are fun! Exclamation point. I'd suggest all members of Congress swan through the halls of power stark naked all the time and thus we'll become desensitized to the idea of Congressional nudity and then we won't have to waste so much media time on such things, but then Congress is kind of like Hollywood for people who either never had it in the looks department or who have fucking given up and so that's a really bad, bad, bad idea.

In the meantime, I suppose we'll endure this scandal which just isn't as much fun as Republican sex scandals because theirs possess the added element of weepy hypocrisy. They're the ones who keep bringing up Family Values and all that other bullshit coded language which essentially means People Like Us. After this dies down, we'll move on to the next one.

In the meantime, I'm waiting to see if any eyerolling media "professional" will ask the right question that has eluded them all day. I mean, it's not that damn hard. It goes like this: "Representative Weiner, have you taken photos of your penis clad only in gray boxer briefs?"

And if he answers yes, I want him to know that I, too, follow him on Twitter. (@lisagolden)

Black Magpie Theory: Of Angels and Angles

DCup is running her mouth again.  What do you want to bet she's stirring up trouble, too?

Since I can't manage to keep her bound and gagged all the time, I'm just going to take the day off.  I've got blogs to read, a book to write and my toenails need fresh polish.  I've got a date tomorrow with some hot young men.

While you're at Black Magpie Theory reading DCup, be sure to check out the other great writing.  It's an embarrassment of snark riches.

Did you like how I assumed?  That's me pretending to me confident.

Oh, and don't worry about DCup.  I hear she likes that bound and gagged thing.  Sometimes.

Oh what the hell.....The Return of DCup

Holy cats, look who's escaped from her box. It's my old alter ego DCup. And guess what she's writing about? Not her sorry ass children, I can tell you that. Nope, she just tore the head off a co-worker who was bitching about paying taxes. As anyone who knows her would expect, DCup hurled invectives and suggested the co-worker and anyone who hates government and thinks we should have a world with no taxes move to Somalia where there are no taxes nor evil government nor the silly-ass services provided by said evil government with its neck-stomping regulations. "After about two weeks there, try to send us a postcard or email and let us know how you're faring, okay?" DCup chuckled and then ducked as her co-worker hurled her own invectives and a heavy paperweight to make her point.

So what does DCup have to say? Let's find out.....

Hello, again. Long time no cleavage peeking. Want to have a little fun? And no, I don't mean that kind of fun.

Although I am not into the preachin' to the choir so much anymore, there are moments when I am so fed up with the bullshit nonsense coming from the Right that I can't just sit on my hands. Besides, in my current state of mind, sitting on my hands might prove to be too stimulating, if you know what I mean....Anyway, I have two things for y'all, especially those who are still blogging the political:

(1) PLEASE stop portraying white southerners as crazy. We may celebrate our crazies down here instead of locking them in the basement, attic or back bedroom with the flea-ridden cats like we did in the Midwest, but not all southern whites are racists, idiots or crazy.

If they, as a group, support Republicans and dumbass Republican ideology, even though they don't really know what that entails, it has much more to do with the fact that they are pumped full of rightwing propaganda all day long. There is no escaping it.

You can't swing a cat without hitting a television blaring Fox News. (Apologies to the cat.) All the local radio is of a rightwing nature and they carry Beck, O'Reilly, Hannity, Boortz, etc. Heck, MathMan and I got a good laugh over a billboard for a recently-launched talk radio channel that has the words "Tired of Boortz" emblazoned in gigantic letters across it...except, and this is the funny part, the picture of the "new" talker is (drumroll, please!) Don Imus!!!!!!!!! I'll wait while you finish rolling around on the floor, laughing your ass off.

You mean to tell me, DCup, that in the huge Atlanta radio market, the antidote to listening to the extended play version of the Fox News Channel "talent" is Dr. Laura, Don Imus, and Mancow Mueller? Oh, I shit you not. And if that isn't enough diversity of thought for you - how about some Laura Ingraham, Dennis Miller and some doof named Lou Dobbs?!?!? Makes you all tingly with the spirit of free thought, dudnit?

And it's not just the mass media. The propaganda is delivered in other places, as well. Nevermind the ravings of the misinformed in every beauty shop, autobody place, farm and feed store, lumberyard and senior center. I'm talking about another organized group.

The preachers preach the right wing propaganda from their pulpits. The reason they do this is two fold, but mostly hinges on their need to grow their flocks and keep them tossing their coins into the passed plate.

Listen - sex sells, even in church. Who the fuck wants to go listen to some cross-eyed minister rambling on incessantly about charitable works and following Jesus? Let's hear about how he isn't supposed to be putting his dick in her. If there's no pussy and dick shaming in church, then what's the point? If all anyone wants is good works, they can stay home and watch Feed the Children commercials on Sunday morning.

I kid. Mostly. The point is, if it all comes down to money, the churches need butts in pews. Sex and shaming does indeed sell because you can sit and repent for lusting after your neighbor's teenage son (not that I would know) or for getting a boner while watching the woman run her sexy red fingernails over the toffee colored Berber in the carpet commercial. And you know, there's plenty of repenting to be done for all that porn surfing. Hell, I'm amazed that no one has figured out yet that we can cut out the middle man by putting a donate button for your choice of the mega churches on YouPorn or Pornhub. Now that's efficient and soul saving!

If you think about it, the government is in direct conflict with organized religion. They compete for the same audience and customers. Lately, again not that I would know because I don't attend church, but not knowing about something isn't about to stop me from having an opinion on it now, I would bet (if I had any money) that there are houses of worship that would like to take the place of government when it comes to delivering all kinds of services.

Now, I don't mean to bash the religions for providing services, but don't kid us - there is an ulterior motive. Just like I'm significantly nicer to my parents when I owe them money, if you've done good works for someone, they are likely to look upon you favorably. And being looked upon favorably is much better than be disrespectd, dismissed or, worse, ignored. And then there's that whole motivation of wanting to get into heaven. Now that's motivation!

So - did you get all that? The white South is Republican, in large part, because they aren't exposed to other thought. It's pretty damned simple. And what's more, they are exposed to thought that not only pumps up selected portions of the rightwing agenda through continuous and gratuitous propaganda. But that same propaganda and the noise machine that produces and distributes it also has the dual goal of tearing down liberals and progressive ideas. You don't have one without the other. Down here, liberal is still a dirty word. And why? Because for years and years, Southerners have been told that liberal is bad. And not just bad, but kicking puppies bad. Kitten skinning bad. Baby-killing and fricasseeing bad. Jesus hating bad.

Bad.

Get the picture? Good. Now sally forth with your good arguments, but stop assuming that white Southerners vote against their best interests because they are crazy. They are not crazy. They are ill-informed, or worse, actively and constantly mis-informed. Painting them with the crazy brush and deriding them isn't going to win them over. Saying "fuck them nutters" isn't going to do any good either because enough of them vote and tell their cousins how to vote to keep this country from ever moving forward. We don't need that. Liberals and progressives have good ideas. They just need to get them out there, despite the rightwing seizure of the media. Don't make the mistake of starting out with a sucker punch to your audience because this fight is about winning in the long run, not in the short one.

Okay, next item on the agenda is this - a perfect example of exactly why we should stay vigilant, not against the crazy, but against the mis-informed. I got this from a blazing rightwinger contact of mine. It's a survey that claims to be "unbiased" except if you look carefully at the intro email, it refers to our President by one word - Obama. Now, I wonder if the person who put this together would have been one who would have been quick to point out that when addressing former President George W. Bush, one should use his proper title, at least in the first mention of him. Unbiased must mean different things to different people.

So go ahead, vote in this unbiased poll (you'll see why I want you to as soon as you click on the link, vote and see the current results.) Ultimately, it's neither here nor there and I'm about to go back to my hole in the ground and pretend that everyone is crazy and I'm bored with it, but please, political bloggers, remember what I said here. And all of you go vote. And then, if you're so inclined, pass on this little "unbiased" poll. You know, for shits and giggles only.

Thank you for your time.

Love,
DCup

Thank you, DCup. It's been too long.........