Monday, December 12, 2011

Adventures in Real Parenting: Intense

My youngest daughter and I were watching television when this commercial came on.

She cleared her throat and said, "Okay, so I get the message that it's supposed to enhance satisfaction, whatever that means, but what exactly is the point of KY?"

Blink, blink.

"Rub your hands together. See how that friction feels?"

"Uh huh."

"Okay, now imagine if you were to put some lubrication like oil on your hands, what would happen?"

She looked at her hands for a moment then said, "There would be less friction."

"Right. Do you need me to explain further? You know, you make your own. When a woman is sexually aroused---"

She cut me off. "You can stop right there. The last time we had a conversation like this, you ended up telling me about nipple clamps."

"Oh. Right. Hey, you started it. Did you need me to explain what they mean by satisfaction?"

Under her breath. "My future therapist is going to be one busy person."


  1. LOL. I think we've had similar conversations here at Chez Journey. And that would be why my boys stopped watching television with me!

  2. Ha ha! I'd say I've been in that exact position before, but Slim would cringe and cry out, "Jesus Christ, Mom, phrasing!" It's a fine line, isn't it? Being open and honest or just plain TMI.

  3. A few weeks ago, Moriah asked Lisa what masturbation was. Which led to a discussion of orgasms.

    As long as she didn't tell the child they were the reason Dad took longer in the shower than he should, it's all good, I suppose.

  4. Good for you, Lisa, the unflinching mom! Did you see the article in the Times Mag the other week about sex-positive ed?

    Sidebar: the pictures for the article were taken by a teenaged photographer from, where else, Portland!

  5. Your daughter made a good joke there....

    Good of you to actually explain it. I think she really wanted to know, right? So you told her.

    Humor makes it less awkward--good for you both.

  6. Fergawdsakes! What are you doing getting are real, truthful and factual?

    She's supposed to learn about stuff from the movies, TV, video games, comic books, high school friends and that sort of creepy boy/girl down the street.

    And when she's older, there are terrific places for research ... biker-cowboy-jock-military-cop- lesbian-gay bars. And don't forget, standard issue pick up bars.

    (Clown bars are not recommended.)

  7. Real 'Murkins start talking about Jebus when these mom-ents occur, Lisa!

  8. If she didn't need a therapist in the future then you'd have failed as a parent. ;o)

  9. I am laughing so much right now. Your daughter is a hoot. Reminds me of the time I got on a rant with my kids and started talking about mutual masterbation...

    I sent that kinked article to my kids.

  10. You owe me a keyboard...

    That was outstanding!

  11. :-)

    Honey, you described it as I would've. :-)


  12. Oh my word! Thank you for the best laugh I've had all damn day. I really needed that.

  13. You're an awesome mom!

  14. i had several thoughts but the prevailing overarching theme of them all is I AM SO GLAD I HAVE GROWN KIDS! :)

  15. My policy is the same as my mum's: Don't ask if you don't want to know.

    That's all well and good unless the conversation begins with "Well, your father and I..."

  16. I hope your daughter's future boyfriends can cope with all this... knowledge!

  17. Just where in the conversation about the birds and the bees do the "nipple clamps" belong???

  18. OMG, I have to say I don't know how I would have handled discussing sex with my children...lucky I didn't have any! :-)

  19. OMG, I have to say I don't know how I would have handled discussing sex with my children...lucky I didn't have any! :-)

  20. I suppose I'm fortunate at times that my daughter goes to her mom with stuff like this...I don't know what I'd say, but I have a pretty good idea I'd go temporarily deaf.

    I still laugh every time that S & M song comes on the radio. I think of you two every time.

  21. I love her love her love her! And you!

  22. I reached the age of 16 not knowing what the physical difference between boys and girls was. Once I did I undertook extensive investigations to explore the length and depth of those differences. A map of the territory would have been helpful.

  23. She is a very funny kid. Proof, in my opinion, that she is bright. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


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