Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I want to cover every inch of you like ink on paper

 A few reasons why my blogging mojo fled the scene.

1. The long weekend meant that all my verbal ninja skills were devoted to those lunatics with whom I live.

2. I painted my nails a fabulous shade of red and it took a long time for the polish to dry. While I waited, I noticed that the blades of the ceiling fan appeared to have grown fur. While I was standing on the bed wiping down the fan blades, I saw that one of the lightbulbs was out so I went to the basement to get a new bulb. While I was in the basement, I heard the buzzer on the dryer go off......you see where this is going, right?

3. I share a computer with three other people and a cat with an online gambling habit.

4. My office chair makes squeaky fart sounds every time I move which means that MathMan says "Nice one" every time. Which means I lose my temper after the twenty-sixth nice one  and must tackle him and dangle spit over his face which means the kids hear the ruckus and call Grandma to tell on me because they always assume I'm the problem which means my mother calls me on the house phone because she doesn't believe in cell phones which means I have to climb off MathMan reminding him that since I won't be able to torture him further I will instead call takebacks on the sex we had that morning which means he says no takebacks on sex, but it's too late because I'm already on my way to the living room to answer the phone where my mother proceeds to ground me which means I remind her that I'm an adult and she can't really ground me to which she says "Don't sass me, missy, unless you want to be grounded for another week."

5. MathMan and I went for a power walk and he made me do lunges and squats. Three times. No, that wasn't the sex, but I could see ways we could combine these things.

6. The long weekend had been long enough by 2pm Monday, but no one would listen to me when I announced that we were moving on with our week.
6.1 It rained so I had to go outside and dance in it.
6.2 The tornado sirens went off so I had to do a quick clean of the house because if we're going to be blown to bits by nature, we're going to start from clean by golly.

7.  I got sucked into watching How the States Got Their Shapes on History Channel. It's like crack covered donuts with a side of fries dipped in chocolate Frosty.

8. I started using Pinterest.

9. I hit the bottom again on being depressed about not being able to find a job and so I did what I do when presented with an unmovable obstacle. I rage. I have a lot of rage about this and hence I raged long and loudly. With jazz hands. And props.

10. This song. Over and over. And over again.

Now I have to go research setting up a phone sex hotline because that is looking like my only viable option to pull in some meaningful amounts of cash. What will you do with your short week, my loves?


  1. PINTEREST! (I'm sorry. Mostly for that not being a stand-alone comment. Also, as you may have guessed, I am on Pinterest.)

    Oh and also, you make me laugh. But you already knew that. :)

  2. You could do well with phone sex.

  3. Wow, I'm exhausted after reading this. However, once you get 1-555-2DO-LISA up and going, I'll spend some of my short week there.


  4. Funny you should bring that up. An old friend of mine is now in a monogamous relationship with a woman who operates a sex phone. She makes some SERIOUS money. You should really look into it. Plus, I'm sure it would be great fodder for your writing.

  5. What will you do with your short week, my loves?
    My weeks are all the same length. How do you shorten a week, do you hem them or cut with an axe??

    Stupid spellchecker says axe is not a word but 'axes' and 'axed' are!!

  6. Wow, sounds like you had a very busy weekend.

    I used to know a girl that made very good money with phone sex...too bad I could never bring myself to say those kinds of things!

    What am I doing this week? Sleeping, reading, and writing.

  7. I love you!. I wanted to shout YES, several times, while I read this. That #2 is exactly how I do things--drives HWMNBMOTI nuts because he claims I never get anything done if I keep getting distracted.

    I definitely think you could make the phone sex fly. Charge 10 cents less a minute than those 900 numbers and do some advertising and you should make a fortune.

  8. Phone sex! Why didn't I think of that? Picture me with jazz hands, Lisa, and a new career.

    Wanna go halfsies on the 900 number?

  9. As long as Mathman doesn't ask you to combine sex with squat thrusts. Probably just end up in a hospital bed.

    We're supposed to do stuff with short weeks?

  10. There ought ought to be a name for the Pandora's box of sub-problems that pop up when ever you try to get one thing done. All I wanted to do yesterday was vacuum the dust off of the refrigerator coils on my dad's refrigerator, but thanks to his disorganization five other things had to be done just to get back to the original task. ARRRRGHH!

  11. The picture I got of your having to get off MathMan so you could tell your mother that you were an adult so she could try grounding you for two weeks is priceless.

    Have you considered teaming with Roseann Barr?

  12. damn, i tried to make this play so i could listen while i wrote my wise words to you but it clicked off when it went to the page..... and wow, it's like spring over here, love your new look even if it's the page and not your new clothes..... ;)

    i had to laugh uproariously at your tirade here and your mother's "tone" -- Don't sass me, missy-- i am not one to use "missy" nor "sass" as i am a california girl and we don't usually sound like mississippi(i actually had to recite that like a third grader to spell it rite) so thanks for that, my dear little housewife...

    you are a clean freak to questionable proportions if you don't run like hell at the mere HINT of a tornado siren...if we had sirens every time this damn house shook as i live ON TOP OF a fault line, i think i would praise God or something....not reach for the SOS pads.... that's how bad it is but it's our secret......

    to remember all you wrote means i need to go back and forth, losing my comment each time and that's just too much so i will simply say i am with you, truly i am, i just don't work much so i am used to it...as you get older thus wiser, you will see the wisdom in being poor but having time to sit and meditate upon the dirt and ants.....and lack of sex. it frees you to a certain degree that leaves you energy to watch more of that television show that i now have to go find....i spent the weekend, truly i did, watching dance moms...i didn't cap that nor italicize as i wouldn't want it noticed, i am so ashamed. must stop with this drivel...be well. where's the clicker? damn.... with love too....

  13. You are so funny.

    Okay number 3 - this is becoming a big problem with my kids - thank God they go back to school tomorrow.

  14. facebook, pinterest, phone sex...well no wonder. Now don't get sassy with me!

  15. My blogging skills have been deserting me regularly ever since I started and since I don't even share a computer I have no excuse at all. Typically, I'll start researching one topic and before I know it 6 hours have gone by while I have 15 tabs open to places where I've discovered so much weird stuff I'm too exhausted to try to weave even a few of them into a decent post. I won't even talk about my bookmark list.

    I just checked out your 'pintopia' and found 2 of my little paintings. That was very nice.

    Is is a short week? They all go by too fast for me.

  16. #2 LOL! Phone sex sounds like an interesting idea.

  17. I'm not the biggest person on chores, but when I need to write, I clean EVERYTHING. I mean, I wipe down desks, walls, computer screens...I've even been known to clean bathroom floors with toothbrushes...

  18. Phone sex? People still do phone sex? Perverts still exist who don't have an internet connection?

  19. Thanks to you and this hilarious post, I went to the How the States Got Their Shape site and picked up some nifty facts about states. Also, I am now more closely monitoring my cats' internet usage. You can never be too careful!

  20. I shall press enter a lot, sputter inappropriate language at varying levels, bake, and do my best not to slam the skull of a certain co-worker into our warehouse forklift.

    Oh, and pressing pause on the TV remote a lot. The Season premiere of SOA is tonight; I love me some Tig. :)

  21. How about "Phone Jokes"? : )

    thanks for your visits to my small & simple blog... I don't "get around" much because only net access at work, busy + some things blocked.
    you're terrific

  22. Sounds like my day every day - except for the spit thing.

  23. Glorioski this was funny. Especially the ones that sound like they are supposed to be said all in one impossibly long breath.


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