Thursday, August 12, 2010

Will Be Seeking Other Protection

My fat and I have not become friends.  Even after all this time, I cannot warm to it.  In fact, I recently suggested to this spare 4x4 tire around my middle that I'd like to test that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder theory.

The stubborn fat did not take the hint.

I spend time wavering between the knowledge that I've come by this chunkification honestly and cursing it as I try and try and try again to delete it from my life.

First - the reasons for it, as repeated to myself:  Listen, it's been a rough couple of years.  Job loss, moving, rape, an affair, a near-miss divorce, long commutes, the oldest child leaving the nest, financial difficulties, a bankruptcy, loss of a house and car to the repo men.  So you stress ate your way through it?  Big deal. 

It's all excuses, I respond to myself.  You are fat because you eat too much and don't move enough, you big, fat baby.  Seriously, who do you think you're fooling?  I've seen you eat ice cream.  It's not pretty.

So then I try all the formerly effective methods.  A few years ago, these things worked for me.  I have photographic evidence.

Starvation, speed from a certified dealer, exercise, Body for Life, The Belly Fat Cure, sensible eating of vegetables, fruits, lean meats and whole grains, limiting my sugar intake.  Low carb.  Low calorie.  The beer diet.  The wine and cheese diet.  The oh what the hell, it doesn't matter as long as I run five miles a day and lift weights regime.

My weight resembles the flag tied to the middle of a tug-of-war rope.  An inch this way, an inch that.  And my fat ass?  Usually ends up in the mud in the middle.

I despaired, but didn't give up.  I can feel my muscles shaping up in my legs, my upper arms.  My abs, however, are mush.  Even on days when I nearly starve myself of everything but olives and vodka, I feel bloated.  I take off a few pounds and they come back again and what I'm doing physically and what I'm consuming doesn't seem to matter much.

You're getting old.  All those years of living on speed have wrecked your thyroid or your metabolism.  You are doomed to a life as a fatty.  Go buy some caftans, make that your signature look, pop a colorful turban on your head and move on.  There's a new bakery in town, you know.  My internal conversations become more deadly, more resigned and self-shaming.

Then someone sent me an email suggesting that my IUD might be causing some of my weight and depression issues.  My Mirena IUD has hormones in it, you see.  At first I dismissed the idea because this is the second Mirena I've had.  The first one lasted five years and, although I battled my weight then, too, I simply chalked that up to the stress eating from job change, a move to Georgia, more money problems and my indomitable sweet tooth.  What depressions and mood swings I experienced, I assumed they were the result of those life issues, as well.  I'd always bore a sweet tooth.  It was simply more.  Law of diminishing returns or addiction, you know what I'm talking about.  It took more sugar to get that same feeling of satisfaction.  Before the guilt set in, of course.

What didn't occur to me was the fact that all that stress eating, the cravings, mood swings and depression might be exacerbated by hormones in the IUD.

Then I googled Mirena weight gain and found forums and message boards populated with messages from lots of women experiencing the exact same symptoms I've been having.

Today I'm calling my ob-gyn to have this thing yanked.  I realize that after that, I'll have to deal with the fact that if I remain fat and depressed, it's my own damn fault and will finally have to go in for that lobotomy/liposuction treatment at the boutique medical facility/spa.  I'm prepared for the worst.

Mind you, contraception is not something to be taken lightly.  I knew I'd have to discuss this with MathMan.  I told him what I'd found out - how other women had experienced the weight gain, the mood swings and cravings, the bloated feeling, the boob rash and acne.  I told him what I planned to do.  He listened in his typical fashion - supportive with a hint of skepticism.  I'm pretty used to that.

"Oh and hey, the info I've found suggests that after a few weeks without this thing, I'll get my sex drive back."

I love it when he jumps up and clicks his heels like that.


  1. Lisa,

    I just post approx 60 # and my wife is shedding it, as well. I don't know if the "device" is the reason (altho it sounds like it could contribute). But I know too many people who are successful with the diet and exercise regimen I was on (the exercise is not as you describe... a killer). I say "was" because I hit my goal and never was hungry and feel better than I have in decades.

    I'm just sayin'...

  2. Sorry, "I just lost" approx 60#


  3. I'm very glad for you, Ray, but the fact is that I HAVE tried. Repeatedly. Now I'm having to eliminate all the other factors to see if there is a way to make any "diet" work.

  4. Its not really a "diet", but a total change in how I eat. I gave the information from my doctor to another friend (a lady around 60) who actually runs a health club. She had hit the same type of plateau, but when she began this change, the weight peeled off of her just like me.
    I would be glad to email it to you, if you like.

    BTW: I think you are hot. But you know that.

  5. Oh, and my BP is virtually normal after fighting it for years.

  6. Hope yanking the device works.

    Also hope yanking the device doesn't lead to any unintended consequences that could result in an even larger waistline.

  7. Don't forget, there's always voodoo to fall back on.

  8. You slyly duped your husband. And he fell for it just like all of men do. Just because you get your sex drive back doesn't necessarily mean he gets more sex. Even one that is good with math should realize that 1+2 doesn't always = 3.

    But you are probably right about the IUD though. My wife just had her's removed (yeah, I was duped too). So we are waiting to see if things change for her as well. Keep us posted on your weight-loss success!

  9. omg-yes! That thing is evil for many women. Hormones make me crazy and fat. So now I have a copper, which I love. Can you switch?

  10. One word: VASCECTOMY.

    Lisa, this was beautiful--I laughed, I cried. I have the same weight struggles (and no IUD to blame). I find that while BEFORE 40 diet OR exercise was adequate, after 40 I have to do both. It sucks. BAD.

  11. What a fantastic discovery! A friend of mine had hers taken out about a year ago, and now that you mention it she has slimmed down considerably. I know she hasn't been going to the gym because she's a single mom with two under 5, and works full time. Maybe this is the ticket.

    Crossing my fingers for you, Lisa. :)

  12. I could never tolerate any extra hormones. I hope this works for you.

    I am battling to lose 20 myself and it's so horribly slow -- .5 per week. But I have accepted that since I don't seem to have the discipline to do anything other than eat and drink whatever I like the only answer is ridiculous amounts of exercise forever.

  13. I also got to the point of having serious enough complications with IUD's that numb made an appointment with Dr. Rudy. That worked out very well for both of us and exercise is exercise however you choose to burn the calories.

  14. Check the thyroid. I lost 22 lbs. in two months at the beginning of the year after starting the meds. I've had no trouble keeping it off and I eat like I used to in my 20's.

    I still need to exercise though; kinda soggy, and pretty much said adios to the bust-line. :[ Oh well. It's great to have the energy levels back, and my mood is better.

    It's so frustrating when you try so hard. Just remember you're a sexy momma the way you are!

  15. I totally heard that about Mirena - especially the sex drive part.

  16. Wait, your sex drive is lower than normal? Does your husband understand what this might mean? Good Lord, woman.

    My wife is battling the early middle-age weight thing, a combination of genes, birthing two children, lower exercise and the regular American high-starch diet. I wish you well always with the caveat that beautiful women of a certain age are beautiful, period.

  17. The beer diet.

    this is what i am on and it works for me!

    I think you're beautiful and great no matter what you weigh.

    Just my 2 cents

  18. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. I did call today to schedule an appointment. I have to wait up to a week for them to get back to me regarding the insurance coverage to get this thing removed. I'm considering a flashlight, a mirror and some needle-nose pliers.

  19. Hormones: can't live with them and you can't live without them :(

    Seriously, I went to the web site to see how this puppy is supposed to work and it uses a type of progesterone. Ugh, I always feel worse when I'm taking those. I crave chocolate and starchy foods, get bloated, gain weight, and feel tired. Doing that 24/7 can be no good I'm thinking. Surely there is some other way to get BC.

  20. Ha ha! Lisa, you never fail to make me laugh. GOOD LUCK with the post-IUD weight loss--I hope it works well! :)

  21. Why do they even suggest women use that IUD? Oh wait, big pharm probably makes a small fortune, right? I hope you tell your doctor what you've read and he or she reconsiders suggesting it to patients. Wishing you luck.

  22. Hi Lisa,
    Boy, can I relate to this post. I guess I'm not the only one with a yo-yo weight and internal conversation about it that exhausts me.

    Just tonight I was busy trying to decide what to try next. I wish it was my thyroid or something easily fixed with a pill..
    Hang in there. I'm out here hanging too!

  23. This sounds totally reasonable. I can't handle extra hormones. They make me cry-y, they make me fat and puffy, they make me crazy. Every time I've tried, it's been a scene. If we have another kid, Nick is then getting snipped. Not sure he knows this, and of course I won't put it that way...but it just seems the most reasonable way to go. Um, according to ME.

  24. Who knew an IUD had hormones? I thought it was just a foreign object sitting in the uterus intended to prevent conception. And, by the way, if you were REALLY old, Lisa, you wouldn't NEED contraception!

    Anyway, what you said about the insurance is so funny, like you have to wait for them to tell you if you can get it out. As opposed to, what? Living with it rusting inside of you forever? Very bizarre stuff.

  25. I had a Mirena when they were new and they were only leaving them in for three years. Mr. Bee and I made an agreement that I would do that for three years if he would seriously consider a vasectomy. He got a resonably priced vasectomy through planned parenthood. Oh yeah, I went past that third year while he was on the waiting list. Basically, I was having thyroid issues around the same time as I got the IUD, so it was hard to separate it all, but I didn't lose weight with the IUD removal alone. However, I found a doctor who suggested upping my thyroid dose a bit after acknowledging that though I was in the normal range (uh), she's like to see me higher up in that range. Since then, I lost some weight. I've kind of plateaued and have been pulling out the exercise maneuver, but gently. I really have to watch myself for eating disorder mentality, so subtle positive changes are the only ones that seem to work for me.

    Love you, Sexy Lady.


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