Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Unemployment Diary: Call me

Fun fact: A turnkey operation for that phone sex hotline will cost $799 set up fee plus $50 a month in maintenance fees. All I need is a home phone (got it) and a preamble which identifies the line and the cost per minute. Billing begins in three seconds...

And I'm going to have to create a marketing strategy.

This idea is taking shape. A question remains:  Will I be able to do get through a call without laughing? The websites I've researched stress a level of professionalism and good customer service to ensure repeat customers and word of mouth marketing. Really? Do people, guys mostly, I suppose, discuss their phone sex calls? I'm going to have to do some reconnaissance on this. Maybe do a Joyce Hyser like in Just One of the Guys. I guess I'll listen in at bars, the gym, the grocery store. Maybe the local barber shop?

Looks like I'm going to have to improve my game. I can imagine all kinds of things going wrong.(dream waves go here)

Oh, yeah, baby. Yes, right there. Mmmm. Oh, one second. (Stage whisper) Sophie, Daddy will have to help you with that math homework when he gets home.  Ooooh, yeah. Do you like that?(Note to self: Lock door)

Or ....

You want me to say what? Um...okay. But do I have to say it in that Edith Bunker voice again? (Note to self: Rehearse!)


Tell me how you like it.  What? No, not your hamburger. MathMan! get off the line! (Note to self: No second extension for the business line.)


And then I take your ..... shit, I've lost my notes, what do you like me to call your thing again? (Note to self: Get a whiteboard. And markers.)


Yes, you can call me Dcup, Senator. I mean, darling. Senator darling. (Note to self: Confidentiality rules. Remember them.)


Mmmmm, what? Oh that? It's my new sex toy. It does? It sounds like a mixer? Well, that's interesting. You just keep going, while I pop this cake into the oven.... (Note to self: No multitasking unless the customer requests it.)

It's also been suggested to me that I might want to update my look for the marketing material. Really? Color my hair? Botox the crinkles? Loofah the cellulite? Wouldn't it just be easier to use photos of my younger, more nubile self? I'm still that flexible hottie on the inside. Or a graphic. Why not just a graphic? Like my old DCup avatar? (Let's not discuss how old that thing is.)

What do you think? Maybe I'd better research the ethics of this. I mean, what is not sexy about this?

Would have been better if the sour cream weren't fat free. 

Okay, maybe my adviser has a point. And even though I sound quite young on the phone, won't callers figure out pretty quickly that someone with my experience would have to be at least ...... oh nevermind. I'm overthinking this.

First things first. I'll see if I can do this kind of work for someone else. It that works out, then I'll get my own line.

As I mull this over, aside from the initial investment and the fact that I will finally be paid for my sex work, there's little reason to prevent me from giving this a try. It's rather like I've been in training for it for the last oh so many years.  And here's another upside to it:  Reading erotica can now be considered research and prep instead of just that thing I do when no one is around to hear the buzzing.......


  1. William Zabka's on line two, wants to know if he can sweep your leg. (shit, wrong movie, but you know what I mean).

    As a guy, I can safely say that out of the two or three other guys I know (what one gets for being employed in the library), none of them have ever admitted to calling a phone sex line.

    Bonne chance competing against all that free internets porn.

  2. I agree with Randal re: the competition, so perhaps it would be best not to make the full investment until you've scoped the market.

  3. I couldn't look you in the eye if we ever met if we had phone sex first, because I like to get really freaky when I call phone sex lines. Not that I call phone sex lines anymore...wait, I didn't mean to say 'anymore.' Shit. Just assume I never called a phone sex line, not even when I lived alone and could afford to do so.

  4. Specialize, that's the secret of the sex trade ...

    How are you at impressions?
    Maybe try:

    Whoopie Goldberg
    Jessica Rabbet
    Snow White
    Cruella Deville
    Rosie Perez

    Nancy Reagan
    Fran Drescher
    Jennifer Tilly
    Phyllis Diller
    Sarah Palin

    And link to anything Republican ... you'll be a hit.

  5. Ah mah Gah. So funny.
    I'm reminded of the Robert Altman film Short Cuts, where the woman is giving very explicit S & M instructions to a caller while holding the phone against her ear with her shoulder so she can continue to fold laundry.

  6. Ooh ooh, and then you write about it after and charge for that! Haven't you seen Diary of a Callgirl on HBO??? Surely your cake-baking, MathMan and child maneuverings, and house caretaking will be way more exciting than some boring callgirl getting it on with her boyfriend. Bring it, baby! (seriously)

  7. Forget the naysayers. I think this might make you millions. As for how to keep a straight face, I think it's best to do drudge work as you whisper all those naughty words and phrases into the receiver. Scrubbing the brown ring around your toilet with a bristled brush while cooing oh, yes, give it to me! should keep you fairly level headed. Whatever you do, don't stop cleaning. It'll definitely be your downfall.

  8. Do some market research -- have someone male call one and see what the first $20 worth of time is like. I've heard the typical script manages to kill quite a bit of time with inanities without ever getting into, so, you'd like a woman to what?! The secret to keeping a straight face is to follow a script, just like selling aluminum siding or time share condos. And don't use your own photo -- none of those phone sites do. If men ever realized just how many of the "hot barely legal blondes" are actually women old enough to be their grandmothers, they'd never have an erection again.

  9. That was one of the jobs Diablo Cody had...her prep was that she created characters and she was alerted to which one was selected somehow. From what I recall anyway...I read the book a couple of years ago.

  10. I had no idea that setting up a sex line was so expensive. I'm guessing it's because of the 900#?

    You could always take notes during the calls, and write off your portion of the phone charges as "research" for your next novel.

    Now that I think about it, I'd WANT to read that book!

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  12. Maybe you could try the Scheherazade option. Give them just enough to get them interested and tell them to come back tomorrow for the finish. It's a tried and true method of getting return business.

  13. Okay. So funny. So, so funny.
    You know, the Daily Show has their man-on-the-street reporters. Perhaps you need to be the creating-jobs-are-we? reporter.

    Step away from the phone, Lisa.

  14. besides watching the housewives of BH, just in case we also share this excellent intellectual property of bravo tv.....i was reading this over and over and chuckling, giggling, musing over what would be just perfectly raunchy to say here....however...i guess i'm not ranchy i mean raunchy i mean sexy enough tonight....give me another couple of days[and this new cream i have....], i'll get back to you on it...... i do think that photo is very hot. even to me and that's just between us.........

  15. I am just flummoxed reading all the go girl, it sounds like a hoot to me. Just remember to stick to some kind of script so you can stretch things out (!) and keep them coming back for more. Research is the!

  16. Yea but on the flip side, bring your child to work day would be *awkward* at best.

    Ugh! How about having to report it to unemployment.
    How would you fill out that form?

    Type of work?

    Recreational consultant???

    Could heavy breathing be considered respiratory

  17. I think I'm going to call you....

  18. Turn this post into a creative piece - the notes to self on their own would make a fab flash fiction - and send it somewhere.

  19. You'll need a dedicated phone line for your phone sex bidness. Don't use your home landline. That way you won't confuse who's calling and why. Altho, that could be interesting a fodder for writing.

  20. This made me laugh so hard. I'll be your first customer, looking for story ideas and snippets of dialogue.

    I'm with Bill. You could be, like, a prize for the Republican campaign contributors. Of course, you're a chick so that might be a problem. . . .

  21. BUWAHAHAHAHA! I love your interrupted calls... You're perfect for this... as for ethics... I think you really don't even have to have YOU in the photo... I mean if you use somebody else, I'm sure you need permission... ask a shy young hottie. it will be like Cerano... sort of.

  22. Hilarious. And it seems kind of old-fashioned and quaint to think of people still calling phone sex lines, what with online porn and video/Skype porn. I'm picturing some dapper, silver-haired men turning away from their computers and picking up their phones with an aura of quiet dignity.

    Hey, if they all think that they're calling 18-year-old DDD-cup bimbos, then for your own sanity, you should be able to imagine them in any way you want. :)

  23. I agree with Nan all the way. Creating characters and scripts is also a good idea for increasing the income. Did you see Ann Hathaway playing a phone sex character in Valentines Day? And I remember the Alman movie, too. Pretty funny!

  24. Brilliant! Your post - and the comments - totally made my morning. I echo the others who say skip your own photo. Is there an for naughty pics? And clean with a script nearby! Writing fodder indeed!


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